"Does this needle make my blood seem thick?" and other concerns

When you go to the hospital as often as I do you learn things about your body that you couldn't learn otherwise. Nurses and doctors often make comments about my body that I'm not exactly sure how to take like:

• "You have really thick tissue." Umm, what exactly does that mean? What tissue are you talking about? Fat tissue? Skin tissue? Vein tissue? Do I need to do something about my thick tissue? Or is that just your excuse for not being able to start an IV? Is that why needles hurt me so badly?

• "You have veins that roll, are a mile deep, and shrink." Umm, I'm sorry my veins suck. I didn't even know that my body was a mile deep ;). What would you like me to do to fix these problems? I've asked my veins to stay still, come to the surface, and stay big; so far they haven't complied. When I design my next body I'll request good veins and thin tissue ;) Once again I can't help but wonder if this is really my fault or if you just suck at your job.

• "Wow your jugular vein doesn't go all the way down to your heart on this side!" Yet again God decided to play a cruel trick on my doctors and nurses and not place veins where they are supposed to be.

• "Your port moves, is slanted, is almost impossible to access, and clots over easily. It's probably because the surgeon placed it in breast tissue not "other" tissue and you have so many platelets in your blood." I'm sorry that I have big boobs and the surgeon chose to place my port near them (and near my heart which I think was the actual goal). And I'm sorry I have a blood disorder that causes my blood to break down quickly and causes me to have a high platelet count. Dang genetics - they ruin everything ;). How would you like me to fix these problems?

• "Your blood is really thick today." Umm, is that a good thing or a bad thing? What effects the thickness of my blood? Is that the thick tissue you were talking about?

• "You have lots of scar tissue." What can I say, you weren't the first person to try to poke me there and you probably won't be the last.

I guess that's the difficult thing about having an imperfect body it makes things difficult for the doctors and nurses to do their job. It's not their fault my body is so difficult. But it's not my fault either. So I can't blame them and they can't blame me.

New Experiences

"A person who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new." - Albert Einstein

Life is filled with new experiences. That's what life is all about.  Life is a series of experiences, occurring day after day.

"With the new day comes new strength and new thoughts." -  Eleanor Roosevelt

These past few weeks I've had a series of new experiences happen in my life.  Some of those experiences have been stressful and overwhelming.

"You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream." - C. S. Lewis

Some of those experiences have been sweet, happy experiences.  I guess it's because good always comes with bad and vice versa.  That's sort of what Lehi said, right?

"We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." - Walt Disney

One of the new experiences is sending Mason off on his mission.  I miss him, but I am seeing the blessings that are coming from having a missionary in the family.

"Do one thing everyday that scares you." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Another new experience for me lately has been learning to accept help from family when I need it.  

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.

I feel like I can officially be pronounced an adult.  I have done Jury duty.  That experience won't have to be repeated for at least two years.

"Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing." - Oscar Wilde

Sometimes new experiences are experiences that you have hoped and prayed for all of your life and have always seemed just out of reach.  Then out of no where you get to have the experience for yourself.

"Nothing ever becomes real till it's experienced." - John Keates

There are experiences that you never thought you'd experience, never wanted to experience, and that you wouldn't ever want to experience again. 

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.” ― Eleanor Roosevelt 

New experiences are terrifying because you never know what they will be like until you have actually experienced them.

“A new experience can be extremely pleasurable, or extremely irritating, or somewhere in between, and you never know until you try it out.” ― Lemony Snicket, The Blank Book

 Experiences are more valuable then things.  Always.

"Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." - Doctrine and Covenants 122:7

(Yet another post I wrote a really long time ago and never posted.)

There are some moments that stick with you.  There are moments when you wish you had chosen differently.

A couple of weeks ago I decided to go to the temple.  As I crossed the street from the Conference Center over to Temple Square a woman caught my eye.  She looked like your regular old homeless beggar that you might see any given day around Temple Square.  I knew the social routine - look away, pretend you don't see her, keep walking, ignore her, and if she tries to ask you for money politely say no without stopping. And I did.  I walked right on by her without stopping.  She did ask me for money and I shyly said no.

I instantly felt guilty, but I tried to put the instance out of my mind.  I thought to myself  "I'm a poor college student, it's not like I have money to give away anyway."  And then I thought "She'd probably just end up using it on drugs and alcohol anyway."  And I thought "She might have tried to steal your wallet when you brought it out or something."

But I couldn't shake the feeling of guilt.  I asked myself "Really?  You couldn't have spared a few dimes? Nickles? Pennies?  You had loose change in your pocket.  It may not have helped much but it could have helped her some."  And I considered the place I was going.  I was going to the temple to worship my Savior.  Did He turn away help for the poor and the homeless?  I considered what He would've done and compared it to what I had done.  I wondered if it was really my place to judge what she would spend the money on.  And why would I just assume the worst in this woman?  I also wondered at what had made her choose her location to beg.  Did she believe that Latter-Day Saints are Christ like people who would have compassion for the poor?  Had she been proven wrong over and over again that day and seen Latter-Day Saints as only judgmental hypocrites who don't practice what they preach?

This has bothered me for a while now. And I'm really not sure what to do.

To Put It Bluntly - Your Liver Isn't Going To Kill You - Your Heart Is Going To Kill You

Part of my parents smooth talking to get me out of the hospital last week was that I had to agree to go to the doctors office to prove to them that - you know - I hadn't died yet.

So I did.

I went to the doctor's office, hoping there wouldn't be another crazy adventure like the week before.  My doctor, Dr. P. came into my room and he looked at me incredulously "What happened?"

I didn't know what to say.  "Well, I came for my regular doctors appointment and they drew my blood and an hour later they were freaking out and wanting to admit me to the hospital."

Dr. P. sat down in the chair next to mine and said in his awesome heavy czech accent "Kelsi I want you to understand something.  I'm not worried about your liver.  Your liver could kill you, but it won't.  To put it bluntly - your liver isn't going to kill you - your heart will."

"Oh.  Ok."

Dr. P. then continued on to explain to me about how he wrote the reference sheet about PKD that all the other doctors read to find out about PKD when someone weird like me comes in.  So all the other doctors don't know what they're talking about.

Basically, my Dr. P. is the Dr. House of hematology. (You know minus the drug addiction, the limp, the getting the diagnosis wrong the first three times of diagnosising and the patient almost dying and the amazing good looks. And he also has more than one patient per week, which is sad for me because it would be awesome if I was my doctors only patient.)

Dr. House is so attractive!

Actually I really do believe him that most other doctors don't know what they're talking about when it comes to someone weird like me.  I'm a rarity.  That's why I get to play fun games like "Stump The Medical Student" or "Stump the Nurse" or "Stump The Nurse Practitioner/Physicians Assistant" or "Stump The Doctor".  I'm confusing.  I make them panic.  I shouldn't be functioning like I function.  I really should be dead.  I actually didn't have to explain to Dr. P. about what my blood disorder is and what my normal treatment is and such.  He already knew it all.  Plus some more. Which is great for me.

Dr. P. continued to tell me about the necessity of getting rid of my iron - so that my heart doesn't kill me.  The good news is that I'm not going to die anytime soon - contrary to what I heard on Thursday.

Just a refresher my liver isn't going to kill me

I have one of the two organs pictured here and that organ isn't going to kill me.

 But my heart will kill me (if we don't do something about it.  So we're doing something about it.)

The organ that might actually kill me.

When I Feel Fine I'm Dying And When I Feel Like I'm Dying I'm Fine

At least, that's what some doctors (who were treating me at the time) told me the other day.

I went to my routine doctors appointment.  My blood was drawn like normal and then I waited for a shot of medication and to hear if I was going to be bled today.

I waited for an hour.

Then a lady in a white doctors coat called my name.  I walked over to her thinking that she was just going to take me to get my shot like she was supposed to. Her words stopped me cold "We're admitting you to the hospital right now."

"What? Why?  I don't even feel sick." You know, except for the strange sinking sensation in my stomach, but I think that was just from the information I was hearing.

"Yeah your billirubin doubled and we think your kidneys are going to fail."

"Oh.  Ok."  I know, great response. She walked away to arrange me going up to the hospital while I walked, dazed, over to the window while reaching for my phone. I called my parents, still confused. "Hey I'm getting admitted to the hospital.  Just thought you might want to know."

"What?  Why?" (My response exactly!)

"Um, apparently my billirubin doubled in the past two weeks and my organs are going to be failing or something. I don't know, something dumb like that.  Honestly, I'm kind of confuzzled about the whole situation."

"Ok well let us know what's going on and we'll get there when we can."

"Alright."  A few minutes later I was ushered into a patient room and told to wait.  You see they had already filled out all the paper work to get me admitted to the hospital there just weren't any available beds.  I was ok with this because I felt fine so I wasn't really in any sort of rush to get up to the hospital.  The way I saw it, they should probably save those beds for someone who was actually feeling sick.  But apparently I would be feeling sick soon.  At least I assumed that I'd feel sick if my organs started failing.  But what do I know?  Apparently my organs have failed before, but I don't really remember those moments, but I assume I felt sick before said organ failure.  But we all know what assuming does.

So I waited some more in the patient room.  I texted my parents, my roommates, surfed the internet on my iPod, and I even took pictures on my iPod. This nice skinny little brunette nurse practitioner came into the room and introduced herself to me.  She said I was being admitted to the hospital, which I already knew.  I could tell she was super nervous, like hyperventilating nervous. She asked me how I was feeling.

"Fine.  I don't feel sick at all."

Yeah.  She didn't believe me.

She listed off symptom after symptom.

"Nope I don't have that symptom."

"Haven't noticed that symptom."

"I feel good.  No complaints."

 She asked me "So when did you first notice you were jaundice?"  Well that's a tough question for me to answer, you know, considering I've always been yellow.  So I told her that.  "Well when did you first notice you were getting more yellow than usual?"

"Umm, I didn't."

"Well had anyone mentioned it to you?"

"Well my mom did tell me I should ask what my billirubin is today..."  Ms. Nurse Practitioner laughed so hard.

I asked her "So exactly what are you guys going to do to get rid of the billirubin?  And how long am I going to be hospitalized?"

"I don't know on either count.  They (the doctors upstairs in the actual hospital portion of the building)are looking on the internet to try and figure out what they're going to do with you. And I don't know how long you'll be in the hospital. Oh and your doctor is out of the country . . . actually I don't know where he is or when he'll get back or how to get a hold of him . . . so you'll have a different doctor."

(Why are my doctors always out of the country whenever anything exciting happens to me?)


"Oh.  Ok." (Don't I have just the best responses?) Ms. Nurse Practitioner continued on to see if she could feel my spleen.  That was actually my bad.  I always forget to tell people that I'm missing a spleen.  And they always freak out when they find out.  And Ms. Nurse Practitioner was no exception.

"Oh ok.  I did see these scars over here (pointing to my gall bladder surgery scars) so I wondered."

"Haha actually those scars are from when my gall bladder was removed."

"What?!?!  No spleen or gall bladder?!?!  You've had a lovely life haven't you?" She continued to comment on just how jaundice I was looking - even the inside of my mouth was yellow.  "The good thing about being yellow is that you already have your Halloween costume." She laughed and then continued on to tell me about the time she had to put leeches on a guy who had his big toe surgeically removed to replace his toe. Yeah.

Then she asked my favorite question "Why are you in such a good mood?"

Hmm well let's think about that for a second.  Maybe, just maybe, it could be because I don't feel sick. Maybe.

Maybe it's because this is kind of a funny situation to be in - feeling fine and being admitted to the hospital.  I mean, it's a little bit of a weird situation.  Maybe it's because I was either because I was going to cry because I was nervous about being in this odd situation, or I was going to laugh about it.  I'd prefer to laugh.  Or maybe it's because every time I go to the doctor with my dad and he's nervous he makes jokes and laughs about it.  It's his coping mechanism.  I think it's mine too now. I'm used to laughing in weird situations like being at the emergency room from midnight until 3 am.  The only way I know how to deal with it is to laugh through it. Maybe it's because I was kind of bored and again, I'm like my dad in the fact that when I get bored I start making jokes and laughing.

I always find myself nervously smiling/laughing at my new doctors office.

Soon I found myself going upstairs to the hospital and to my room.  The room was completely dark and the nurse who took me there just left me in the dark room.  So I set down my purse and started looking for light switches. You wouldn't think it would be that hard.  It was.  I swear they were all hidden.  The one light switch I could find was painted bright red.  If there is one thing I've learned in my life it is that you NEVER flip the RED light switch.  It's just the rule.  Any TV show or movie you watch nothing good comes from touching/flipping the red light switch.  It's just common sense. If you flip the red switch something bad has to happen.  It's like inviting armageddon to begin, right there in your hospital room.  Or there is going to be a drop door that will appear the second you flip the red switch and you're going to fall to your certain death.  Or a pack of wild dogs will be released and start attacking you if you flip the red switch. Or (probably more likely) there will be a loud alarm that will sound and I'll be surrounded by security or maybe doctors and nurses in a panic who think that I'm dying right that second, if you flip the red switch.  So because I knew nothing good could come from flipping the red switch I decided to search the room for another switch.  I didn't find one before the nurse came in saying "You must be so bored you're wandering around here."

Don't Flip It!

Light Switch Of Death!

"No, actually I just can't figure out how to get the lights on."

Yeah, all I had to do was flip the red light switch.

Eventually, my hosptital doctors came in. They reiterated the fact that my doctor was in some undisclosed/unreachable/unknown location and then they asked me what was up. I explained the whole situation, they listened. After deliberating why I had been taken off some medication last month, deliberating about my cold the previous week, and asking me about my (practically non-existent) "glucose-diet" ("You mean the one where I'm supposed to drink soda - which I hate - and eat candy bars - which I love?") They determined that I probably wasn't going to die (whew!) but that they wanted to keep me over night - you know - so that they could watch if I did die (but they weren't going to do anything to prevent me from dying).  Thanks to some smooth talking from my parents, I was able to break out of there and not stay over night.  (YAY!) My parents are way better at talking to doctors than I am.  I think I'm going to have to work on that.

Another lyrical poetic thingy... Just for fun...

This one was inspired by a boy. Dumb and cliche I know. This particular boy I've known for a year or two and we've become really good friends. I thought maybe we could be more but I was wrong. This is what i would say to him if I could only find the courage.

Everytime I saw you
I smiled
Everytime I saw you
My heart skipped a beat
Without even knowing it
I fell for you

You listened to me like no one else
Everytime I saw you
You cared like no one had before
Everytime I saw you
Before I knew it
You were my best friend

Imagine my surprise when when you first asked me about her
I tried to brush it off
No big deal
Then you cornered me
I had no escape
You told me about the date
The one you took her on
The one I had waited years for
My heart broke just a little
Ad my secret hope was
Crushed
Right before my eyes

Everytime I see you now
I pretend to smile
Everytime I see you mow
Mu heart breaks a little more
Wihout even knowing it
You broke my heart
Something you never meant to do

You tell me about her and no one else
Everytime I see you now
You hurt me like no one has before
Everytime i see you now
Bedew I knew it
I started avoiding you

I know you don't understand why
Neither do I
I tried not to fall for you
I didn't even know I had
Until I saw you in her arms
I knew when I saw her I had lost my chance
How can I compare to her?
I tried to talk myself out of feeling the way I do
Maybe I will with time and distance
It's my only hope

So this is how it ends
My only regret is not telling you how I felt
My only regret is not telling you how I still feel.
I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

That Awkward Moment When You Accidentally Call The Middle East...

Yeah... let's just say that people at work need to write area codes more clearly... or somebody might mistake a 7 for a 2 and call the wrong number... and that number just might be in the middle east...

Sometimes

Sometimes people say mean things.
Sometimes those people are complete strangers.
Sometimes you feel like saying mean things back to complete strangers but realize that you're in an inappropriate place to say mean things back so you keep your mouth shut.
Sometimes you think of lots of good come backs you really, really wish you could've used.
Sometimes you realize that complete stranger was just projecting their problems onto you.
Sometimes you realize that maybe there is a grain of truth to the mean things strangers sometimes say.
Sometimes you realize that you can either stay mad at complete strangers who say mean things or you can let go of your hurt pride and your hurt feelings, take the little grain of truth and make changes you need to make, and move on with your life.

And sometimes you take the high road and move on with your life (after writing a blog post about it.)

Awesome weekend

This past weekend was amazing!

First my roomies came down to the sunny south to visit! They came early in the morning so we could play before I had to work that afternoon. We ha breakfast at Dennys and while we waited forever for our food we talked and laughed and caught up on old times. After breakfast we went to walmart to make a care packet for one of our awesome roomies who wasn't able to make the trip. While there we browsed through walkways super collection of $5 movies, played with the toys (so many tangled toys!) we stopped and smelled the candles, looked at the fake flowers, and took pictures with lamp shades on our heads! Yeah we're super silly! I had so much fun and it brought me back to last year! I love and miss those girls so much! I want to go back to my home away from home with my family away from family!

After work my family and I played an epic game of monopoly. I won for the first time ever! Yeah I kicked their butts! I was so happy!

Then on Sunday I got a ride to church with my super handsome neighbor and his friends sat by me during sacrament meeting. This is the first time since moving down that somebody has sat with me during sacrament and it meant more to me then they'll probably ever know. Then I taught my first Sunday school lesson. So intimidating! There were so many people in my class! I don't think I made much sense during my lesson I was kind of all over the place (it was kind of like random thoughts with Kelsi guided by the lesson manual and the spirit). And I was shaking like crazy during the whole lesson!  I learned a lot while preparing for the lesson, I just don't know that I was able to transfer everything I learned to my huge intimidating class. But it's over (for a week at least). I guess this is a chance for me to develop a new talent for teaching?

Story of my Life

Today one of my really good guy friends came into work and we hung out in concessions, just the two of us, for about twenty minutes.

Initially I was really excited because I love hanging out with him.

I may have even had a little crush on him because he is one of the few guys I know who treats me really nice.

I could talk to him about almost anything and he went out of his way to include me in fun activities.

 I kinda liked him and I was trying to figure out if he liked me back.

 I kept waiting to be asked out on a real date.

It never happened.

 Now i know why.

A girl we used to work with got back from her mission on Monday.

He took her on a date on Tuesday.

I got to hear all about it today.

All about it.

He wouldn't let me change the subject.

 I just stood there and listened wondering what exactly he was expecting from me and the conversation.

I bit my tongue and didn't say what i was thinking because they were not nice thoughts.

I get the picture now that we're just gonna be friends.

Now I'm spending another sleepless night listening to"On My Own", "Invisible", "You Belong with Me", and "Teardrops On My Guitar" on my iPod trying not to feel too sorry for myself and not to give up on the notion that anyone will ever like me.

Yay late night pity parties?

Pathetic, I know.

 I guess that the worst part is that I'm not even that sad that over him, it's more of the idea that no one has liked me, does like me, or will ever like me.

 It's just the same old story that has played over and over and over through the past 20 years of my life.

So I got a new calling....

I'm only going to be in the ward for the summer...

Yeah, my records aren't even in the ward yet...

I guess that's what happens when the Bishop is your neighbor and has known you since you were 12...

The calling?

Gospel Doctrine Teacher.

Yeah.

I'm more than a little intimidated by this calling...

And the people I'll be teaching...

I guess I'm getting out of my comfort zone?

But I am excited to take this summer to learn more about my Savior and to learn more about the New Testament.  I love reading the words of the Savior and learning from the miracles He performed and from His life.  As I read about His life I feel such love and hope.

My super power is invisibility

I have never felt so alone at a ward function as I did tonight. I have never felt so awkward and intimidated as I did tonight. I feel so unsure of myself and like I don't belong with these people. I feel like a third party watching others have a good time but never actually participating. The whole time I felt like crawling under a rock. I felt completely invisible and I haven't felt invisible in a long time. I almost forgot what being invisible felt like. But the past few days have reminded me. That feeling that you could do anything even something wild and crazy and no one would even notice or care. That feeling that you don't matter to these people at this time and this place. That's what it means to feel invisible to feel like you don't matter is what it ultimately comes down to. It's not a pleasant feeling.

One of the main reasons I didn't want to move back home to the "Sunny South" was because I don't particularly like the YSA ward that I would be in down here.  I have only attended this YSA ward once but it was really awkward and I didn't really feel welcome.  It's a lot of people from my old high school who attend.  I kind of like to leave high school in the past as much as possible.  But my thinking is that if I don't attend this YSA ward and try to get a little bit involved, my summer is going to insist going to work for hours and then coming home and chilling out there.  There will be no social environment if I don't go.  So I need to go.  I know that logically.  But I still have this feeling of dread washing over me as I consider how I need to start getting ready and go over there.  I want my old YSA ward back.  I liked it.  A lot.  It was safe and comfortable and I knew that I belonged there.  Yet here I am.  I'm about to go to the uncomfortable and awkward YSA ward and be brought right back to who I was in high school.