Wall of Gratitude

Every year during the month of November for the past three years, my roommates and I have put up a "Wall of Gratitude".  This wall of sticky notes serves as reminder of all the things we have been blessed with and gives us an opportunity to express our gratitude.  It becomes a game to a certain extent.  We usually keep it up throughout Christmas to remind us about all of the wonderful things in life.  Well it's only October and I don't have any roommates this year, but I want to start my "Wall of Gratitude".  I am challenging myself for the next two months to find something everyday to be grateful for and to express that gratitude.  If it's a long story I feel like sharing about my gratitude, I'll share it on here.  If it's a quick thought, I'll share it on Facebook.  I also will take the time to write private and personal notes of gratitude to those in my life to whom I owe a debt of gratitude.  Which is most of the people in my life.

My first "sticky note of gratitude" goes to my Heavenly Father.  Of course I always owe him and feel grateful for the life He has granted me, the world He allows me to live in, and the family and friends He has blessed me with.  But today I am feeling particularly grateful for His guidance in my life for a particular reason.

Today I found out that starting in January 2014, because of some new government regulations, Child Life Interns will have to be either affiliated with a college or paid in order to do their internship that is required to become certified.  Because of this, if I didn't have my internship that I have today, I wouldn't be able to do my internship, because I am unaffiliated with any college and let's face it, they're never gonna pay interns.  I got this internship at the perfect time.

Flash back to two years ago.  As my EFY participants and close friends and family know, I was debating on going on a mission.  I really, really wanted to go on a mission.  I had a mile long list on why it was a good idea for me to go on a mission.  I had wanted to go since I was eleven years old. I had been told by many people I would be a really good missionary, and I believed them. I thought it would be an awesome experience.   But I had never asked my Heavenly Father about it.  This time of year two years ago I started to really ask Heavenly Father about my plan to go on a mission.  I told him how much I wanted to go.  But I got an answer of "No."  I didn't understand it.  I argued with Heavenly Father, telling Him that it was a good thing that I wanted.  I fluctuated back and forth about going on a mission for two months.

Finally I had a really great friend tell me about her experience as an EFY counselor.  I felt really strongly that I should apply to be an EFY counselor. So I did.  And long story short, on some long shot, I became an EFY counselor.  That opportunity was the best two summers of my life.

My decision to not go on a mission has still been a difficult one.  As I watched the age drop and watched many friends and my younger brother going on missions, I wondered if I was missing something, if I had made the right choice.  I watched women my age who had gone on missions as they came back and these women were incredible.  I wondered if I could ever reach their spiritual level.  I wondered if I had missed out on my chance.

Through an incredible EFY miracle, I got an internship out in PA for this fall.  I am exactly where I need to be.  If I had gone with my plan for my life and gone on a mission, an internship would've been so much harder for me to get.  I would have missed this awesome opportunity.  I would have missed the opportunity to work with so many amazing youth and make amazing friends.

I am so glad that Heavenly Father told me "No."  I couldn't understand it two years ago, or even one year ago.  But Heavenly Father had a specific plan for me.  He had something that for me was better than a mission.  I know that Heavenly Father wants me to be a Child Life Specialist.  I don't know why, but I know he does.  I know that He wants me to live in Pennsylvania right now.  I don't know why, I just know he does.  I'm excited to see how other pieces of my life and His plan for me work out.  I know that Heavenly Father has guided me so far, and I know that He will continue to guide me to where I need to be.

If you don't know why you are where you are or why Heavenly Father gave you an answer that you didn't want or what Heavenly Father wants you to do with your life, just know this.  Heavenly Father does have a plan for you.  You may not understand it.  It may be difficult.  It may be different than what you would plan for yourself.  But the peace that comes from living your plan and knowing that you are where Heavenly Father wants you is worth the difficulty.  Heavenly Father loves you and knows you better than you know your self.

Dear Internet

For the first time in the past three weeks I have consistent access to the internet.  Hooray! Because of this lack of internet access I have not kept my blog caught up. Mentally I have written about a million and one blog posts.  So dear little blog, let me catch you up.

I now live in a different state and a different time zone and a different world than the last time I wrote.  The state is Pennsylvania, the time zone Eastern, and the world Beautiful. After this move and my past month in Virginia and my little trips back east over my lifetime, I'm convinced that there is an east coast girl that has been waiting to come out. And here she is!

I will post a few pictures on this post and I will post more later.  Right now I should be working on homework that is due tomorrow. :)

This is me and my street!

Dad and I stopped at Winter Quarters on the way out here.

Winter Quarters Temple

Danville Courthouse

More pictures and posts to come soon!

Graduation 2013

I did it! After four years and two universities I'm a college graduate!!  I'm so glad my parents and grandparents were all able to make it to the ceremony. 

My graduation announcements

Grandma and Grandpa Heiner and I.

Me and all of my grandparents.

Grandma Moore and I.

Me and my parents.

Yay I'm Graduated!

As I close this chapter of my life, I'm feeling so grateful.  I couldn't have graduated without all of the love and support of my family and friends.  I would be nowhere without my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  

"Does this needle make my blood seem thick?" and other concerns

When you go to the hospital as often as I do you learn things about your body that you couldn't learn otherwise. Nurses and doctors often make comments about my body that I'm not exactly sure how to take like:

• "You have really thick tissue." Umm, what exactly does that mean? What tissue are you talking about? Fat tissue? Skin tissue? Vein tissue? Do I need to do something about my thick tissue? Or is that just your excuse for not being able to start an IV? Is that why needles hurt me so badly?

• "You have veins that roll, are a mile deep, and shrink." Umm, I'm sorry my veins suck. I didn't even know that my body was a mile deep ;). What would you like me to do to fix these problems? I've asked my veins to stay still, come to the surface, and stay big; so far they haven't complied. When I design my next body I'll request good veins and thin tissue ;) Once again I can't help but wonder if this is really my fault or if you just suck at your job.

• "Wow your jugular vein doesn't go all the way down to your heart on this side!" Yet again God decided to play a cruel trick on my doctors and nurses and not place veins where they are supposed to be.

• "Your port moves, is slanted, is almost impossible to access, and clots over easily. It's probably because the surgeon placed it in breast tissue not "other" tissue and you have so many platelets in your blood." I'm sorry that I have big boobs and the surgeon chose to place my port near them (and near my heart which I think was the actual goal). And I'm sorry I have a blood disorder that causes my blood to break down quickly and causes me to have a high platelet count. Dang genetics - they ruin everything ;). How would you like me to fix these problems?

• "Your blood is really thick today." Umm, is that a good thing or a bad thing? What effects the thickness of my blood? Is that the thick tissue you were talking about?

• "You have lots of scar tissue." What can I say, you weren't the first person to try to poke me there and you probably won't be the last.

I guess that's the difficult thing about having an imperfect body it makes things difficult for the doctors and nurses to do their job. It's not their fault my body is so difficult. But it's not my fault either. So I can't blame them and they can't blame me.

New Experiences

"A person who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." - Albert Einstein

Life is filled with new experiences. That's what life is all about.  Life is a series of experiences, occurring day after day.

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." -  Eleanor Roosevelt

These past few weeks I've had a series of new experiences happen in my life.  Some of those experiences have been stressful and overwhelming.

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C. S. Lewis

Some of those experiences have been sweet, happy experiences.  I guess it's because good always comes with bad and vice versa.  That's sort of what Lehi said, right?

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney

One of the new experiences is sending Mason off on his mission.  I miss him, but I am seeing the blessings that are coming from having a missionary in the family.

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Another new experience for me lately has been learning to accept help from family when I need it.  

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

I feel like I can officially be pronounced an adult.  I have done Jury duty.  That experience won't have to be repeated for at least two years.

"Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing." - Oscar Wilde

Sometimes new experiences are experiences that you have hoped and prayed for all of your life and have always seemed just out of reach.  Then out of no where you get to have the experience for yourself.

"Nothing ever becomes real till it's experienced." - John Keates

There are experiences that you never thought you'd experience, never wanted to experience, and that you wouldn't ever want to experience again. 

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt 

New experiences are terrifying because you never know what they will be like until you have actually experienced them.

“A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

 Experiences are more valuable then things.  Always.

"Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." - Doctrine and Covenants 122:7

Called To Serve

This weekend I went home for my little brother's LDS mission farewell ("little" doesn't describe him very well anymore, he's taller than I am now, younger would be a more accurate description, but I've been calling him my little brother forever).  It was a great weekend, definitely worth braving the fog and the snow to make it back home for Mason.  I was so glad so many of my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins were able to make the five hour drive down especially with the weather.  It was great to be able to share this awesome occasion with them.  It was great to be able to hang Mason one last time before his mission to Ecuador.  And I was glad I was able to help my parents out a little bit with getting ready for brunch after Mason's talk.

The actual farewell was great.  The opening hymn was "Hark All Ye Nations" which immediately brought me back to EFY.  It was one of the songs that was part of musical program which I got to be apart of for two out of my six weeks.  It was one of my favorite songs in the program, although I really wasn't too familiar with it before that summer.  EFY last summer was all about missionary work, which was perfect for these kids who would soon hear about the new age requirements for missionary work.  Mason's talk was great, even though the night before I had distracted him from working on it by joking about movie quotes that he should put in the talk.  Movie quotes and jokes are how we bond.  It was my last chance to hang out with him.  After Mason finished bearing his testimony in Spanish he, my dad, the young men in our ward, and young men leaders sang "Called To Serve" another song dear to my heart because of EFY.  "Called To Serve" and "I Am A Child Of God" are the new EFY medly.  After Brother Duffin and Bishop Ence spoke and then we sang "God Be With You Till We Meet Again".  That song killed me.  I didn't even make it through the first verse before I started bawling.  My mom and dad saw me crying, so they started crying.  Both my grandmothers cried as well.  But I definitely cried the hardest.  I left as soon as the closing prayer was said, hoping to gain my composure while getting ready for the brunch.  In my hurry I lost my shoe, dumped my purse onto my foot and the accelerator while driving home, and got mud from the car all over my leg.  I was a mess.

We got home and I got through the brunch ok until I knew it was time I needed to go so I could beat the snow storm.  Then even the thought of saying good bye got me teary eyed.  I was sad I had to leave so soon, that I'm not coming back home sooner, that I won't be there to see Mason off to the airport.  I was sad that I had to drive five hours away.  I didn't want to say good bye.  I felt bad that everyone was around when I said bye.  I couldn't stop crying.  My family was great, loving, and supportive, sharing their own experiences of saying good bye to brothers, reminding me why it was good for Mason to be going on a mission and I appreciated their love, advice, and caring.  I wasn't crying because I didn't think Mason should go on a mission.  I was crying because I was going to miss him and I wanted more time with him.  We're finally friends.(It's days like today that make me regret what a brat I was during the first eighteen years of my life, especially towards Mason.)  I don't want him to leave me but I do think he should go.  He's not even really leaving for another couple weeks and I've been missing him since the beginning of January.  It just all came to a head today.  And I couldn't stop crying.  We hugged like three times.  We made my aunts cry.  Mason's friends kind of laughed at my crying.  I told them to shut up.   Mason and I said good bye and I drove away.

And I cried all the way until we (my grandmother and I) reached Cedar City.

And then I cried intermittently until we reached Fillmore.

Grandma just kept handing me tissues.

And then I cried while writing this blog post. (Writing this blog post while listening to "Cat's In The Cradle" by Harry Chapin, "You'll Be In My Heart" by Phil Collins, "Don't Forget To Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood, and "Daniel" by Elton John didn't help with the crying.)

And I'll probably cry all the way through February too.

I keep thinking of the quote from the movie The Other Side Of Heaven where the dad says "I don't know anyone in Tonga well enough to love them, and send them my son, but I guess God does."  That basically sums up how I feel right now, I don't know anyone in Ecuador well enough to love them and send them my brother but I guess God does.

Mason's going to be a great missionary.  He's naturally friendly and social (much more friendly and social than I ever have been.)  He's smart, a hard worker, and he has a great testimony of the gospel.  And I'm sure he'll keep his companions and investigators laughing.  Mason is very caring and loving as well.  I'm happy and excited for him and the people of Ecuador. I'm just sad for me. Because I'm going to miss my friend.

"Republican" vs "Democrat" a.k.a. "Romney" vs "Obama" aka "Us" vs "Them" aka "Good" vs "Evil" aka "Right" vs "Wrong" aka "The Nastiest Divorce I've Ever Seen"

I'm kind of/sort of a huge news junkie.  I'm constantly checking ksl and reading the free newspapers provided by my school.  As a news junkie, I feel like I'm constantly getting flooded with political "stuff". And with the upcoming election I'm getting flooded with even more political "stuff" from "friends" statuses.  I know "stuff" is such a vague term but I feel like vague is a good description of our current politics. It's not specific political arguments about how the city, county, state, or nation should be run.  It's vague finger pointing blame.

Election year 2012 is the nastiest divorce I've ever seen. (Except with most marriages the couple starts out liking each other, I don't think either political party ever liked the other political party.)  You know the ones where when the Mom and the Dad are just arguing because that's all that they do, it's not about whatever the argument was originally about.  They start arguing and they just throw every little grievance over the years and they throw the kitchen sink into the argument and they get so off topic from the original argument.  Those divorces where the couple is fighting years after the divorce is granted.  Those divorces where the parties involved believe that nothing is "their fault" it's all the other person's fault.  Yes the divorce is ugly but if the "other person" would just stop fighting, they would stop fighting, but heaven forbid they should be the one to stop the fighting first.  Those divorces where there is absolutely no possibility of the couple agreeing or compromising about anything.  Those divorces where everyone who knows someone involved in the divorce has to "pick a side".  Those divorces where both sides thinks "I'm right and they are wrong" or "I'm a good person but the other person I'm pretty sure is the devil in a thinly veiled disguise".  And everyone involved in the divorce, but especially children, which is in this case the country, gets hurt.

What makes me even sadder is when politics spills into everyday life and even relationships between friends.  For some reason people seem to think that if they post an angry Facebook post about how whatever political party/politician that they disagree with is the devil himself sent to destroy the country will convince their friends/family/acquaintances that support that devil  politician that the politician they support is actually evil.  Because of their angry and contentious Facebook post everyone is going to vote for the politician/party that they think will save the country.    But what really happens is that they just tick off their friends and start arguments.  And all the while the country becomes more and more polarized and incapable of compromising.  Compromise is exactly what this country needs.

I'm just going to say it.

Democrats aren't evil.
Republicans aren't evil.
Mitt Romney isn't evil.
Barack Obama isn't evil.

Honestly, we need Democrats, Republicans, and Independents.  We need people who think differently and who value different things.  But we also need people who able to work with people they don't agree with and who are able to compromise.  Even if they could just pretend to get along the country would be taking a step in the right direction.  Extremism causes problems.

Please research the candidates, national, state, and local, and vote for whoever you think will be the best for the country.  But don't hate people who vote differently then you.  Honestly, the world isn't going to end because of who is elected.  (The world is going to end because the Mayan calendar ends, duh.)

It's just like Miranda Lambert says in "Only Prettier"

"If you wanna pick a fight, I'm gonna have to say goodnight.

I don't have to be hateful I can just say "bless your heart"

We don't have to like each other but it's sure fun to pretend.

If you just smile and behave you can always get your way

It's a universal plan that'll get you where you can in all societies.

So let's shake hands and reach across those party lines

You got your friends just like I got mine

We might think a little differently but we got a lot in common you will see

We're just like you, only prettier.

I'm just like you, only prettier."

That's all I have to say about that.

My Mantra Every Time I Get On Facebook

The. End.

Rapunzel and I

One of the great things about EFY is that it gave me cause to look at myself in a different light.  I wanted to let my kids know why I'm jaundice, but I wanted a fun and positive way to explain it.  So I thought of something brilliant.  I would tell my kids that my skin glows like Rapunzel's hair in Tangled.  It worked for them, for my fellow counselors, and even for me.  The past four weeks when I've told people they've been like "It's so true, you glow."  It's so much better to be told that you glow rather than looking at yourself like an ugly neon light.  And as we discussed the theme Arise and Shine and how these kids can get the glow of the Spirit by living the gospel I realized that "glowing" is a good thing.  I'm glad to "glow".

Arise and Shine

Wow!!  I have learned and grown so much the past few weeks doing EFY. I have made many new friends and I've learned lots of parenting skills.  I have also learned to trust in the Lord and He has given me strength beyond my own to do the things that I need to do for my children at EFY. It's so awesome to see the change that happens in just a week with these kids as they learn to apply the gosple to their lives.  This whole experience has really strengthened my testimony too.  My girls strength amazes me, they all have so many hard things going on in their lives.

Not too mention that I feel so much more hip now.  I'm all up on what's cool with 14 - 15 and the 16 - 18 crowd.  I've learned a lot about the Bieb's and One Direction, COWs (crush of the week), and that apparently the music I grew up with in elementary school is cool again, especially Backstreet Boys and N'Sync!  It's pretty much awesome!!

These past few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life.  I've gone to bed every night absolutely exhausted and woken up still exhausted.  But it's the best feeling ever.  I've felt tired for all sorts of reasons but the best tired is tired out from doing the work of the Lord with all your heart, might, mind, and strength.  Because of that these weeks have also been some of the best weeks of my life.  I have seen miracles.  And I can't wait for more EFY weeks.

Basically the moral of the story is that I have the best job ever in the history of best job's ever!!!

'Nuff said.  

Enjoy the pictures.  :)

Cute note from an unknown boy to all the girls at EFY.

The Celestial One's

My Celestial Girls

Amore Girls

My Co-Co Fonzie

My Co-Co Kelsey and I

Me and Fonzie

Josh and Kelsey

Amore!!

What Has Gotten Me Through The Past Few Weeks Since Spring Break

1. My parents.  I'm pretty sure I've been on the phone with them a ton the past few weeks.

2. This quote from my Girls State days:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Nelson Mandela

3. "I Have Confidence" from The Sound of Music. Yeah I've been playing this song over and over.

"I have confidence in confidence alone. 

Besides what you see I have confidence in me."

 

Now I'm just hoping to get through the next two weeks.  Two weeks.  I can do it.  

Quick Post

It's been a long time since I've blogged, and my life's been pretty crazy.  Here's a quick recap of the past month or so.

• EFY prep has been really cool.  I've learned a lot.  I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of being a counselor, especially because I've never really done anything like it before.  It's another one of the many "first's" I've experienced this past year.
• I've got a new job.  I will no longer be calling U of U alumni asking them to donate money to the U.  Instead I will be working with special needs people helping them to get jobs or to work effectively in the job they already have.  I'm excited and nervous for this opportunity as well.  It's going to be another learning experience because I also have never done anything like this before.
• I've started volunteering with a hospice.  The little lady I help is so adorable and funny.  The hour that I spend with her on Sunday's is probably the highlight of my whole week, every week.
• I got a scholarship!  (woot woot!)  Yay for free money for school.
• I got to visit my family over spring break.  :)
• Community is back on NBC!!  :)
• Other than that my life has just been lots of school, homework, visiting teaching, volunteering at Primary's, vampire's stealing my blood (blood draws), roommate drama, and more homework.

Becoming Peter Pan

I’ve heard it said that people my age are walking around like “a bunch of twenty something year old Peter Pans.”  I never was a huge fan of Peter Pan as a kid.  I wanted to grow up.  Grownups got to do so many cool things.  And my life was going to be perfect, of course.  Like a fairytale.  Why not grow up?  I could eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I wouldn’t have to go to bed.  I would have so much independence and freedom.  I couldn’t wait to grow.

But the older I get the more I feel like I’m becoming Peter Pan, stuck in Never Land.  In some ways it’s my decision.  As I’ve grown up I’ve found that all those adults who told me not to grow up to fast were onto something.  And I’d always just thought they were crazy.  Why wouldn’t I want to grow up?  There was no such thing as growing up too fast.  But now I’m wondering where the past twenty years of my life went.  Now I’m wishing I could go back to the innocence and the simplicity of childhood.  And I do sometimes.  I eat foods I loved growing up.  I watch The Lion King (I still know most of the words).  I sleep with a stuffed animal and my “security blanket”.  I occasionally listen to the Backstreet Boys and my Touched By An Angel CD.  Sometimes I feel much younger than my twenty years.  I wonder when I became old enough or responsible enough to drive, pay rent, go to college, and feed myself.  When did I become old enough to have friends my age who are married and even starting to pop out babies?  I don’t feel old enough, mature enough, or prepared at all for anything like that.  I’d say the older I get the less I feel like I’m ready for those responsibilities.  

I feel like Taylor Swift’s song “Never Grow Up” says everything I would tell myself when I was younger and how I feel right now.

                I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

                So here I am in my new apartment

                In a big city they just dropped me off

                It’s so much colder than I thought it would be

                So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

                Wish I’d never grown up

                Wish I’d never grown up

                Oh I don’t want to grow up

                Wish I’d never grown up

                It could still be little

                I don’t want to grow up

                Wish I’d never grown up

                It could still be simple

Miranda Lambert’s song “The House That Built Me” make me feel the same way.

                I know they say

                You can’t come home again.

                I just had to come back one last time.

                I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

                The brokenness inside me might start healing

                Out here it’s like I’m someone else

                Thought that maybe I could find myself

                If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave

                Won’t take nothing but a memory

                From the house that built me.

                You leave home,

     You move on

    And you do the best you can

                I got lost in this old world,

    Have forgotten who I am

                If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave

                Won’t take nothing but a memory

                From the house that built me

In some ways it is our society that is keeping me and my friends in Never Land.  I almost have a bachelor’s degree but that doesn’t mean a lot anymore.  I’ll have to go on for my Master’s degree.  Which means more school.  I have a job, but I can’t pay for everything on my own.  It’s a frustrating to still be financially dependent on my parents but I know I’m not alone in this.  I’m actually doing better than most kids my age because I’m not in debt at all.  We want to grow up, but there are so many hoops we have to jump through first.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this:

 It's hard to grow up.  

"I Don't Care For Your Fairy tales"

Honestly, 90% of the time, I love fairy tales.  I'm a sucker for any good Disney movie with a princess and prince and a good old fashioned happy ending (I mean, how cute is Tangled?! Seriously!)  And I love Taylor Swift fairy tale songs with happy endings as well (Is it possible to find a better song than "Love Story" or "Enchanted" or "Mine" or "Fearless" or any happy T. Swift song?)  I love Jane Austen novels which don't get much more fairy tale.  And I'm probably the biggest romantic day dreamer that I know.  But sometimes I get to the point where I'm like "Forget this!  It's overrated anyway. Boys are dumb. Guys are gay.  And real men don't exist anymore.( Go here for a refresher on the difference between boys, guys, and men.)  At times like that I listen to Carry Underwood's "The More Boys I Meet" and Sara Bareilles "Fairytale".  And occasionally I'll go for Broadway tunes like "You Can't Get A Man With A Gun" and the ever classic "I Hate Men".

(Yet another post I wrote a really long time ago and never posted.)

There are some moments that stick with you.  There are moments when you wish you had chosen differently.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to go to the temple.  As I crossed the street from the Conference Center over to Temple Square a woman caught my eye.  She looked like your regular old homeless beggar that you might see any given day around Temple Square.  I knew the social routine - look away, pretend you don't see her, keep walking, ignore her, and if she tries to ask you for money politely say no without stopping. And I did.  I walked right on by her without stopping.  She did ask me for money and I shyly said no.

I instantly felt guilty, but I tried to put the instance out of my mind.  I thought to myself  "I'm a poor college student, it's not like I have money to give away anyway."  And then I thought "She'd probably just end up using it on drugs and alcohol anyway."  And I thought "She might have tried to steal your wallet when you brought it out or something."

But I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt.  I asked myself "Really?  You couldn't have spared a few dimes? Nickles? Pennies?  You had loose change in your pocket.  It may not have helped much but it could have helped her some."  And I considered the place I was going.  I was going to the temple to worship my Savior.  Did He turn away help for the poor and the homeless?  I considered what He would've done and compared it to what I had done.  I wondered if it was really my place to judge what she would spend the money on.  And why would I just assume the worst in this woman?  I also wondered at what had made her choose her location to beg.  Did she believe that Latter-Day Saints are Christ like people who would have compassion for the poor?  Had she been proven wrong over and over again that day and seen Latter-Day Saints as only judgmental hypocrites who don't practice what they preach?

This has bothered me for a while now. And I'm really not sure what to do.

That Awkward Moment When You Realize That You're Holding Yourself Back

(This is another post I wrote a few months ago and never posted.)


The other day I was watching this TED talk about this girl who's leg's got amputated. And she was talking about how that was a good experience for her and how she learned to use her limits (not having legs) to propel her and make her into a better person.  I thought it was a nice heartwarming talk and then went to bed without thinking much about it.

And then I woke up the next morning and I had an epiphany.  I had a thought that hit me with so much force and made me want to jump for joy and caused me to hold back tears.  I thought "Why are you holding yourself back?  You say that you don't use your blood disorder as an excuse but let's be honest, you do.  You tell yourself 'I'm a slow runner because of my blood disorder.'  You tell yourself that you can't get fit because of your blood disorder.  You tell yourself that you don't get asked out on dates because of your blood disorder.  You say you're shy and introverted because of your blood disorder.  You tell yourself that you're a control freak and you get anxious because of your blood disorder.  And sometimes it's not even that you're using the blood disorder as an excuse, you just look at the world negatively and it's holding you back.  You tell yourself you can't.  You tell yourself it's too late to change.  It's not to late to change.  You're still young.  Tell yourself that you can.  Stop using excuses.  Think positively.  You're holding yourself back."

All those thoughts raced through my mind in an instant and I knew they were true.
And I knew that I needed to change.
No more excuses.

In the title of this blog post I used the word awkward.  But awkward could easily be replace with the words liberating, terrifying, or "no-duh!".  Because it's a freeing moment.  It's a moment when you know that you're accountable for your agency.  And it's a moment when you know that you knew all of this information all along.  Now the problem is motivating, disciplining, and controlling myself to reach those goals.  It's going to be an uphill battle.  I'm going to fall sometimes.  I'm going to have to learn to forgive myself when I make mistakes.  But I can do this.

Sticks and Stones

(I actually wrote this post a couple of months ago and never posted it.  I think there's been enough time that I can post it now.) 

"Words can break someone into a million pieces." - Taylor Swift

I've never taken criticism very well.  Even if it's constructive criticism and I know that logically, I have always had a tendency to take criticism very personally.  It's a weakness I've been trying to work on.  When I was younger I would never let anyone read anything I had written that meant anything to me, because even if they were just correcting grammar or spelling I felt like they were ripping my work apart and in essence ripping me apart.  I hold the things that I do, the things I believe in, the things I have experienced, the things I dream about, the things that make up who I am very close to my heart.  It takes a lot for me to open up my heart, my mind, my thoughts, and my words.  And when I do finally open that deepest part of me one thoughtless word, one small line on a paper, can cause me to close them off to others forever.

I've had people the past few weeks tell me what they really think of me.  It has all been with the best intentions.  And I know that.  None of them were trying to be mean.  Some were just absent mindedly commenting.  Some were trying to help me improve.  Some think they know me well.  Others know that they don't know me at all.  But they all still felt that it was appropriate to tell me exactly what my problem(s) is(are).  And I took all their words to heart.  Every. Single. Word.    Some I tried to apply and improve on.  Some I wondered at.  Some I ranted at.  These people with their words have no idea how they tore me apart.  They have no idea that I have been torn apart from every angle the past few weeks.  They don't know how many other people have also felt like it was their place to comment on my life.  They don't know how every word makes me want to crawl under a rock, never speak again, never try again.

I wonder why I give off such a terrible first impression?  It's not intentional.

I wonder when it's appropriate to take someone's criticism to heart and to use it to make you become a better person?  And when is it appropriate to scream in their face "Screw you!  You don't know my life!  How dare you?"  When is it ok to tell someone who is a consistently negative force in you life to get out? When is it ok to tell someone who will never think you're good enough to back off and get on with their own life?

"You, with your words like knives 

And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again

Got me feeling like a nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I'm wounded

You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow

But you don't know, what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

....

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down

Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again

...

And I can see you years from now in a bar

Talking over a football game

With that same big loud opinion

But nobody's listening

Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things

Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't do [anything]"

***

"I don't need you to worry about me cause I'm alright

I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life

Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance

I never said I was a victim of circumstance

I still belong, don't get me wrong

You can speak your mind

But not on my time

Keep it to yourself, it's my life."

(I don't own the rights to either song)

Too harsh?  Yeah probably.  I meant every word of it. I'm sick of hearing everybody's opinion of me while I am nice and don't say what I'm really thinking.  Trust me, you don't want to know what I'm really thinking.  And it is my life and I really don't give a damn what anybody else thinks.  Especially people who don't even know me.  I try not to pass judgement on others.  Please give me the same courtesy.  Even if I'm not living my life exactly the way you think I should be.  Even if I'm not perfect.  I'm trying.  And believe it or not, I really do try to make everybody happy.  And I'm shooting for perfection.  So I'd rather not have my flaws pointed out to me.  Because I'm probably my worst critic.  So yes, I actually am aware of my flaws.  I am aware of what is not perfect in my life.  In all aspects of my life.  Nothing that anyone has told me the past week or two has surprised me.  But having it pointed out and elaborated on hasn't helped me at all.  

The Woman With An Issue Of Blood

I've always loved the scripture story about the woman with an issue of blood.  I could always relate.  She had an issue of blood for 12 years.  I've had an issue of blood for 20 years.  And I'm starting to think that I've had every issue of blood possible.  I've had to have blood put in me, blood taken out of me, they can't get me to start bleeding, then they can't get me to stop bleeding.  I've got to few red blood cells and clotting factor, too many white blood cells and platelets, my hemoglobin is too low but my iron is too high.
It's never a good sign when the nurse trying to place your IV keeps saying over and over again "Oh shoot.  Shoot!  Shoot!" Or when the picc team requires three tries to get a good vein to take your blood, and thats with an ultra sound assisting them in the search for the vein.  Or when your nurse leaves and you start bleeding like crazy and the nurse call button doesn't work.  Or the appointment that was supposed to take two hours taking five and drugs you weren't expecting to have to take.  And bruised arms for a week that would probably scare little children are no fun (thank goodness for long sleeve shirts!)  Neither is having no energy - even if you see it coming from a mile away.  Or being told a week later "yeah you probably should've had stitches..."

I'm not gonna lie, I was wondering where my miraculous instantaneous healing like the woman with an issue of blood got was last week.  But if I got the miraculous blessing of healing than I wouldn't get lots of other miraculous blessings.  Like the miracle of perspective.  Or the miracle of compassion.  Or the miracle of understanding. Or the miracle of humility.  Or the miracle of being the one served and allowing others the chance to serve. 

I wonder what the woman with an issue of blood did after she was healed?  Did she just go on her merry way, quickly forgetting the hand of God in her life?  Did she go on to serve others who were suffering, understanding in an intimate way what it means to suffer with no relief for so long?  Did she continue to follow Christ?  Did she bring others to Him to be healed as she had?

I don't know the answer to those questions.  But I know that I'm really grateful for the miracles in my life, especially the miracle of perspective.

Playlist:
"Only the Brokenhearted" - Cherie Call
"If You're Going Through Hell" Rodney Atkins

Reading List:
"Waiting Upon The Lord" Elder Robert D. Hales
"It Is Better To Look Up" - Elder Carl B. Cook

That's All I Have To Say About That

Nobody Said It Was Easy . . . No One Ever Said It Would Be So Hard

I hate making decisions.  I hate the finality of it.  I love keep my options open.  I hate closing the door.  I hate the whole process.  The not knowing.  The wondering "Am I sure this is right? Am I sure I'm not making some huge mistake?"

Of course I'm not sure. Most of the time there is no surety. If I was sure this choice would be super easy.

And I hate it when the choice is between two good things.  Why can't it always be black and white, good and bad, right and wrong, yes and no?  Why does it always have to be between white and a slightly different shade of white?  OK and OK?  Right and right in a different way?  Maybe and Maybe? How are you supposed to choose?

And why is it always feast or famine?  I pray for a long time for something, doesn't show up, doesn't show up, doesn't show up . . . wait and wait and wait . . . then BOOM! I get two (or more) good choices as an answer to said prayer.  I only needed one answer!  Two answers just complicates my life even more! Life's never that simple is it?

I know, I know.  It's a learning, growing experience.  I'll be thankful for it later.  It's life.  It's adulthood. Sometimes everybody has to choose between two good choices.

To Put It Bluntly - Your Liver Isn't Going To Kill You - Your Heart Is Going To Kill You

Part of my parents smooth talking to get me out of the hospital last week was that I had to agree to go to the doctors office to prove to them that - you know - I hadn't died yet.

So I did.

I went to the doctor's office, hoping there wouldn't be another crazy adventure like the week before.  My doctor, Dr. P. came into my room and he looked at me incredulously "What happened?"

I didn't know what to say.  "Well, I came for my regular doctors appointment and they drew my blood and an hour later they were freaking out and wanting to admit me to the hospital."

Dr. P. sat down in the chair next to mine and said in his awesome heavy czech accent "Kelsi I want you to understand something.  I'm not worried about your liver.  Your liver could kill you, but it won't.  To put it bluntly - your liver isn't going to kill you - your heart will."

"Oh.  Ok."

Dr. P. then continued on to explain to me about how he wrote the reference sheet about PKD that all the other doctors read to find out about PKD when someone weird like me comes in.  So all the other doctors don't know what they're talking about.

Basically, my Dr. P. is the Dr. House of hematology. (You know minus the drug addiction, the limp, the getting the diagnosis wrong the first three times of diagnosising and the patient almost dying and the amazing good looks. And he also has more than one patient per week, which is sad for me because it would be awesome if I was my doctors only patient.)

Dr. House is so attractive!

Actually I really do believe him that most other doctors don't know what they're talking about when it comes to someone weird like me.  I'm a rarity.  That's why I get to play fun games like "Stump The Medical Student" or "Stump the Nurse" or "Stump The Nurse Practitioner/Physicians Assistant" or "Stump The Doctor".  I'm confusing.  I make them panic.  I shouldn't be functioning like I function.  I really should be dead.  I actually didn't have to explain to Dr. P. about what my blood disorder is and what my normal treatment is and such.  He already knew it all.  Plus some more. Which is great for me.

Dr. P. continued to tell me about the necessity of getting rid of my iron - so that my heart doesn't kill me.  The good news is that I'm not going to die anytime soon - contrary to what I heard on Thursday.

Just a refresher my liver isn't going to kill me

I have one of the two organs pictured here and that organ isn't going to kill me.

 But my heart will kill me (if we don't do something about it.  So we're doing something about it.)

The organ that might actually kill me.