Comfort

I recently read a magazine article while I was at the doctors office and the article was about parents who were concerned about their fifteen year old still having a stuffed animal that they slept with.  I thought it was funny because I had never even considered that people might think that is an issue.  The doctor/development specialist who wrote the article said that it wasn't a problem and that some kids like "comfort objects."

It's no secret that I am one of those people who loves "comfort objects".  Honestly, I love "comfort" everything.  I'm always eating cheese and crackers because it's my "comfort food".  I slept with the same baby blanket since I was tiny until I was 12 and my mother kindly replaced it with another comfort blanket that wasn't so tattered and torn.  I have comfort stuffed animals.  I even have comfort music (yeah I'm a little ashamed to admit this, but I've started listening to classic Backstreet Boys songs again, just because it makes me feel like I'm seven again.  Sigh.  I'm hopeless.)  Some of my favorite comfort music are old classics that I remember listening to all the time before I got my own "sophisticated" taste in music, like Elton John, Billy Joel, and the Beach Boys.  Some of my comfort music are sentimental songs all around the theme of not growing up; Taylor Swifts "Never Grow Up", Miranda Lamberts "The House That Built Me", and Carrie Underwoods "Don't Forget To Remember Me".  I also enjoy listening to classic Disney songs.  I've even got comfort Christmas music.  Lorrie Morgan's Christmas CD has been my favorite Christmas CD since I can remember and I of course have it on my iPod to listen to during this holiday season.  I've also got Clint Blacks CD which has always been my second favorite Christmas CD.  I've also got comfort TV shows and Movies.  Can you say Pride and Prejudice?  How about House?  Scrubs?  The Lion King?

Yeah, I'm a girl who goes for everything comforting and comfortable!

September 11, 2001

Cliche question of the day . . .  "Where were you when the towers hit?"  Cliche statement of the day "I remember exactly where I was on September 11.  I was . . . " But you can't help but ask and tell your story on this ten year anniversary.  So here's my story. (My memory is very fragmented, so I'll just share the parts I remember.)

I was ten years old. It was a Tuesday.  I remember going to school and I walked into my fifth grade classroom and the TV was on and everyone was watching it, which was weird because my teacher Ms. Goble never had the TV on.  I just remember seeing the plumes of smoke and the fire. I don't think we watched it for very long though. I remember watching the replays over and over again after school and everyone seemed so shocked.  I didn't really understand it.  I remember watching the towers go down and hearing everyone screaming as the towers fell. I remember watching people running and covered with dust and coughing and freaking out.  I remember being surprised when my mom told me that nobody expected the towers to actually fall.  I remember thinking that lots of people must have gotten hurt, but it never occurred to me that people had died. I don't think I really had any sort of idea what death really was at the time. No one I had known had ever died before. I truly thought that it was just a matter of finding all the people in the rubble and then getting them to the hospital and the doctors would make them all better.  I really didn't think anyone would die, I just thought they'd be spending a long time in the hospital.  It made sense to me why having family and friends hurt and in the hospital would make people really sad, because I knew from experience that being sick and in the hospital was not fun. I didn't really realize just how mind blowing and scary and crazy the attacks really were.  It wasn't until my parents explained to me that they had all died that it even occurred to me that they would have died.  I still don't think I fully understood it.  But I do remember going to Choral Collections - my song/dance class - and one of the girls in my class said it was her birthday.  I remember thinking "Today has to be the saddest day to have a birthday.  Every one from now on is going to think of this all of this sadness and pain every year on her birthday."

I remember how sad everyone was after and how everyone was holding up pictures and looking for their family and friends.  I thought that they'd all eventually find the people they were looking for.  I remember everyone flocking to Ground Zero.  I remember everyone talking about how life would never be the same.  I remember everyone being really scared. I remember feeling really bad for President Bush because I thought that it would be really hard to be the president during something like that.  I remember how Patriotic everyone was after.  Flags flying everywhere. I remember everyone talking about how everyone was extra nice to each other.  I always thought (almost) everyone was nice so I didn't really notice a huge difference.  I remember everyone being so together.  I remember thinking how great it was that we were so united as a country and that it would never change.  I remember thinking that we would find Osama Bin Laden.  I remember General Conference being disrupted by President Bush telling us we were going to war with Iraq.  I remember it was on my mom's birthday.  I remember feeling glad that we were going to get the bad guys.  I remember President Hinckley announcing it in General Conference.

Ten years later, I understand the attacks and the affect they had on the victims and their families and on the nation better then I did when they actually happened. A few years ago I met a woman who was actually in Washington D.C. on September 11. Last year I watched a documentary on September 11 and it went through everything.  It's heartbreaking to hear about those last phone calls.  Those last moments.  When I see the footage now, I actually understand what was happening.  I think I probably mourned the loss more last year than I did when it actually happened, because I get it now.  And I think that's why my generation was so happy when we got Osama bin Laden. I don't think we should have been celebrating death but he has been the real life "evil villain" since we were little.  September 11 had a big impact on us then, but I think we understand it better now.  Osama bin Laden has been the evil villain about as long as Lord Voldemort.  In a way, they are one and the same.

I went to New York and the only pictures I haven't posted on this blog yet, are the pictures of the World Trade Center. Actually seeing the area and the reconstruction was a big deal for me.  We also visited the Memorial and the Museum (gift shop). Here are the pictures I took.

Articles:
 ksl.com - The day that `changed everything'.
  Internet Archive
 If you want something with a little lighter spirt go here.
 If you want to hear what an apostle has to say on this momentous day you can go here.

Music that makes me think of September 11.
"Superman" - Five for fighting
"Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue" - Toby Keith
"I'm Already There" - Lonestar

I Told Myself I Wouldn't Blog Or Facebook About This Like Everyone Else

But here I am.  Blogging about Harry Potter. Yes it's nerdy and dumb but I'm going to anyway. 

I saw the final Harry Potter movie yesterday.  I loved it.  I think they did an excellent job with it.  But I'm also really sad that it's over.  I feel like it's one more way that I'm leaving my childhood behind.  I first started reading the books when I was about eight.  Harry Potter has been a part of my life since then. (Get ready for a super long, run-on sentance...and go!)  I've stayed up late to read the books, read the books in a day, read and reread the books over and over again, stayed up and watched all the movies, I've played the music in band, I dressed up as Hermione, I've played Harry Potter Uno, Legos, computer/internet games, I had a stuffed Hedwig, I had my own "wand", and I waited when I was little for my letter from Hogwarts to come.  I've grown up with Harry Potter for twelve years of my life. It's sad that it's ending.  

These books and movies are part of what have defined my generation.  We were the kids to stay up late waiting for the books, reading as fast as we could to find out what would happen to these beloved characters, our friends.  We stayed up late to see the movies, hoping that they would stay true to the books.  We were the ones to grow up with Harry, Ron, and Hermione.  The first movie came out just before I turned eleven, so I felt like I was joining Hogwarts with them. 

I guess we'll have to see what life "post-Harry-Potter" has to hold.

I Am a Child of God

So cute!  A little cheesy, but still so cute!  Made me smile!

Negativity

This post was hard for me to type and I'm not sure if I'm going to publish it.  If I do be kind.  And I'm sorry it's really long and rambling.  But I had to get it out somehow.

I had an epiphany last night as I lied awake in bed trying to fall asleep but mind was going a million miles an hour.    I realized that I am an extremely negative person.

Really.

My brother had pointed this out to me a week or so ago when he told me I was cynical.  I brushed it off at the time.  But I thought about it and I really am.  When anything hard or unpleasant happens in my life I tend to face it in a negative way.

When I was little and in the hospital and getting poked and prodded I wasn't one of those happy, optimistic little sick kids you hear about who smile and get through it with no problem and no tears.  No.  I kicked.  I screamed.  I cried. I fought with all the energy I could muster.  It was like a life or death, fight or flight situation. I tried to manipulate (but that never really worked very well). I even considered bolting for the door, but that never seemed very likely to work.

 When we moved down to the Sunny South I was not happy about it and I made sure everyone knew, for a whole year.  I refused to see anything good in the situation, hoping that maybe if I did a good enough job making everyone aware of how much I hated the situation I was in they might change it back to how I wanted it.  That didn't work.  I just made myself miserable for a few years.

I give up on things that are hard for me.  You know things that I suck at like: Handwriting, Sports - of all kinds (seriously, soccer, baseball, basketball, tennis, and any other sport I've ever tried), and social things, you know, like dating.  I'm not the patient diligent type who works on my weaknesses until they turn into strengths.  I just say "Forget this" and go on to something that I enjoy more and can actually do well at.

I'm motivated by my fear of failure.  Really that's why I do almost everything.  I try really hard in school because if I don't I'll fail at school and I'll have to work at McDonald's and live in a box for the rest of my life, which would then make me a failure at life.  I can't handle failure.  If I fail then I'm even more worthless and hopeless and helpless then I was before.

Fear of pain is another huge motivator in my life.  It's why I'm so cautious and never take any risks if I can help it.  Even silly risks like riding on a roller coaster, because there's always this fear in the back of my mind that something will go wrong and I will end up hurt.  Not dead.  Hurt.  My fear of pain doesn't just extend to physical pain, I fear social and emotional pain as well.  That's why I'm so shy, especially with people I don't know very well.  Fear of pain.

My brother likes to point out that I very judgmental and critical of people.  And I am sometimes. It's something I struggle with.  But what he doesn't realize, what no one realizes, is that I'm much harder on myself then I am on other people.  I love to listen to Taylor Swifts song Mean especially in my car where I can turn it up as loud as it'll go and sing my heart out.  I'm singing this song to myself, because I'm very mean to myself.  I'm my own biggest critic.  I hate myself a lot of the time. I also like to sing Pink's "Perfect" another song that describes my life in so many ways.

It's time for this negativity to change.  I'm trading in pessimism and cynicism for optimism. I'm trading in doubt for hope.  I trading fear for faith.  I'm trading in negativity for positivity.  I'm trading in failure for success.  I'm trading in pain for healing. I'm going to try to make the best of my situation even if I don't like it very much.  I'm going to try to work on my weaknesses and turn them into strengths.  I'm going to try to be less introverted and closed to people and more extroverted and open to others.

It's time for a change.

Because life is beautiful and I have been blessed.  It's time for me to recognize those blessings and to take the time to be grateful for them and enjoy them like I should.  So here's to change.  Here's to taking responsibility for my life, for my "energy" as Oprah said on her final episode.

So Osama Bin Laden Died about a week ago...

I just wanted to let you know, just in case you had fallen off the face of the planet this past week and didn't know.
It's been very interesting to see all that's gone down about this.

So my roommates told me on Sunday night and I didn't believe them initially.  I mean, it's been ten years, it seemed like a kind of random time for them to catch him.  But I went to ksl.com and they confirmed it, so then I turned on the TV to the one station we have in our house and luckily it worked and we were able to watch the story develop.  They showed the people celebrating in Washington D.C. and initially I wished I could hop on a plane and go join them. 

But then I realized. 

This is a human being. 

We probably shouldn't celebrate his death, even if he was extremely evil.  I mean it probably looked similar to people in the Middle East who support terrorism like the few parties that happened after 9/11 in the Middle East.  It just doesn't feel right to celebrate death.

But I do understand why they would want to celebrate his death.  Most of the people there were college students, about my age.  We were really young at 9/11. I was 10 and I was in the fifth grade.  I remember watching it in class. I know that I didn't really I understand what happened back then.    I knew everybody was really sad, I knew lots of people got hurt, but I didn't understand the scope and I didn't understand that those people weren't just hurt, they were killed.  But I do understand now.  Bin Laden was such a scary guy to me for so many years.  I never really understood why they couldn't catch him and I have always felt like it was just a matter of time until he and Al-Queida struck again.  I really was excited to hear that they got them, even though I do realize that the war is going to continue and that there will be new leaders who spring up to lead terrorism.  But for me it seems like we at least have gotten something done from the wars we've been in the past 10 years. 

It's been interesting to me to see how the media seems to just have realized that the little kids during 9/11 have now grown up and are in college.  It seems like a lot of them now want to know what we think and how it affected us.  Before it was always concern for the victims families and friends, the NYC fire department, and NYC and things before which I totally understand because they deserve the attention way more then my generation does.  But it's just interesting to watch the news and see them psychoanalyze us.

I don't know, those are just the thoughts I'm having right now. 

If you want to read what I've been reading about this whole thing and the stuff that has inspired this post you can go here and here.

Growing Up

As I start a new year and a new semester quickly approaches, I have never felt so much like I don't want to grow up.  I really wish I had found Peter Pan when I was younger and escaped to Neverland.  I spent my whole childhood wishing I was grown up, in college with my own car and my own place to live away from my parents, with my own rules doing whatever I wanted to do.  Now I just want to go back to naptimes, toys, and the carefreeness of childhood.  Everyone told me when I was little to appreciate my childhood and I couldn't understand then.  But now I do. 

But I guess instead of living in the past I should be enjoying the present.  All of the "real adults" (and I say that because I don't feel like a real adult yet) talk about how much they miss college and seem envious of all the experiences I'm having now.  I can't understand that right now, but I probably will at some other point in my life. 

When I get really stressed I have a tendancy to resort back to my childhood, blankets, chocolate, comfort food, The Lion King, and other classic movies.

I guess that's the trick to life isn't it, not living in the past or the future but just enjoying the present. 

It's amazing how fast time flies and how slow time goes.

I don't really want school to start up again, but I know it needs to because I've been extremely lazy this week.  It's time for me to do something other than mindlessly watch tv or surf the internet.  Seriously, how many times can a girl check facebook in one day?  I've done pretty good most of Christmas vacation, I've been busy quilting, reading Jane Austen, working, exercising, hanging out with friends and family, and doing everything else I told myself I would do when I actually had free time again.  But as much as I don't want to go back to school and to have to start paying for all my own food again, do homework, search for a job, and go to class, I need the structure back.  It'll be interesting to see how long it takes to get my work ethic back.  Let's just be honest, I've been checked out of school since before Thanksgiving break.  And I am excited to get back up there so I can hang out with all of my awesome roommates and all my friends up there.