Wall of Gratitude

Every year during the month of November for the past three years, my roommates and I have put up a "Wall of Gratitude".  This wall of sticky notes serves as reminder of all the things we have been blessed with and gives us an opportunity to express our gratitude.  It becomes a game to a certain extent.  We usually keep it up throughout Christmas to remind us about all of the wonderful things in life.  Well it's only October and I don't have any roommates this year, but I want to start my "Wall of Gratitude".  I am challenging myself for the next two months to find something everyday to be grateful for and to express that gratitude.  If it's a long story I feel like sharing about my gratitude, I'll share it on here.  If it's a quick thought, I'll share it on Facebook.  I also will take the time to write private and personal notes of gratitude to those in my life to whom I owe a debt of gratitude.  Which is most of the people in my life.

My first "sticky note of gratitude" goes to my Heavenly Father.  Of course I always owe him and feel grateful for the life He has granted me, the world He allows me to live in, and the family and friends He has blessed me with.  But today I am feeling particularly grateful for His guidance in my life for a particular reason.

Today I found out that starting in January 2014, because of some new government regulations, Child Life Interns will have to be either affiliated with a college or paid in order to do their internship that is required to become certified.  Because of this, if I didn't have my internship that I have today, I wouldn't be able to do my internship, because I am unaffiliated with any college and let's face it, they're never gonna pay interns.  I got this internship at the perfect time.

Flash back to two years ago.  As my EFY participants and close friends and family know, I was debating on going on a mission.  I really, really wanted to go on a mission.  I had a mile long list on why it was a good idea for me to go on a mission.  I had wanted to go since I was eleven years old. I had been told by many people I would be a really good missionary, and I believed them. I thought it would be an awesome experience.   But I had never asked my Heavenly Father about it.  This time of year two years ago I started to really ask Heavenly Father about my plan to go on a mission.  I told him how much I wanted to go.  But I got an answer of "No."  I didn't understand it.  I argued with Heavenly Father, telling Him that it was a good thing that I wanted.  I fluctuated back and forth about going on a mission for two months.

Finally I had a really great friend tell me about her experience as an EFY counselor.  I felt really strongly that I should apply to be an EFY counselor. So I did.  And long story short, on some long shot, I became an EFY counselor.  That opportunity was the best two summers of my life.

My decision to not go on a mission has still been a difficult one.  As I watched the age drop and watched many friends and my younger brother going on missions, I wondered if I was missing something, if I had made the right choice.  I watched women my age who had gone on missions as they came back and these women were incredible.  I wondered if I could ever reach their spiritual level.  I wondered if I had missed out on my chance.

Through an incredible EFY miracle, I got an internship out in PA for this fall.  I am exactly where I need to be.  If I had gone with my plan for my life and gone on a mission, an internship would've been so much harder for me to get.  I would have missed this awesome opportunity.  I would have missed the opportunity to work with so many amazing youth and make amazing friends.

I am so glad that Heavenly Father told me "No."  I couldn't understand it two years ago, or even one year ago.  But Heavenly Father had a specific plan for me.  He had something that for me was better than a mission.  I know that Heavenly Father wants me to be a Child Life Specialist.  I don't know why, but I know he does.  I know that He wants me to live in Pennsylvania right now.  I don't know why, I just know he does.  I'm excited to see how other pieces of my life and His plan for me work out.  I know that Heavenly Father has guided me so far, and I know that He will continue to guide me to where I need to be.

If you don't know why you are where you are or why Heavenly Father gave you an answer that you didn't want or what Heavenly Father wants you to do with your life, just know this.  Heavenly Father does have a plan for you.  You may not understand it.  It may be difficult.  It may be different than what you would plan for yourself.  But the peace that comes from living your plan and knowing that you are where Heavenly Father wants you is worth the difficulty.  Heavenly Father loves you and knows you better than you know your self.

Gettysburg

On Saturday I didn't have to work, so I though I would go explore Gettysburg.  I had never been before so I was really excited to go.  The drive there was absolutely beautiful, following the river with beautiful forest covered mountains to the side of the road.  Loved it.  I decided that it was worth the $12.50 to see a movie, a cyclorama (painting around a room), and the museum and it was definitely worth it.  Before going to see anything I decided to read D&C 87 the prophecy about the Civil War.  It was amazing because Morgan Freeman (the narrator or the movie) was practically reading that prophecy word for word for the movie.  The painting was absolutely beautiful and so life like.  I was in the museum for a few hours, watching many of the movies and taking my time reading and observing the different artifacts.  I wanted to take my time and really soak in all of the information and feelings associated with this great war.  

After lunch I decided to walk out to the actual battle sites.  Again I took my time, really trying to soak up the moment.  I walked by monument after monument after monument.  It was amazing to see how this place that's kind of in the middle of nowhere and not much to look at, is such sacred life because of how many people lost their lives.  The museum had often talked about how Gettysburg was the turn of the Civil War and how the Confederates should have won the battle, they had way more men than the Union.  But because the Union held the high ground they were able to win.  The Union held the literal high ground over those three days, but also the figurative high ground through out the war.  And if we as people continue to hold the high ground in the war against Satan, we will win as well.

I then wandered over to the cemetery, where Lincoln gave his famous Gettysburg address.  I absolutely love cemeteries and this cemetery did not disappoint.  Again I slowly, quietly, and reverently wandered, observing the many headstones.  Many were not from the actual Civil War.  Many of them that were from the Civil War had Unknown written on them.  It was really cool to see the different monuments to Lincoln as well in the cemetery.  It was a peaceful place, so different from the war that made it famous.  I left that day feeling like I had just gone on a very cool spiritual journey coming to understand the men who fought for my freedom a little bit better.  I love Gettysburg.

Graduation 2013

I did it! After four years and two universities I'm a college graduate!!  I'm so glad my parents and grandparents were all able to make it to the ceremony. 

My graduation announcements

Grandma and Grandpa Heiner and I.

Me and all of my grandparents.

Grandma Moore and I.

Me and my parents.

Yay I'm Graduated!

As I close this chapter of my life, I'm feeling so grateful.  I couldn't have graduated without all of the love and support of my family and friends.  I would be nowhere without my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  

"Living In The Moment"

I absolutely love Jason Mraz.  I stumbled across across one of his new songs "Living in the Moment" while listening this playlist on Songza and I immediately pressed the thumbs up button, googled the lyrics to this song, and added the song on Spotify. (Random tangent: It's pretty ridiculous just how many different ways it is to listen to music now.  You'd think between my CD's, car radio, iTunes, Pandora, last.fm, Grooveshark, Youtube, Songza, Spotify,  and my iPhone which has access to most of these music mediums, I'd have enough ways to listen to any song I want whenever I want.  And you'd probably be right.  But should it really take so many different avenues to get music?  I think it's slightly ridiculous, but I've pretty much almost always got at least one of them playing. I may be slightly addicted. I wonder if that's healthy?  But I digress.) Just ask my mother, this song is exactly what I need right now.  This past month have been absolutely insane and I have a feeling the next few months are going to be even crazier.  Now most of the madness has actually been very positive and I am so grateful for the opportunities that have been presented in my life right now.  But as good as they have been, they have also been stressful and I've been feeling really anxious, which I know is not healthy.  I know that I need to "run and hide my crazy and start acting like a lady" and "I wish I could be just a little less dramatic" (Miranda Lambert, "Mama's Broken Heart").  This song helps me to be a little less crazy and dramatic.  Jason Mraz is a genius, there isn't a song of his that I have heard that I haven't loved.  This song is like a grown up version of "Hakuna Mata"  which is perfect because I love that song but I'm not so good at having "no worries for the rest of my days."  But I'm going to try to be better at living in the moment with no worries.

Enjoy!

Video:

Lyrics:

If this life is one act 

Why do we lay all these traps 

We put 'em right in our path 

When we just wanna be free 

I will not waste my days 

Making up all kinds of ways 

To worry about all things 

That will not happen to me 

So I just let go of what I know I don't know 

And I know I'll only do this by 

Living in the moment 

Living my life 

Easy and breezy 

With peace in my mind 

With peace in my heart 

Peace in my soul 

Wherever I'm going, I'm already home 

Living in the moment 

I'm letting myself off the hook for things I've done 

I let my past go past 

And now I'm having more fun 

I'm letting go of the thoughts 

That do not make me strong 

And I believe this way can be the same for everyone 

And if I fall asleep 

I know you'll be the one who'll always remind me 

To live in the moment 

To live my life 

Easy and breezy 

With peace in my mind 

With peace in my heart 

With peace in my soul 

Wherever I'm going, I'm already home 

I can't walk through life facing backwards 

I have tried 

I tried more than once to just make sure 

And I was denied the future I'd been searching for 

But I spun around and searched no more 

By living in the moment 

Living my life 

Easy and breezy 

With peace in my mind 

With peace in my heart 

With peace in my soul 

Wherever I'm going, I'm already home 

I'm living in the moment 

I'm living my life 

Just taking it easy 

With peace in my mind 

I got peace in my heart 

I got peace in my soul 

Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home 

I'm living in the moment 

I'm living my life 

Oh, easy and breezy 

With peace in my mind 

I got peace in my heart 

I got peace in my soul 

Oh, wherever I'm going, I'm already home 

I'm living in the moment

New Experiences

"A person who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." - Albert Einstein

Life is filled with new experiences. That's what life is all about.  Life is a series of experiences, occurring day after day.

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." -  Eleanor Roosevelt

These past few weeks I've had a series of new experiences happen in my life.  Some of those experiences have been stressful and overwhelming.

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C. S. Lewis

Some of those experiences have been sweet, happy experiences.  I guess it's because good always comes with bad and vice versa.  That's sort of what Lehi said, right?

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney

One of the new experiences is sending Mason off on his mission.  I miss him, but I am seeing the blessings that are coming from having a missionary in the family.

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Another new experience for me lately has been learning to accept help from family when I need it.  

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

I feel like I can officially be pronounced an adult.  I have done Jury duty.  That experience won't have to be repeated for at least two years.

"Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing." - Oscar Wilde

Sometimes new experiences are experiences that you have hoped and prayed for all of your life and have always seemed just out of reach.  Then out of no where you get to have the experience for yourself.

"Nothing ever becomes real till it's experienced." - John Keates

There are experiences that you never thought you'd experience, never wanted to experience, and that you wouldn't ever want to experience again. 

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt 

New experiences are terrifying because you never know what they will be like until you have actually experienced them.

“A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

 Experiences are more valuable then things.  Always.

"Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." - Doctrine and Covenants 122:7

Rapunzel and I

One of the great things about EFY is that it gave me cause to look at myself in a different light.  I wanted to let my kids know why I'm jaundice, but I wanted a fun and positive way to explain it.  So I thought of something brilliant.  I would tell my kids that my skin glows like Rapunzel's hair in Tangled.  It worked for them, for my fellow counselors, and even for me.  The past four weeks when I've told people they've been like "It's so true, you glow."  It's so much better to be told that you glow rather than looking at yourself like an ugly neon light.  And as we discussed the theme Arise and Shine and how these kids can get the glow of the Spirit by living the gospel I realized that "glowing" is a good thing.  I'm glad to "glow".

Another Late Night

I'm up late again, chilling in the stairwell, making sure none of the EFY Friday night lock down "prisoners" don't escape.  The keys are collected, damage reports completed, I'm listening to my Walt Disney Pandora channel, reading some General Conference talks, finishing up my tenth journal and beginning my eleventh journal.  I love EFY. It's weird to think that I'm not going to be doing this for another three weeks.  EFY has consumed my life this past month and I've loved it.  I'm exhausted and I could use a break, but part of me really doesn't want a break.  It's so cool to actually be making a difference by what I'm doing.  Even if I just touch one or two lives for good, it's so worth it.  I love going to bed exhausted because I've been serving others and my Savior.  And bringing these girls and boys closer to Him has brought me closer to Him.  I've made some awesome friends.  I've learned what it means to be truly respected by men and I've learned what it looks like when a man loves the Lord with all his heart.  I've learned that I need to learn how to work in a partnership better.  I've learned that I hate disciplining people, even when it's necessary and in their best interests.  I've learned that people get scared when you threaten to go all "Lamanite mother" on them.  I've been able to glimpse Heavenly Father's love for these kids.  I've learned how much I've learned over the past seven years of my life.  I've learned a lot since I was fourteen.  And when I'm twenty eight I'll be like "I've learned a lot since I was twenty one."  I want my kids to know that life gets better than it is at fourteen.  It really truly does.

Arise and Shine

Wow!!  I have learned and grown so much the past few weeks doing EFY. I have made many new friends and I've learned lots of parenting skills.  I have also learned to trust in the Lord and He has given me strength beyond my own to do the things that I need to do for my children at EFY. It's so awesome to see the change that happens in just a week with these kids as they learn to apply the gosple to their lives.  This whole experience has really strengthened my testimony too.  My girls strength amazes me, they all have so many hard things going on in their lives.

Not too mention that I feel so much more hip now.  I'm all up on what's cool with 14 - 15 and the 16 - 18 crowd.  I've learned a lot about the Bieb's and One Direction, COWs (crush of the week), and that apparently the music I grew up with in elementary school is cool again, especially Backstreet Boys and N'Sync!  It's pretty much awesome!!

These past few weeks have been some of the hardest weeks of my life.  I've gone to bed every night absolutely exhausted and woken up still exhausted.  But it's the best feeling ever.  I've felt tired for all sorts of reasons but the best tired is tired out from doing the work of the Lord with all your heart, might, mind, and strength.  Because of that these weeks have also been some of the best weeks of my life.  I have seen miracles.  And I can't wait for more EFY weeks.

Basically the moral of the story is that I have the best job ever in the history of best job's ever!!!

'Nuff said.  

Enjoy the pictures.  :)

Cute note from an unknown boy to all the girls at EFY.

The Celestial One's

My Celestial Girls

Amore Girls

My Co-Co Fonzie

My Co-Co Kelsey and I

Me and Fonzie

Josh and Kelsey

Amore!!

What Has Gotten Me Through The Past Few Weeks Since Spring Break

1. My parents.  I'm pretty sure I've been on the phone with them a ton the past few weeks.

2. This quote from my Girls State days:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Nelson Mandela

3. "I Have Confidence" from The Sound of Music. Yeah I've been playing this song over and over.

"I have confidence in confidence alone. 

Besides what you see I have confidence in me."

 

Now I'm just hoping to get through the next two weeks.  Two weeks.  I can do it.  

Quick Post

It's been a long time since I've blogged, and my life's been pretty crazy.  Here's a quick recap of the past month or so.

• EFY prep has been really cool.  I've learned a lot.  I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of being a counselor, especially because I've never really done anything like it before.  It's another one of the many "first's" I've experienced this past year.
• I've got a new job.  I will no longer be calling U of U alumni asking them to donate money to the U.  Instead I will be working with special needs people helping them to get jobs or to work effectively in the job they already have.  I'm excited and nervous for this opportunity as well.  It's going to be another learning experience because I also have never done anything like this before.
• I've started volunteering with a hospice.  The little lady I help is so adorable and funny.  The hour that I spend with her on Sunday's is probably the highlight of my whole week, every week.
• I got a scholarship!  (woot woot!)  Yay for free money for school.
• I got to visit my family over spring break.  :)
• Community is back on NBC!!  :)
• Other than that my life has just been lots of school, homework, visiting teaching, volunteering at Primary's, vampire's stealing my blood (blood draws), roommate drama, and more homework.

Death and Dying

So I bet you're wondering why I would title a blog post "Death and Dying".  I'm really not trying to be morbid.  I don't have a death wish.  This isn't a "final" blog post.  It's because this is my favorite class this semester.

Now you're probably wondering why I would even be taking a "Death and Dying" class.  It sounds like a morbid, depressing, maybe even scary, class to begin with.  I'm taking the class because it's suggested for future Child Life Specialists, because even though it's a sad thought, some kids in hospitals do die.  And part of the Child Life Specialists job is to help kids get through the dying process and to help siblings of children who have died.

This class has given me a chance to reflect on death.  It's given me a chance to notice how prevelant it is in our pop culture.  I've got a "death playlist" with 28 songs that were already on my iPod that have to do with death.  And there are songs that I really like that I don't even own that are about death as well like Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying" and "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.  Not to mention how much it's on TV.  And the news.  Oh goodness hearing about the tragic deaths of the Powell boys made me sick to my stomach.

But I've really enjoyed this class on death because it's taught me how to live.  It's reminded me that relationships are the most important thing in life.  Caring about people is the most important thing you can do.  That's what matters when you face death.

Becoming Peter Pan

I’ve heard it said that people my age are walking around like “a bunch of twenty something year old Peter Pans.”  I never was a huge fan of Peter Pan as a kid.  I wanted to grow up.  Grownups got to do so many cool things.  And my life was going to be perfect, of course.  Like a fairytale.  Why not grow up?  I could eat ice cream for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I wouldn’t have to go to bed.  I would have so much independence and freedom.  I couldn’t wait to grow.

But the older I get the more I feel like I’m becoming Peter Pan, stuck in Never Land.  In some ways it’s my decision.  As I’ve grown up I’ve found that all those adults who told me not to grow up to fast were onto something.  And I’d always just thought they were crazy.  Why wouldn’t I want to grow up?  There was no such thing as growing up too fast.  But now I’m wondering where the past twenty years of my life went.  Now I’m wishing I could go back to the innocence and the simplicity of childhood.  And I do sometimes.  I eat foods I loved growing up.  I watch The Lion King (I still know most of the words).  I sleep with a stuffed animal and my “security blanket”.  I occasionally listen to the Backstreet Boys and my Touched By An Angel CD.  Sometimes I feel much younger than my twenty years.  I wonder when I became old enough or responsible enough to drive, pay rent, go to college, and feed myself.  When did I become old enough to have friends my age who are married and even starting to pop out babies?  I don’t feel old enough, mature enough, or prepared at all for anything like that.  I’d say the older I get the less I feel like I’m ready for those responsibilities.  

I feel like Taylor Swift’s song “Never Grow Up” says everything I would tell myself when I was younger and how I feel right now.

                I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

                So here I am in my new apartment

                In a big city they just dropped me off

                It’s so much colder than I thought it would be

                So I tuck myself in and turn my night light on

                Wish I’d never grown up

                Wish I’d never grown up

                Oh I don’t want to grow up

                Wish I’d never grown up

                It could still be little

                I don’t want to grow up

                Wish I’d never grown up

                It could still be simple

Miranda Lambert’s song “The House That Built Me” make me feel the same way.

                I know they say

                You can’t come home again.

                I just had to come back one last time.

                I thought if I could touch this place or feel it

                The brokenness inside me might start healing

                Out here it’s like I’m someone else

                Thought that maybe I could find myself

                If I could just come in I swear I’ll leave

                Won’t take nothing but a memory

                From the house that built me.

                You leave home,

     You move on

    And you do the best you can

                I got lost in this old world,

    Have forgotten who I am

                If I could walk around I swear I’ll leave

                Won’t take nothing but a memory

                From the house that built me

In some ways it is our society that is keeping me and my friends in Never Land.  I almost have a bachelor’s degree but that doesn’t mean a lot anymore.  I’ll have to go on for my Master’s degree.  Which means more school.  I have a job, but I can’t pay for everything on my own.  It’s a frustrating to still be financially dependent on my parents but I know I’m not alone in this.  I’m actually doing better than most kids my age because I’m not in debt at all.  We want to grow up, but there are so many hoops we have to jump through first.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this:

 It's hard to grow up.  

(Yet another post I wrote a really long time ago and never posted.)

There are some moments that stick with you.  There are moments when you wish you had chosen differently.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to go to the temple.  As I crossed the street from the Conference Center over to Temple Square a woman caught my eye.  She looked like your regular old homeless beggar that you might see any given day around Temple Square.  I knew the social routine - look away, pretend you don't see her, keep walking, ignore her, and if she tries to ask you for money politely say no without stopping. And I did.  I walked right on by her without stopping.  She did ask me for money and I shyly said no.

I instantly felt guilty, but I tried to put the instance out of my mind.  I thought to myself  "I'm a poor college student, it's not like I have money to give away anyway."  And then I thought "She'd probably just end up using it on drugs and alcohol anyway."  And I thought "She might have tried to steal your wallet when you brought it out or something."

But I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt.  I asked myself "Really?  You couldn't have spared a few dimes? Nickles? Pennies?  You had loose change in your pocket.  It may not have helped much but it could have helped her some."  And I considered the place I was going.  I was going to the temple to worship my Savior.  Did He turn away help for the poor and the homeless?  I considered what He would've done and compared it to what I had done.  I wondered if it was really my place to judge what she would spend the money on.  And why would I just assume the worst in this woman?  I also wondered at what had made her choose her location to beg.  Did she believe that Latter-Day Saints are Christ like people who would have compassion for the poor?  Had she been proven wrong over and over again that day and seen Latter-Day Saints as only judgmental hypocrites who don't practice what they preach?

This has bothered me for a while now. And I'm really not sure what to do.

That Awkward Moment When You Realize That You're Holding Yourself Back

(This is another post I wrote a few months ago and never posted.)


The other day I was watching this TED talk about this girl who's leg's got amputated. And she was talking about how that was a good experience for her and how she learned to use her limits (not having legs) to propel her and make her into a better person.  I thought it was a nice heartwarming talk and then went to bed without thinking much about it.

And then I woke up the next morning and I had an epiphany.  I had a thought that hit me with so much force and made me want to jump for joy and caused me to hold back tears.  I thought "Why are you holding yourself back?  You say that you don't use your blood disorder as an excuse but let's be honest, you do.  You tell yourself 'I'm a slow runner because of my blood disorder.'  You tell yourself that you can't get fit because of your blood disorder.  You tell yourself that you don't get asked out on dates because of your blood disorder.  You say you're shy and introverted because of your blood disorder.  You tell yourself that you're a control freak and you get anxious because of your blood disorder.  And sometimes it's not even that you're using the blood disorder as an excuse, you just look at the world negatively and it's holding you back.  You tell yourself you can't.  You tell yourself it's too late to change.  It's not to late to change.  You're still young.  Tell yourself that you can.  Stop using excuses.  Think positively.  You're holding yourself back."

All those thoughts raced through my mind in an instant and I knew they were true.
And I knew that I needed to change.
No more excuses.

In the title of this blog post I used the word awkward.  But awkward could easily be replace with the words liberating, terrifying, or "no-duh!".  Because it's a freeing moment.  It's a moment when you know that you're accountable for your agency.  And it's a moment when you know that you knew all of this information all along.  Now the problem is motivating, disciplining, and controlling myself to reach those goals.  It's going to be an uphill battle.  I'm going to fall sometimes.  I'm going to have to learn to forgive myself when I make mistakes.  But I can do this.

Sticks and Stones

(I actually wrote this post a couple of months ago and never posted it.  I think there's been enough time that I can post it now.) 

"Words can break someone into a million pieces." - Taylor Swift

I've never taken criticism very well.  Even if it's constructive criticism and I know that logically, I have always had a tendency to take criticism very personally.  It's a weakness I've been trying to work on.  When I was younger I would never let anyone read anything I had written that meant anything to me, because even if they were just correcting grammar or spelling I felt like they were ripping my work apart and in essence ripping me apart.  I hold the things that I do, the things I believe in, the things I have experienced, the things I dream about, the things that make up who I am very close to my heart.  It takes a lot for me to open up my heart, my mind, my thoughts, and my words.  And when I do finally open that deepest part of me one thoughtless word, one small line on a paper, can cause me to close them off to others forever.

I've had people the past few weeks tell me what they really think of me.  It has all been with the best intentions.  And I know that.  None of them were trying to be mean.  Some were just absent mindedly commenting.  Some were trying to help me improve.  Some think they know me well.  Others know that they don't know me at all.  But they all still felt that it was appropriate to tell me exactly what my problem(s) is(are).  And I took all their words to heart.  Every. Single. Word.    Some I tried to apply and improve on.  Some I wondered at.  Some I ranted at.  These people with their words have no idea how they tore me apart.  They have no idea that I have been torn apart from every angle the past few weeks.  They don't know how many other people have also felt like it was their place to comment on my life.  They don't know how every word makes me want to crawl under a rock, never speak again, never try again.

I wonder why I give off such a terrible first impression?  It's not intentional.

I wonder when it's appropriate to take someone's criticism to heart and to use it to make you become a better person?  And when is it appropriate to scream in their face "Screw you!  You don't know my life!  How dare you?"  When is it ok to tell someone who is a consistently negative force in you life to get out? When is it ok to tell someone who will never think you're good enough to back off and get on with their own life?

"You, with your words like knives 

And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again

Got me feeling like a nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I'm wounded

You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow

But you don't know, what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

....

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down

Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again

...

And I can see you years from now in a bar

Talking over a football game

With that same big loud opinion

But nobody's listening

Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things

Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't do [anything]"

***

"I don't need you to worry about me cause I'm alright

I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life

Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance

I never said I was a victim of circumstance

I still belong, don't get me wrong

You can speak your mind

But not on my time

Keep it to yourself, it's my life."

(I don't own the rights to either song)

Too harsh?  Yeah probably.  I meant every word of it. I'm sick of hearing everybody's opinion of me while I am nice and don't say what I'm really thinking.  Trust me, you don't want to know what I'm really thinking.  And it is my life and I really don't give a damn what anybody else thinks.  Especially people who don't even know me.  I try not to pass judgement on others.  Please give me the same courtesy.  Even if I'm not living my life exactly the way you think I should be.  Even if I'm not perfect.  I'm trying.  And believe it or not, I really do try to make everybody happy.  And I'm shooting for perfection.  So I'd rather not have my flaws pointed out to me.  Because I'm probably my worst critic.  So yes, I actually am aware of my flaws.  I am aware of what is not perfect in my life.  In all aspects of my life.  Nothing that anyone has told me the past week or two has surprised me.  But having it pointed out and elaborated on hasn't helped me at all.  

Nobody Said It Was Easy . . . No One Ever Said It Would Be So Hard

I hate making decisions.  I hate the finality of it.  I love keep my options open.  I hate closing the door.  I hate the whole process.  The not knowing.  The wondering "Am I sure this is right? Am I sure I'm not making some huge mistake?"

Of course I'm not sure. Most of the time there is no surety. If I was sure this choice would be super easy.

And I hate it when the choice is between two good things.  Why can't it always be black and white, good and bad, right and wrong, yes and no?  Why does it always have to be between white and a slightly different shade of white?  OK and OK?  Right and right in a different way?  Maybe and Maybe? How are you supposed to choose?

And why is it always feast or famine?  I pray for a long time for something, doesn't show up, doesn't show up, doesn't show up . . . wait and wait and wait . . . then BOOM! I get two (or more) good choices as an answer to said prayer.  I only needed one answer!  Two answers just complicates my life even more! Life's never that simple is it?

I know, I know.  It's a learning, growing experience.  I'll be thankful for it later.  It's life.  It's adulthood. Sometimes everybody has to choose between two good choices.

Quotes

For reasons usually unknown, some people are born with physical limitations. Specific parts of the body may be abnormal. Regulatory systems may be out of balance. And all of our bodies are subject to disease and death. Nevertheless, the gift of a physical body is priceless. Without it, we cannot attain a fulness of joy. ¹⁸

A perfect body is not required to achieve a divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames. Great spiritual strength is often developed by those with physical challenges precisely because they are challenged. Such individuals are entitled to all the blessings that God has in store for His faithful and obedient children. ^{19 _ Elder Russel M. Nelson}

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.

Hippocrates 

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself.  And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.

-- Paulo Coelho

The Trouble With Being An Introvert And Slow To Warm Up

I've always liked being alone.  True story. There were many times when I was little and my brother wanted to play with me and I was mean to him because I wanted to play alone.  It wasn't anything against him (usually (sometimes?)) I have just always liked my alone time (ok I was a brat when I was little but that's not what this post is about). I always loved it when I could hang out at home all by myself . . . turn up my music and party by myself in my room.  I even get overloaded by socialization and then I have to take a break from the world and recoup in my own little world. 

So why do I feel so lonely?

I've felt this way before.  I remember when I was in the first grade and my only friends during recess were the "lunch duties".  I sat out and watched the other kids play for a year, not quite feeling included and sad because my best friend from kindergarten was in another class.  And then there was seventh grade.  That was a rough year.  I didn't even want to feel included that year because I just wanted to go home to all my friends and family and to have everything go back to the way it was before my 12th birthday.  I made three friends that year - one at school, one at YW's, and one in the car pool. 

I guess I'm just a little confused because it wasn't like this two years ago.  But it was different then, it was easier then.  I know that it's going to get better.  It always does.  I struggle alone for a year and then it gets better. People don't always like me at first, aparantly I put out a vibe of hatred. I don't mean to, but I've been told that I do.  And I'm not completely alone.  My roommates are alright and I have one friend at school. 

Sometimes when I'm walking by myself or waiting all alone at the doctors office I wonder why I'm so alone.  But then I realize that I'm learning to be independent and self relient.  I only have myself to rely on out here.  Except that's not really true.  I have a lot of family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, who have been so supportive of me while I've been out here.  And I always have the Savior to rely on.  I'm really not alone at all, there are always people around me, at school, at church, everywhere I go.  I'm not as alone as I originally thought I was.

Playlist:
"Dancing With Myself" - Glee
"On My Own" - Les Miserables
"The Outside" - Taylor Swift

I am a Human Development and Family Studies Major

There.

I said it.

And I didn't qualify it.

Every single time someone asks me the inevitable college get to know you question I get a little nervous.  The second I say "Human Development" I get "the look".  I know that look, because I used to give that look.  It's the look that says "What in the world do you expect to do with that major?  Get your MRS degree and then start popping out babies and be a stay at home mom?  What if something happens and you have to provide for your family?  You can't provide for a family with that degree!" And like I said, I used to give "that look" too.  I remember going on a campus tour at BYU and passing the building that they said is where all the family and consumer sciences classes are.  I scoffed and thought to myself "Yeah, all the girls who are counting on getting married, dropping out of college, and being taken care of the rest of their lives. Ha."  Yeah, I was a little judgmental when I was seventeen.  Just a little bit. But I could be because I knew everything back then. I digress.  A few years, a little experience, and a lot of prayers later here I am trying to come to terms with my major.  I always feel like I have to defend what I am studying and why I am studying it.  My answer is almost always "My major is Human Development it's the program that will help me become a Child Life Specialist which is kind of like a play therapist at a hospital." It's a long and awkward explanation. But after that long explanation everyone is pretty much like "Ok, so you actually have a plan for your life." But at the same time I get tired of explaining myself and my life plans in the first five minutes of meeting someone.  And there is a part of me that thinks that I shouldn't have to explain myself and my choice of major to the world.

I was thinking about this today.  I was also thinking about the classes I'm taking and how they relate to families.   I was listening to the Mormon Channel program about families. I realized that this is my way to help families.  It is something that I have control over that will be helping families.  The family is under attack. This is how I can help the family. I realized that I don't have to explain or defend myself and my major and I don't have to feel like I'm pursuing a major that isn't really a good major.  It is an excellent major.  I am glad to be a Human Development and Family Studies Major.

Big University, Big City, Little Lessons, and my Little Playlist

Did you know that the University of Utah campus is 6 times bigger than the BYU campus?

I didn't.

But I learned that this week in Institute.

Institute is amazing by the way.

Just in case you were wondering.

I would recommend the Gospel and the Productive Life class.

We're only two classes in and my mind has already been blown away.

Seriously.

People on big campuses and in big cities don't say hi to people as they walk by.

And they look at you like your insane if you say hello to them.

True story.

 I not only found all of my classes, the library, and the institute building but I also found the grocery store this week, all by myself.

I was impressed.

I'm starting to recognize people from my ward, institute class, and classes.

I rode the bus to class for the first time ever in my entire life.  (OK, so it was actually a campus shuttle and I was already on campus, but I'm counting it, because I really have never rode the bus to school).

I'm going to have super strong leg muscles by the end of the year from walking to class.

I've already had more mail the past week then I had all last year.

Applying for jobs is a pain.

But a necessary pain.

On my to do/see list:

• Temple Square/Downtown Salt Lake/Church Headquarters
• Ride Trax
• London Store

My Playlist this week:
"Don't Forget To Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood (my theme song from when I moved away to SUU)

"Holding On" by Cherie Call (my theme song from when I moved to St. George)

"Movin' Out" by Billy Joel (because it's about moving, sort of, it has a good beat, and I just like it!)

"Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift (my theme song for moving this week. i'm also learning how to play this on the piano.)

"This One's For The Girls" by Martina McBride (this one came out when I was 13 and my mom related to the 42 part even though she wasn't that old then, now I relate much better to the 25 part.)

"A Place In This World" by Taylor Swift (because I still feel this way sometimes)

"Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood (because I have a feeling I'll be learning lessons in this chapter of my life like I have been my whole life)

"Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood (because all of us are in a "temporary home" and in a temporary stage in life and no matter how good or bad it is, it's temporary)

"Uncharted" by Sara Bareilles (because all of this change is uncharted for me).

So that's life so far this week.