The Trouble With Being An Introvert And Slow To Warm Up

I've always liked being alone.  True story. There were many times when I was little and my brother wanted to play with me and I was mean to him because I wanted to play alone.  It wasn't anything against him (usually (sometimes?)) I have just always liked my alone time (ok I was a brat when I was little but that's not what this post is about). I always loved it when I could hang out at home all by myself . . . turn up my music and party by myself in my room.  I even get overloaded by socialization and then I have to take a break from the world and recoup in my own little world. 

So why do I feel so lonely?

I've felt this way before.  I remember when I was in the first grade and my only friends during recess were the "lunch duties".  I sat out and watched the other kids play for a year, not quite feeling included and sad because my best friend from kindergarten was in another class.  And then there was seventh grade.  That was a rough year.  I didn't even want to feel included that year because I just wanted to go home to all my friends and family and to have everything go back to the way it was before my 12th birthday.  I made three friends that year - one at school, one at YW's, and one in the car pool. 

I guess I'm just a little confused because it wasn't like this two years ago.  But it was different then, it was easier then.  I know that it's going to get better.  It always does.  I struggle alone for a year and then it gets better. People don't always like me at first, aparantly I put out a vibe of hatred. I don't mean to, but I've been told that I do.  And I'm not completely alone.  My roommates are alright and I have one friend at school. 

Sometimes when I'm walking by myself or waiting all alone at the doctors office I wonder why I'm so alone.  But then I realize that I'm learning to be independent and self relient.  I only have myself to rely on out here.  Except that's not really true.  I have a lot of family, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, who have been so supportive of me while I've been out here.  And I always have the Savior to rely on.  I'm really not alone at all, there are always people around me, at school, at church, everywhere I go.  I'm not as alone as I originally thought I was.

Playlist:
"Dancing With Myself" - Glee
"On My Own" - Les Miserables
"The Outside" - Taylor Swift