"Does this needle make my blood seem thick?" and other concerns

When you go to the hospital as often as I do you learn things about your body that you couldn't learn otherwise. Nurses and doctors often make comments about my body that I'm not exactly sure how to take like:

• "You have really thick tissue." Umm, what exactly does that mean? What tissue are you talking about? Fat tissue? Skin tissue? Vein tissue? Do I need to do something about my thick tissue? Or is that just your excuse for not being able to start an IV? Is that why needles hurt me so badly?

• "You have veins that roll, are a mile deep, and shrink." Umm, I'm sorry my veins suck. I didn't even know that my body was a mile deep ;). What would you like me to do to fix these problems? I've asked my veins to stay still, come to the surface, and stay big; so far they haven't complied. When I design my next body I'll request good veins and thin tissue ;) Once again I can't help but wonder if this is really my fault or if you just suck at your job.

• "Wow your jugular vein doesn't go all the way down to your heart on this side!" Yet again God decided to play a cruel trick on my doctors and nurses and not place veins where they are supposed to be.

• "Your port moves, is slanted, is almost impossible to access, and clots over easily. It's probably because the surgeon placed it in breast tissue not "other" tissue and you have so many platelets in your blood." I'm sorry that I have big boobs and the surgeon chose to place my port near them (and near my heart which I think was the actual goal). And I'm sorry I have a blood disorder that causes my blood to break down quickly and causes me to have a high platelet count. Dang genetics - they ruin everything ;). How would you like me to fix these problems?

• "Your blood is really thick today." Umm, is that a good thing or a bad thing? What effects the thickness of my blood? Is that the thick tissue you were talking about?

• "You have lots of scar tissue." What can I say, you weren't the first person to try to poke me there and you probably won't be the last.

I guess that's the difficult thing about having an imperfect body it makes things difficult for the doctors and nurses to do their job. It's not their fault my body is so difficult. But it's not my fault either. So I can't blame them and they can't blame me.