Wall of Gratitude

Every year during the month of November for the past three years, my roommates and I have put up a "Wall of Gratitude".  This wall of sticky notes serves as reminder of all the things we have been blessed with and gives us an opportunity to express our gratitude.  It becomes a game to a certain extent.  We usually keep it up throughout Christmas to remind us about all of the wonderful things in life.  Well it's only October and I don't have any roommates this year, but I want to start my "Wall of Gratitude".  I am challenging myself for the next two months to find something everyday to be grateful for and to express that gratitude.  If it's a long story I feel like sharing about my gratitude, I'll share it on here.  If it's a quick thought, I'll share it on Facebook.  I also will take the time to write private and personal notes of gratitude to those in my life to whom I owe a debt of gratitude.  Which is most of the people in my life.

My first "sticky note of gratitude" goes to my Heavenly Father.  Of course I always owe him and feel grateful for the life He has granted me, the world He allows me to live in, and the family and friends He has blessed me with.  But today I am feeling particularly grateful for His guidance in my life for a particular reason.

Today I found out that starting in January 2014, because of some new government regulations, Child Life Interns will have to be either affiliated with a college or paid in order to do their internship that is required to become certified.  Because of this, if I didn't have my internship that I have today, I wouldn't be able to do my internship, because I am unaffiliated with any college and let's face it, they're never gonna pay interns.  I got this internship at the perfect time.

Flash back to two years ago.  As my EFY participants and close friends and family know, I was debating on going on a mission.  I really, really wanted to go on a mission.  I had a mile long list on why it was a good idea for me to go on a mission.  I had wanted to go since I was eleven years old. I had been told by many people I would be a really good missionary, and I believed them. I thought it would be an awesome experience.   But I had never asked my Heavenly Father about it.  This time of year two years ago I started to really ask Heavenly Father about my plan to go on a mission.  I told him how much I wanted to go.  But I got an answer of "No."  I didn't understand it.  I argued with Heavenly Father, telling Him that it was a good thing that I wanted.  I fluctuated back and forth about going on a mission for two months.

Finally I had a really great friend tell me about her experience as an EFY counselor.  I felt really strongly that I should apply to be an EFY counselor. So I did.  And long story short, on some long shot, I became an EFY counselor.  That opportunity was the best two summers of my life.

My decision to not go on a mission has still been a difficult one.  As I watched the age drop and watched many friends and my younger brother going on missions, I wondered if I was missing something, if I had made the right choice.  I watched women my age who had gone on missions as they came back and these women were incredible.  I wondered if I could ever reach their spiritual level.  I wondered if I had missed out on my chance.

Through an incredible EFY miracle, I got an internship out in PA for this fall.  I am exactly where I need to be.  If I had gone with my plan for my life and gone on a mission, an internship would've been so much harder for me to get.  I would have missed this awesome opportunity.  I would have missed the opportunity to work with so many amazing youth and make amazing friends.

I am so glad that Heavenly Father told me "No."  I couldn't understand it two years ago, or even one year ago.  But Heavenly Father had a specific plan for me.  He had something that for me was better than a mission.  I know that Heavenly Father wants me to be a Child Life Specialist.  I don't know why, but I know he does.  I know that He wants me to live in Pennsylvania right now.  I don't know why, I just know he does.  I'm excited to see how other pieces of my life and His plan for me work out.  I know that Heavenly Father has guided me so far, and I know that He will continue to guide me to where I need to be.

If you don't know why you are where you are or why Heavenly Father gave you an answer that you didn't want or what Heavenly Father wants you to do with your life, just know this.  Heavenly Father does have a plan for you.  You may not understand it.  It may be difficult.  It may be different than what you would plan for yourself.  But the peace that comes from living your plan and knowing that you are where Heavenly Father wants you is worth the difficulty.  Heavenly Father loves you and knows you better than you know your self.

Dear Internet

For the first time in the past three weeks I have consistent access to the internet.  Hooray! Because of this lack of internet access I have not kept my blog caught up. Mentally I have written about a million and one blog posts.  So dear little blog, let me catch you up.

I now live in a different state and a different time zone and a different world than the last time I wrote.  The state is Pennsylvania, the time zone Eastern, and the world Beautiful. After this move and my past month in Virginia and my little trips back east over my lifetime, I'm convinced that there is an east coast girl that has been waiting to come out. And here she is!

I will post a few pictures on this post and I will post more later.  Right now I should be working on homework that is due tomorrow. :)

This is me and my street!

Dad and I stopped at Winter Quarters on the way out here.

Winter Quarters Temple

Danville Courthouse

More pictures and posts to come soon!

New Experiences

"A person who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." - Albert Einstein

Life is filled with new experiences. That's what life is all about.  Life is a series of experiences, occurring day after day.

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." -  Eleanor Roosevelt

These past few weeks I've had a series of new experiences happen in my life.  Some of those experiences have been stressful and overwhelming.

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C. S. Lewis

Some of those experiences have been sweet, happy experiences.  I guess it's because good always comes with bad and vice versa.  That's sort of what Lehi said, right?

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney

One of the new experiences is sending Mason off on his mission.  I miss him, but I am seeing the blessings that are coming from having a missionary in the family.

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Another new experience for me lately has been learning to accept help from family when I need it.  

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

I feel like I can officially be pronounced an adult.  I have done Jury duty.  That experience won't have to be repeated for at least two years.

"Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing." - Oscar Wilde

Sometimes new experiences are experiences that you have hoped and prayed for all of your life and have always seemed just out of reach.  Then out of no where you get to have the experience for yourself.

"Nothing ever becomes real till it's experienced." - John Keates

There are experiences that you never thought you'd experience, never wanted to experience, and that you wouldn't ever want to experience again. 

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt 

New experiences are terrifying because you never know what they will be like until you have actually experienced them.

“A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

 Experiences are more valuable then things.  Always.

"Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." - Doctrine and Covenants 122:7

Rapunzel and I

One of the great things about EFY is that it gave me cause to look at myself in a different light.  I wanted to let my kids know why I'm jaundice, but I wanted a fun and positive way to explain it.  So I thought of something brilliant.  I would tell my kids that my skin glows like Rapunzel's hair in Tangled.  It worked for them, for my fellow counselors, and even for me.  The past four weeks when I've told people they've been like "It's so true, you glow."  It's so much better to be told that you glow rather than looking at yourself like an ugly neon light.  And as we discussed the theme Arise and Shine and how these kids can get the glow of the Spirit by living the gospel I realized that "glowing" is a good thing.  I'm glad to "glow".

What Has Gotten Me Through The Past Few Weeks Since Spring Break

1. My parents.  I'm pretty sure I've been on the phone with them a ton the past few weeks.

2. This quote from my Girls State days:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Nelson Mandela

3. "I Have Confidence" from The Sound of Music. Yeah I've been playing this song over and over.

"I have confidence in confidence alone. 

Besides what you see I have confidence in me."

 

Now I'm just hoping to get through the next two weeks.  Two weeks.  I can do it.  

Happy News!

I'm Going To Be An 

EFY COUNSELOR

Summer 2012!!

I'm going to go do a happy dance!

YAY!!!

30 Day Challenges 2012

Instead of doing normal New Years Resolutions, I thought I would just set up my 30 day challenges for the year.  12 months of 30 day challenges.  Naturally, I'll leave the most difficult for December because it won't technically be 30 days, it'll only be 22 days, and then we'll all die.  :)

January: Write a Poem Everyday

February: Walk/Run A 5K Everyday

March: No Sugar 

April: Take A Picture Everyday

May: Write A Novel (in one month)

June: Cook A New Meal Everyday

July: Yoga Everyday

August: Meditate Everyday

September: Learn A New Phrase In Italian Everyday

October: Be A Vegetarian

November: Learn To Play The Guitar

December: Wake Up At 5:30 AM Everyday

So first things first:

January: Write A Poem Everyday

Wish me luck . . . I'm gonna need it . . . 

That Awkward Moment When You Realize That You're Holding Yourself Back

(This is another post I wrote a few months ago and never posted.)


The other day I was watching this TED talk about this girl who's leg's got amputated. And she was talking about how that was a good experience for her and how she learned to use her limits (not having legs) to propel her and make her into a better person.  I thought it was a nice heartwarming talk and then went to bed without thinking much about it.

And then I woke up the next morning and I had an epiphany.  I had a thought that hit me with so much force and made me want to jump for joy and caused me to hold back tears.  I thought "Why are you holding yourself back?  You say that you don't use your blood disorder as an excuse but let's be honest, you do.  You tell yourself 'I'm a slow runner because of my blood disorder.'  You tell yourself that you can't get fit because of your blood disorder.  You tell yourself that you don't get asked out on dates because of your blood disorder.  You say you're shy and introverted because of your blood disorder.  You tell yourself that you're a control freak and you get anxious because of your blood disorder.  And sometimes it's not even that you're using the blood disorder as an excuse, you just look at the world negatively and it's holding you back.  You tell yourself you can't.  You tell yourself it's too late to change.  It's not to late to change.  You're still young.  Tell yourself that you can.  Stop using excuses.  Think positively.  You're holding yourself back."

All those thoughts raced through my mind in an instant and I knew they were true.
And I knew that I needed to change.
No more excuses.

In the title of this blog post I used the word awkward.  But awkward could easily be replace with the words liberating, terrifying, or "no-duh!".  Because it's a freeing moment.  It's a moment when you know that you're accountable for your agency.  And it's a moment when you know that you knew all of this information all along.  Now the problem is motivating, disciplining, and controlling myself to reach those goals.  It's going to be an uphill battle.  I'm going to fall sometimes.  I'm going to have to learn to forgive myself when I make mistakes.  But I can do this.

Sticks and Stones

(I actually wrote this post a couple of months ago and never posted it.  I think there's been enough time that I can post it now.) 

"Words can break someone into a million pieces." - Taylor Swift

I've never taken criticism very well.  Even if it's constructive criticism and I know that logically, I have always had a tendency to take criticism very personally.  It's a weakness I've been trying to work on.  When I was younger I would never let anyone read anything I had written that meant anything to me, because even if they were just correcting grammar or spelling I felt like they were ripping my work apart and in essence ripping me apart.  I hold the things that I do, the things I believe in, the things I have experienced, the things I dream about, the things that make up who I am very close to my heart.  It takes a lot for me to open up my heart, my mind, my thoughts, and my words.  And when I do finally open that deepest part of me one thoughtless word, one small line on a paper, can cause me to close them off to others forever.

I've had people the past few weeks tell me what they really think of me.  It has all been with the best intentions.  And I know that.  None of them were trying to be mean.  Some were just absent mindedly commenting.  Some were trying to help me improve.  Some think they know me well.  Others know that they don't know me at all.  But they all still felt that it was appropriate to tell me exactly what my problem(s) is(are).  And I took all their words to heart.  Every. Single. Word.    Some I tried to apply and improve on.  Some I wondered at.  Some I ranted at.  These people with their words have no idea how they tore me apart.  They have no idea that I have been torn apart from every angle the past few weeks.  They don't know how many other people have also felt like it was their place to comment on my life.  They don't know how every word makes me want to crawl under a rock, never speak again, never try again.

I wonder why I give off such a terrible first impression?  It's not intentional.

I wonder when it's appropriate to take someone's criticism to heart and to use it to make you become a better person?  And when is it appropriate to scream in their face "Screw you!  You don't know my life!  How dare you?"  When is it ok to tell someone who is a consistently negative force in you life to get out? When is it ok to tell someone who will never think you're good enough to back off and get on with their own life?

"You, with your words like knives 

And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again

Got me feeling like a nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I'm wounded

You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow

But you don't know, what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

....

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down

Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again

...

And I can see you years from now in a bar

Talking over a football game

With that same big loud opinion

But nobody's listening

Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things

Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't do [anything]"

***

"I don't need you to worry about me cause I'm alright

I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life

Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance

I never said I was a victim of circumstance

I still belong, don't get me wrong

You can speak your mind

But not on my time

Keep it to yourself, it's my life."

(I don't own the rights to either song)

Too harsh?  Yeah probably.  I meant every word of it. I'm sick of hearing everybody's opinion of me while I am nice and don't say what I'm really thinking.  Trust me, you don't want to know what I'm really thinking.  And it is my life and I really don't give a damn what anybody else thinks.  Especially people who don't even know me.  I try not to pass judgement on others.  Please give me the same courtesy.  Even if I'm not living my life exactly the way you think I should be.  Even if I'm not perfect.  I'm trying.  And believe it or not, I really do try to make everybody happy.  And I'm shooting for perfection.  So I'd rather not have my flaws pointed out to me.  Because I'm probably my worst critic.  So yes, I actually am aware of my flaws.  I am aware of what is not perfect in my life.  In all aspects of my life.  Nothing that anyone has told me the past week or two has surprised me.  But having it pointed out and elaborated on hasn't helped me at all.  

30 Day Challenge Take 3

No Chocolate

This is an ambitious one, especially seeing how December is Christmas time and I have two weddings to go to this month and I have finals week.  But I'm going to do it.  If you see me wandering around muttering under my breath "I can do hard things" or "I think I can, I think I can" now you know why.

Poem In Progress

The moment she stepped foot on campus
She knew that she belonged.
She had the confidence people envy
And she had big dreams for life.
"Someday" she told herself "I'll leave this town.
I'll live in Boston, Washington D.C.,
Maybe even New York.
I'll be the new girl there,
Just like I'm the new girl here
And I'll rock that place
Just like I'm rocking this place."

What happens when dreams change?
When the dreams she has
And the dreams she wants
No longer match.
She changes slowly but steadily
The new dreams seem more out of reach
 Than her old dreams.
She feels a sense of helplessness.
But she wants her new dreams
To come true so badly.
It's an uphill battle, all the way.
Her heart is broken
She's rejected in every way possible.
She begins to wonder about
Abandoning this new dream
 For her old dream.
But something in her heart reminds her of the princess
She always wanted to be.
She wonders how long she'll play the sad part.

Years pass
A new city, she's the new girl again,
The confidence she knew so well dimmed
Unsure, unsteady,
Where will her path lead now?
The incline steepens
New mountains to climb
Angels come to help along the way
She recognizes some but others go unnoticed
Each come in the nick of time.
She tries not to look to far back or to far forward
Choosing to concentrate one step at a time,
Knowing time has changed her and those she loved;
Knowing time will change her and those she loves.
Learning to rely on herself
And her angels as they come and go
And no one else.

Nobody Said It Was Easy . . . No One Ever Said It Would Be So Hard

I hate making decisions.  I hate the finality of it.  I love keep my options open.  I hate closing the door.  I hate the whole process.  The not knowing.  The wondering "Am I sure this is right? Am I sure I'm not making some huge mistake?"

Of course I'm not sure. Most of the time there is no surety. If I was sure this choice would be super easy.

And I hate it when the choice is between two good things.  Why can't it always be black and white, good and bad, right and wrong, yes and no?  Why does it always have to be between white and a slightly different shade of white?  OK and OK?  Right and right in a different way?  Maybe and Maybe? How are you supposed to choose?

And why is it always feast or famine?  I pray for a long time for something, doesn't show up, doesn't show up, doesn't show up . . . wait and wait and wait . . . then BOOM! I get two (or more) good choices as an answer to said prayer.  I only needed one answer!  Two answers just complicates my life even more! Life's never that simple is it?

I know, I know.  It's a learning, growing experience.  I'll be thankful for it later.  It's life.  It's adulthood. Sometimes everybody has to choose between two good choices.

Forget Me Not

At the most recent General Relief Society meeting there was a talk given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf about the forget-me-not flower. It was a beautiful talk, if you'd like to watch it you can find it at lds.org.  It was the perfect talk for me because moving up to this big city, attending a big university, which has a big institute, and being part of a big ward I've been feeling a little bit like the little forget-me-not; small and insignificant. 

I've been trying to look at this experience positively though.  It's a chance for me to overcome my shyness.  And it's not like I'm the only one who has ever felt like I am just one of the ninety and nine and I'm sure that there are other people at my school in a similar situation who are feeling just as lonely as me.  This is a chance for me to reach out to them.  This talk helped me feel better about that.

Besides forget-me-not's are pretty.  What would the world be like without forget-me-not's?

I think I've found a new favorite flower.  What ever happens, just don't forget to remember me.

I am a Human Development and Family Studies Major

There.

I said it.

And I didn't qualify it.

Every single time someone asks me the inevitable college get to know you question I get a little nervous.  The second I say "Human Development" I get "the look".  I know that look, because I used to give that look.  It's the look that says "What in the world do you expect to do with that major?  Get your MRS degree and then start popping out babies and be a stay at home mom?  What if something happens and you have to provide for your family?  You can't provide for a family with that degree!" And like I said, I used to give "that look" too.  I remember going on a campus tour at BYU and passing the building that they said is where all the family and consumer sciences classes are.  I scoffed and thought to myself "Yeah, all the girls who are counting on getting married, dropping out of college, and being taken care of the rest of their lives. Ha."  Yeah, I was a little judgmental when I was seventeen.  Just a little bit. But I could be because I knew everything back then. I digress.  A few years, a little experience, and a lot of prayers later here I am trying to come to terms with my major.  I always feel like I have to defend what I am studying and why I am studying it.  My answer is almost always "My major is Human Development it's the program that will help me become a Child Life Specialist which is kind of like a play therapist at a hospital." It's a long and awkward explanation. But after that long explanation everyone is pretty much like "Ok, so you actually have a plan for your life." But at the same time I get tired of explaining myself and my life plans in the first five minutes of meeting someone.  And there is a part of me that thinks that I shouldn't have to explain myself and my choice of major to the world.

I was thinking about this today.  I was also thinking about the classes I'm taking and how they relate to families.   I was listening to the Mormon Channel program about families. I realized that this is my way to help families.  It is something that I have control over that will be helping families.  The family is under attack. This is how I can help the family. I realized that I don't have to explain or defend myself and my major and I don't have to feel like I'm pursuing a major that isn't really a good major.  It is an excellent major.  I am glad to be a Human Development and Family Studies Major.

Big University, Big City, Little Lessons, and my Little Playlist

Did you know that the University of Utah campus is 6 times bigger than the BYU campus?

I didn't.

But I learned that this week in Institute.

Institute is amazing by the way.

Just in case you were wondering.

I would recommend the Gospel and the Productive Life class.

We're only two classes in and my mind has already been blown away.

Seriously.

People on big campuses and in big cities don't say hi to people as they walk by.

And they look at you like your insane if you say hello to them.

True story.

 I not only found all of my classes, the library, and the institute building but I also found the grocery store this week, all by myself.

I was impressed.

I'm starting to recognize people from my ward, institute class, and classes.

I rode the bus to class for the first time ever in my entire life.  (OK, so it was actually a campus shuttle and I was already on campus, but I'm counting it, because I really have never rode the bus to school).

I'm going to have super strong leg muscles by the end of the year from walking to class.

I've already had more mail the past week then I had all last year.

Applying for jobs is a pain.

But a necessary pain.

On my to do/see list:

• Temple Square/Downtown Salt Lake/Church Headquarters
• Ride Trax
• London Store

My Playlist this week:
"Don't Forget To Remember Me" by Carrie Underwood (my theme song from when I moved away to SUU)

"Holding On" by Cherie Call (my theme song from when I moved to St. George)

"Movin' Out" by Billy Joel (because it's about moving, sort of, it has a good beat, and I just like it!)

"Never Grow Up" by Taylor Swift (my theme song for moving this week. i'm also learning how to play this on the piano.)

"This One's For The Girls" by Martina McBride (this one came out when I was 13 and my mom related to the 42 part even though she wasn't that old then, now I relate much better to the 25 part.)

"A Place In This World" by Taylor Swift (because I still feel this way sometimes)

"Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood (because I have a feeling I'll be learning lessons in this chapter of my life like I have been my whole life)

"Temporary Home" by Carrie Underwood (because all of us are in a "temporary home" and in a temporary stage in life and no matter how good or bad it is, it's temporary)

"Uncharted" by Sara Bareilles (because all of this change is uncharted for me).

So that's life so far this week.

It's Finally Happening

I've been waiting all summer for this moment.  Summer vacation is almost over. And I'm really excited.  I made it to New York.  I finally figured out my living arrangement for the fall (which is such a relief and so nice to have over with, not gonna lie). I'm done with my job :) . I've located all my classes on campus and luckily, none are too far away or too hard to find.  I've got all but one of my books. I just spent the day packing, deciding what stays and what goes.  With the minor detail of finding a job up there, I think I'm ready to move.  This chapter of my life is coming to a close and a new chapter is opening in a new (big) city, with new roommates, new friends to be made, a new (big) college, new classes, and new adventures. I have a feeling this chapter is going to be filled with firsts.  Like the first time moving into an apartment where I don't know anyone.  But I've been blessed with some amazing roommates before and I'm sure I will be again. I'm excited and nervous.  I think this year will be a great one.  I feel like I'm a freshman all over again, but my freshman year was an amazing year, so I'm ok with repeating it.

Ready or not, Great White North, here I come!

For The Time Being

These are my short term goals:

• I want to get remotivated to eat healthy foods, healthy portions, and exercise.
• I want to get settled into my new position and responsibilities at work.
• I want to find a job in the Great-White North.
• I want to find housing in the Great-White North.
• I want to attend the temple once a month.
• I want to attend an institute class this summer.
• I want to make another quilt.
• I want to read a lot of books
• I want to spend less time on the computer and watching TV and movies.
• I want to practice the piano more consistently.
• I want to get back my self confidence and zest for life.

Negativity

This post was hard for me to type and I'm not sure if I'm going to publish it.  If I do be kind.  And I'm sorry it's really long and rambling.  But I had to get it out somehow.

I had an epiphany last night as I lied awake in bed trying to fall asleep but mind was going a million miles an hour.    I realized that I am an extremely negative person.

Really.

My brother had pointed this out to me a week or so ago when he told me I was cynical.  I brushed it off at the time.  But I thought about it and I really am.  When anything hard or unpleasant happens in my life I tend to face it in a negative way.

When I was little and in the hospital and getting poked and prodded I wasn't one of those happy, optimistic little sick kids you hear about who smile and get through it with no problem and no tears.  No.  I kicked.  I screamed.  I cried. I fought with all the energy I could muster.  It was like a life or death, fight or flight situation. I tried to manipulate (but that never really worked very well). I even considered bolting for the door, but that never seemed very likely to work.

 When we moved down to the Sunny South I was not happy about it and I made sure everyone knew, for a whole year.  I refused to see anything good in the situation, hoping that maybe if I did a good enough job making everyone aware of how much I hated the situation I was in they might change it back to how I wanted it.  That didn't work.  I just made myself miserable for a few years.

I give up on things that are hard for me.  You know things that I suck at like: Handwriting, Sports - of all kinds (seriously, soccer, baseball, basketball, tennis, and any other sport I've ever tried), and social things, you know, like dating.  I'm not the patient diligent type who works on my weaknesses until they turn into strengths.  I just say "Forget this" and go on to something that I enjoy more and can actually do well at.

I'm motivated by my fear of failure.  Really that's why I do almost everything.  I try really hard in school because if I don't I'll fail at school and I'll have to work at McDonald's and live in a box for the rest of my life, which would then make me a failure at life.  I can't handle failure.  If I fail then I'm even more worthless and hopeless and helpless then I was before.

Fear of pain is another huge motivator in my life.  It's why I'm so cautious and never take any risks if I can help it.  Even silly risks like riding on a roller coaster, because there's always this fear in the back of my mind that something will go wrong and I will end up hurt.  Not dead.  Hurt.  My fear of pain doesn't just extend to physical pain, I fear social and emotional pain as well.  That's why I'm so shy, especially with people I don't know very well.  Fear of pain.

My brother likes to point out that I very judgmental and critical of people.  And I am sometimes. It's something I struggle with.  But what he doesn't realize, what no one realizes, is that I'm much harder on myself then I am on other people.  I love to listen to Taylor Swifts song Mean especially in my car where I can turn it up as loud as it'll go and sing my heart out.  I'm singing this song to myself, because I'm very mean to myself.  I'm my own biggest critic.  I hate myself a lot of the time. I also like to sing Pink's "Perfect" another song that describes my life in so many ways.

It's time for this negativity to change.  I'm trading in pessimism and cynicism for optimism. I'm trading in doubt for hope.  I trading fear for faith.  I'm trading in negativity for positivity.  I'm trading in failure for success.  I'm trading in pain for healing. I'm going to try to make the best of my situation even if I don't like it very much.  I'm going to try to work on my weaknesses and turn them into strengths.  I'm going to try to be less introverted and closed to people and more extroverted and open to others.

It's time for a change.

Because life is beautiful and I have been blessed.  It's time for me to recognize those blessings and to take the time to be grateful for them and enjoy them like I should.  So here's to change.  Here's to taking responsibility for my life, for my "energy" as Oprah said on her final episode.

One of the main reasons I didn't want to move back home to the "Sunny South" was because I don't particularly like the YSA ward that I would be in down here.  I have only attended this YSA ward once but it was really awkward and I didn't really feel welcome.  It's a lot of people from my old high school who attend.  I kind of like to leave high school in the past as much as possible.  But my thinking is that if I don't attend this YSA ward and try to get a little bit involved, my summer is going to insist going to work for hours and then coming home and chilling out there.  There will be no social environment if I don't go.  So I need to go.  I know that logically.  But I still have this feeling of dread washing over me as I consider how I need to start getting ready and go over there.  I want my old YSA ward back.  I liked it.  A lot.  It was safe and comfortable and I knew that I belonged there.  Yet here I am.  I'm about to go to the uncomfortable and awkward YSA ward and be brought right back to who I was in high school.

Bitter Sweet

Another semester has come to an end.  This is a bitter-sweet time for me because I'm extremely excited for summer and to take on the new challenges and changes that life is going to bring my way.  At the same time I'm sad to be closing another chapter in my life.  I'm going to miss the mountains, the wind (I know it's a shocker I'm going to miss the wind), the beautiful (small) campus I'm about to leave behind, the wonderful ward with a rock star Relief Society President and an Amazing Bishop, and all of the friends I have made at this place.  It's been an amazing two years that I wouldn't trade for the world.  I have learned so much and grown up a lot.  I'm going to miss it.  But so life goes, when one door closes another one opens.  So let's see what's behind this next door!