Wall of Gratitude

Every year during the month of November for the past three years, my roommates and I have put up a "Wall of Gratitude".  This wall of sticky notes serves as reminder of all the things we have been blessed with and gives us an opportunity to express our gratitude.  It becomes a game to a certain extent.  We usually keep it up throughout Christmas to remind us about all of the wonderful things in life.  Well it's only October and I don't have any roommates this year, but I want to start my "Wall of Gratitude".  I am challenging myself for the next two months to find something everyday to be grateful for and to express that gratitude.  If it's a long story I feel like sharing about my gratitude, I'll share it on here.  If it's a quick thought, I'll share it on Facebook.  I also will take the time to write private and personal notes of gratitude to those in my life to whom I owe a debt of gratitude.  Which is most of the people in my life.

My first "sticky note of gratitude" goes to my Heavenly Father.  Of course I always owe him and feel grateful for the life He has granted me, the world He allows me to live in, and the family and friends He has blessed me with.  But today I am feeling particularly grateful for His guidance in my life for a particular reason.

Today I found out that starting in January 2014, because of some new government regulations, Child Life Interns will have to be either affiliated with a college or paid in order to do their internship that is required to become certified.  Because of this, if I didn't have my internship that I have today, I wouldn't be able to do my internship, because I am unaffiliated with any college and let's face it, they're never gonna pay interns.  I got this internship at the perfect time.

Flash back to two years ago.  As my EFY participants and close friends and family know, I was debating on going on a mission.  I really, really wanted to go on a mission.  I had a mile long list on why it was a good idea for me to go on a mission.  I had wanted to go since I was eleven years old. I had been told by many people I would be a really good missionary, and I believed them. I thought it would be an awesome experience.   But I had never asked my Heavenly Father about it.  This time of year two years ago I started to really ask Heavenly Father about my plan to go on a mission.  I told him how much I wanted to go.  But I got an answer of "No."  I didn't understand it.  I argued with Heavenly Father, telling Him that it was a good thing that I wanted.  I fluctuated back and forth about going on a mission for two months.

Finally I had a really great friend tell me about her experience as an EFY counselor.  I felt really strongly that I should apply to be an EFY counselor. So I did.  And long story short, on some long shot, I became an EFY counselor.  That opportunity was the best two summers of my life.

My decision to not go on a mission has still been a difficult one.  As I watched the age drop and watched many friends and my younger brother going on missions, I wondered if I was missing something, if I had made the right choice.  I watched women my age who had gone on missions as they came back and these women were incredible.  I wondered if I could ever reach their spiritual level.  I wondered if I had missed out on my chance.

Through an incredible EFY miracle, I got an internship out in PA for this fall.  I am exactly where I need to be.  If I had gone with my plan for my life and gone on a mission, an internship would've been so much harder for me to get.  I would have missed this awesome opportunity.  I would have missed the opportunity to work with so many amazing youth and make amazing friends.

I am so glad that Heavenly Father told me "No."  I couldn't understand it two years ago, or even one year ago.  But Heavenly Father had a specific plan for me.  He had something that for me was better than a mission.  I know that Heavenly Father wants me to be a Child Life Specialist.  I don't know why, but I know he does.  I know that He wants me to live in Pennsylvania right now.  I don't know why, I just know he does.  I'm excited to see how other pieces of my life and His plan for me work out.  I know that Heavenly Father has guided me so far, and I know that He will continue to guide me to where I need to be.

If you don't know why you are where you are or why Heavenly Father gave you an answer that you didn't want or what Heavenly Father wants you to do with your life, just know this.  Heavenly Father does have a plan for you.  You may not understand it.  It may be difficult.  It may be different than what you would plan for yourself.  But the peace that comes from living your plan and knowing that you are where Heavenly Father wants you is worth the difficulty.  Heavenly Father loves you and knows you better than you know your self.

Dear Friend,

Once upon a time, months and months ago you asked me a question that I haven't been able to get out of my head.  It wasn't an exceptionally original question, but your sincerity pierced me to the core.  I could tell that this question really troubled you and for a good reason.  I wondered why I had never been bothered by your question in the same way you had.  In fact I had heard the question theoretically thousands of times in Primary, Sunday School, Young Women's, Seminary, Relief Society, Institute and General Conference.  I'd practiced out scenarios of how to answer such a question just as many times.  In theory the answer is simple.  But yet when you asked me that question, the answer tripped on my tongue.  I knew the answer, I just didn't know how to explain the answer. I didn't know how to explain how I knew the answer.  You know?  And when I gave my best heartfelt simple answer, you didn't seem to believe me.  Sometimes I say things better in writing. I want to answer you now. I will use the words of men that I believe to be prophets who talk to God to receive answers to questions like yours, I will also use books that I believe to be scriptures.  But most importantly I will share some of my own experiences and my own feelings and conclusions that give me peace as I contemplate your question.

I believe in a loving Heavenly Father because I have experienced his love, even when my life hasn't been fair. My life has not been fair.  I never claimed it has been.  I didn't do anything to deserve the blood disorder I was born with, to look yellow and be hospitalized from my birth.  It was unfair.  But I am a better person for the unfair experiences I have gone through.  I can say that with all of my heart and soul.  I am convinced of that fact.  I wish I could grab you and look you straight in the eyes so you could see that I really do believe this and that I would not trade my unfair experiences for anything in the entire world.  I would not trade my worst day for one day of perfect health, perfect beauty or perfect anything.  I mean it when I say that I would not be who I am today without the unfair experiences I have gone through.  End of story.  And I love and am so grateful to my Heavenly Father, my God, for trusting me to be able to get through those awful and hard days.  He knew that I could handle it, that I could do hard things, when I didn't know that I could.  He knew that this hard road would lead me to be exactly where I need to be and exactly who I need to be today.

I know that it is so hard when unfair things happen to you.  I know that it is even harder when you witness them happening to innocent people that you know and innocent people you don't even know. Elder Cook said "Events often occur that rob us of peace and heighten our sense of vulnerability". I have experienced that first hand as well.  I know that it breaks your heart.  I know that in that moment it does not make any sense at all.  And it is so easy to get mad.  But I don't believe in a vindictive God or a God who enjoys seeing his creations, his children, suffer.  I believe in a God who loves to see His children become more like Him.  I believe in a God who loves his children.  I do not know why all the bad and unfair things in the world happen.  I can't answer that question.  But I know that God loves his children.  And that is enough for me.  I know that when my heart has been absolutely broken, He understands because His heart has been broken too.  When He sees unfair things happen to me and to you and to everyone you and I love He gets it because unfair things have happened to Him and the people who He loves.  God allowed His Son, His Perfect Son Jesus Christ, to die for me and you, imperfect me and you.  What could be more unfair?  He watched as His Son was rejected and scorned, and He suffered for me and you.  What could that be but love?

How do I know these things?  This knowledge has not come easily to me.  I struggled for years and years feeling so alone and feeling like life really wasn't fair.  I asked God to be able to feel His love.  I asked God if He was there and if He cared.  And He answered me, slowly, almost imperceptibly.  But I have felt God's love.  To me His influence sometimes feels like a warm feeling in my heart, sometimes it just feels like calmness.  As I study about God and His Son Jesus Christ, I have prayed to know if it is true and I have felt the reassurance in my heart that it is true.  What are you feeling right now?  If it feels good, if it feels true, I can tell you that you are feeling the Holy Ghost, telling you that what I am telling you is true.  It doesn't have to be completely overwhelming, just the smallest assurance, the smallest hope, hold on to it.  Build on that assurance and hope, that feeling.  Look for it.  It's there.  Because God loves you too.  Just like I know God loves me, I know that He loves you.  And because His heart has been broken and He has experienced unfairness, He understands like no one else what you are feeling.  Turn to Him.  Turn to Christ.  Let them heal your heart.  It's a slow process.  But it's worth it.

Why does God let bad things happen to good people?

I don't know, but I know that God loves His children (1 Nephi 11:17).

If you want to know more visit mormon.org.

Palmyra, New York

I didn't have to work on Monday so I decided to take a trip up to Palmyra, New York to see the church sites.  What an amazing day trip.  It took me a while to get up there because it was raining and my GPS took me through all sorts of tiny, random towns.  I finally arrived at noon and it was still raining at that point.  I drove past the Hill Cumorah, the Palmyra Temple, and started at the Joseph Smith Farm.  I was greeted by a lovely missionary, Sister Trang.  She showed me around the log cabin where the Smith Family originally lived and where the Angel Moroni visited Joseph Smith and told him where to go at the Hill Cumorah to find the gold plates.  It was really cool to be in the room where it happened.  Then we walked down to the frame house and we realized that we were EFY counselors together at SLC week 2 last year.  Crazy small world.  She then showed me the frame house and we continued to discuss EFY.  Then she allowed me to walk into the Sacred Grove by myself.  Since I had my phone with me, I decided to play the Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD dedicated to the prophet Joseph Smith softly.  I started off with Joseph Smith's First Prayer, the On A Golden Springtime, and then This Is My Beloved Son.  As I walked it was still raining a little, but not down pouring.  It was a peaceful rain and the rain drops looked absolutely beautiful on the leaves and trees.  I could feel the Spirit so strongly as I wandered.  I could imagine Joseph Smith praying and pictures Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ appearing.  I stopped to pray for a moment.  Then I began to make my way back out, listening to Joseph, A Nashville Tribute songs The Prayer and The Rising.  I stopped halfway through to the end and decided to read Joseph Smith History.  It was so beautiful.  I realized as I read about the visit from the Angel Moroni, that it had occurred 190 years ago, to the week, almost to the day, I was there.  It was a tender mercy.  Seeing these sites was an amazing experience, especially as I had had an opportunity to study Joseph Smith and the process to bring forth the Book of Mormon all summer at EFY.

I then decided to stop by the Palmyra Temple and the Grandin Bookstore. The Palmyra Temple is small but beautiful with stain glass windows of the sacred grove and a view of the sacred grove.  I also was able to attend the temple dedication of this temple so it was really cool to see it in person. On the way to the bookstore I saw the four churches on the corner that caused Joseph so much confusion.  The bookstore was really cool as well.  It was cool to see how much work went into the printing of the Book of Mormon.  The Sister Missionary who took me on the tour there happened to have dated the son of one of my favorite Child Life Professors at Utah.  Again it was a super small world.  After I went to the Hill Cumorah which was also a really cool experience.

Guys, the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is so so true.  It's amazing.  And I love it.

Gettysburg

On Saturday I didn't have to work, so I though I would go explore Gettysburg.  I had never been before so I was really excited to go.  The drive there was absolutely beautiful, following the river with beautiful forest covered mountains to the side of the road.  Loved it.  I decided that it was worth the $12.50 to see a movie, a cyclorama (painting around a room), and the museum and it was definitely worth it.  Before going to see anything I decided to read D&C 87 the prophecy about the Civil War.  It was amazing because Morgan Freeman (the narrator or the movie) was practically reading that prophecy word for word for the movie.  The painting was absolutely beautiful and so life like.  I was in the museum for a few hours, watching many of the movies and taking my time reading and observing the different artifacts.  I wanted to take my time and really soak in all of the information and feelings associated with this great war.  

After lunch I decided to walk out to the actual battle sites.  Again I took my time, really trying to soak up the moment.  I walked by monument after monument after monument.  It was amazing to see how this place that's kind of in the middle of nowhere and not much to look at, is such sacred life because of how many people lost their lives.  The museum had often talked about how Gettysburg was the turn of the Civil War and how the Confederates should have won the battle, they had way more men than the Union.  But because the Union held the high ground they were able to win.  The Union held the literal high ground over those three days, but also the figurative high ground through out the war.  And if we as people continue to hold the high ground in the war against Satan, we will win as well.

I then wandered over to the cemetery, where Lincoln gave his famous Gettysburg address.  I absolutely love cemeteries and this cemetery did not disappoint.  Again I slowly, quietly, and reverently wandered, observing the many headstones.  Many were not from the actual Civil War.  Many of them that were from the Civil War had Unknown written on them.  It was really cool to see the different monuments to Lincoln as well in the cemetery.  It was a peaceful place, so different from the war that made it famous.  I left that day feeling like I had just gone on a very cool spiritual journey coming to understand the men who fought for my freedom a little bit better.  I love Gettysburg.

Danville, PA

When Dad and I arrived in Danville we took the time to explore my new little town and the fair that happened to be going on that day.  We ate real Amish pie and the best strawberry jam ever.  Danville is a cute little old town and I live right next to the river.  It's a beautiful place.

The Drive To Danville

I didn't take many pictures during our three day drive to Danville.   I think I took all of the pictures on the same day.  But this shows our trip to Winter Quarters.  It was really cool.    It is really cool because the Winter Quarters Temple is right next to the cemetery. To me it was a great reminder both of why we do temple work and of the people who made the ultimate sacrifice so that we could do temple work today.  It was really cool to see the visitors center, cemetery, and temple.  The Winters Quarter Temple is special to me because it was one of the first temple dedications I was able to attend via broadcast when I was about 8 or 9 years old. 

Dear Internet

For the first time in the past three weeks I have consistent access to the internet.  Hooray! Because of this lack of internet access I have not kept my blog caught up. Mentally I have written about a million and one blog posts.  So dear little blog, let me catch you up.

I now live in a different state and a different time zone and a different world than the last time I wrote.  The state is Pennsylvania, the time zone Eastern, and the world Beautiful. After this move and my past month in Virginia and my little trips back east over my lifetime, I'm convinced that there is an east coast girl that has been waiting to come out. And here she is!

I will post a few pictures on this post and I will post more later.  Right now I should be working on homework that is due tomorrow. :)

This is me and my street!

Dad and I stopped at Winter Quarters on the way out here.

Winter Quarters Temple

Danville Courthouse

More pictures and posts to come soon!