Graduation 2013

I did it! After four years and two universities I'm a college graduate!!  I'm so glad my parents and grandparents were all able to make it to the ceremony. 

My graduation announcements

Grandma and Grandpa Heiner and I.

Me and all of my grandparents.

Grandma Moore and I.

Me and my parents.

Yay I'm Graduated!

As I close this chapter of my life, I'm feeling so grateful.  I couldn't have graduated without all of the love and support of my family and friends.  I would be nowhere without my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.  

Hey there May 2013! When did you get here?

Glory, glory hallelujah! I survived!  April is over! And so is my life as I know it.  And at the moment I'm ok with it.  I'm even excited about it?  Maybe.  Weird.

Change.  Bitter sweet. 

I'm excited for this semester to be over.  Spring 2013 Semester was a difficult one.  I had some awesome experiences.  And some not so awesome experiences.  I feel much more grown up now.  I don't want to grow up. 

I'm nervous to be done with college.  I remember back when I was in first grade, part of my ID number was the year I would graduate high school.  2009.  I remember thinking that year would never come.  I mean, we were knee deep in the 90's then my friend.  And y2k would kill us all anyway.  Can you say new millennium?  And computers taking over the world?  And yet here we are four years after that year I thought would never come. 

I remember when I was in Young Women's, it must have been shortly after I turned twelve.  We were asked to set short-term and long-term goals.  Goals for the next ten years.  I remember thinking how ghastly old I would be when I turned twenty-two.  Gosh I couldn't really imagine it.  I knew by the time I was twenty-two I would have my crap together.  Everything would be under control and life would be perfect.  I would surely be married, maybe have a baby, and definitely be a BYU graduate.  Haha life is funny.

But more generally I knew that I would be a college graduate at age twenty-two.  And I graduate on Friday.  And turn twenty-two on Wednesday.  Goal accomplished. 

Accomplishing goals is a weird thing.  I suppose I should feel more accomplished than I do.  I'm glad it's over.  But I don't really know what to do next in my life.  You're supposed to set a new goal after you accomplish a goal right?  But "it's very strange.  I've been in the getting an education/being a student business so long, I don't know what to do with the rest of my life."  And no, I haven't considered piracy (Name that movie). 

But I'm excited.  This is a time of great opportunities and so many options for me.  I feel comforted because I know that I've been guided by a loving Heavenly Father to this point in my life.  And I've had many of my choices confirmed to me today. 

I don't know how it will all work out.  I just know that it will all work out.

So it's been a while

I haven't blogged much the past few months and what I had blogged I hadn't published. I finally went through my drafts and decided what I want to publish and what I don't. Now maybe it's time to write something new. Yes? Maybe.

I've just started my final semester of college. I really can't believe it. I've got fifteen weeks left of school. It's crazy. This will be a fun and interesting semester. It already has been fun and interesting. I'm taking acting, creative writing, child and health care, racquetball, and tai chi. My first week of the semester has included a blizzard, a snow day, getting snowed in and then rescued by an awesome aunt and uncle, being complimented about being brave like a gryffindor, remembering how much I suck at racquetball and laughing about it, a broken laptop charger, skipping doctors visits, playing the piano for my institute class, skippig a play, a massage from a stranger, and writing. Today I spent about seven or eight hours cleaning my whole apartment and it felt amazing. I just hope it will stay clean. :)

Dear BYU,

Christ wore University of Utah colors.

 

That is all.

Rapunzel and I

One of the great things about EFY is that it gave me cause to look at myself in a different light.  I wanted to let my kids know why I'm jaundice, but I wanted a fun and positive way to explain it.  So I thought of something brilliant.  I would tell my kids that my skin glows like Rapunzel's hair in Tangled.  It worked for them, for my fellow counselors, and even for me.  The past four weeks when I've told people they've been like "It's so true, you glow."  It's so much better to be told that you glow rather than looking at yourself like an ugly neon light.  And as we discussed the theme Arise and Shine and how these kids can get the glow of the Spirit by living the gospel I realized that "glowing" is a good thing.  I'm glad to "glow".

Boys vs. Guys vs. Men (Part Two)

A year and a half ago, I wrote a post talking about the difference between boys, guys, and men based mainly off of Jane Austen novels, my own limited observations of the "male species", and a deep discussion with my beloved roommates.  I feel like I've learned more about men and the making of men in the past month at EFY than I had in my whole entire life.

Boys: Most 14-15 year old and some 16-18 year old boys fall under the category of "boy", immature, obnoxious, and scared but not about to let anyone see that side.

Guys: Most 16-18 year old, a few 14 year old boys, and a few counselors would be considered "guys", fun to hang out with, think they are so cool, and think that they know everything.

Men: Most EFY counselor are MEN in every sense of the word.  They are responsible, mature, fun, and spiritual giants. Men respect women and treat them like queens and men love the Lord and put Him first.  I have never met so many men in my life as I have as an EFY counselor.  I have never felt so respected.  I feel better about myself when I'm around these men.  And I can tell these men love the Lord and they love all those that they are around.  And these men have such a tremendous effect for good.  These men transform these boys and guys around them into men in less than a week.  I've seen it happen every week.  These boys and guys learn what a real man is like and how to become one.  These boys and guys learn how to treat women.  And these boys, guys, and men are lifting all the girls and women they are around and helping them to become better.

Basically this is a big thank you to all of my lovely co-counselor's and to all the other male counselor's I've encountered the past few weeks.  You men are so awesome!!

Just so you know these men aren't the only men I've ever encountered.  My dad is an awesome man and he has taught my brother to become an awesome man as well.  I especially got to witness last week on our family vacation.  I also have awesome grandfather's, uncle's, and cousins who are great men as well.  And this past year I have gotten to know the awesome men that are in my ward.

Thanks you men for lifting me up and making me want to become a better person.

Holy Spiderman's Tooth Brush!

I'm blogging again!

It's been a while. I've finished another semester and started a new job. I turned 21 and celebrated in the Sunny South when my family.  I got my "adult" drivers license and I went to the temple with an old roommate.

I just finished Heaven Is Here by Stephanie Nielson and it's pretty much amazing, everyone should read it.  Now I'm about a third of the way through the first book of The Hunger Games but it's common knowledge that book is amazing.  I still haven't watched the movie yet.  I've also been reading The Emerald City of Oz which I think is probably one of the funniest books I have ever read.  My favorite part of that book is when the evil nome general is trying to get the Whimsies, strong creatures with tiny heads who wear huge fake heads made out of pasteboard, to join in his evil plot to capture a magic belt.  He tells them his plan which they agree to.  Then comes my favorite part of the book:

"One Whimsie alone seemed to have a glimmer of sense, for he asked: 'Suppose we fail to capture the Magic Belt? What will happen then, and What good will all our fighting do?' But they threw him into the river for asking foolish questions, and laughed when the water ruined his pasteboard head before he could swim out again."

I've been thinking a lot about attitude lately. There are some people who just naturally have a good attitude and are optimistic.  It doesn't matter if life dumps a butt-load-of-crap on them, their still happy and find the good in life.  And some people are really good at hiding their trials, at making it seem like nothing bad ever happens to them.  I'm not naturally like that, I'm pretty open about my problems and I have a tendency and if I get mad or frustrated I'm not good at hiding it.  I have to remind myself to use my filter.  Whether I'm mad about politics, network TV, personal stuff or whatever other random things I get upset about, everybody doesn't need to know about it all the time and life's still good even when things aren't perfect.  I'm trying to give myself an attitude adjustment and I'm trying to learn to be as happy and optimistic as so many people that I know who I so admire.

The chorus of Kelly Clarkson's newest song "Stronger" pretty much explains how I feel about life.

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone"

And I've pretty much been OBSESSED with anything and everything to do with Mr. Alex Goot and Mr. Chad Sugg.  Seriously. OBSESSED. I spend hours listening to their covers, their original songs, and watching their vlogs while working on homework, studying, filling out paper work, chilling at the hospital getting my blood sucked out of me, and just chilling doing nothing.  It was hard to pick a favorite to share on the blog, but I absolutely love their cover of Call Me Maybe.  It's way better than the original.  But I also love What Makes You Beautiful, Wizards (love the Harry Potter reference), Pumped Up Kicks, and Stereo Hearts (how many guys can pull of singing in a spider man costume and use star wars references and still make me want to marry them?  not many!).  I can't decide who I love more, Alex or Chad.  I pretty much just want to marry both of them.

And yes, I've shared this video on Facebook, Pinterest, and now my blog.  I'm slightly obsessed.  

(If any of those boys gave me their number, I would call them.  And it's true, all the girls want their babies.)

Community has been renewed (even if it is just for a short season)! Cool.  Cool cool cool.

What Has Gotten Me Through The Past Few Weeks Since Spring Break

1. My parents.  I'm pretty sure I've been on the phone with them a ton the past few weeks.

2. This quote from my Girls State days:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others." - Nelson Mandela

3. "I Have Confidence" from The Sound of Music. Yeah I've been playing this song over and over.

"I have confidence in confidence alone. 

Besides what you see I have confidence in me."

 

Now I'm just hoping to get through the next two weeks.  Two weeks.  I can do it.  

Death and Dying

So I bet you're wondering why I would title a blog post "Death and Dying".  I'm really not trying to be morbid.  I don't have a death wish.  This isn't a "final" blog post.  It's because this is my favorite class this semester.

Now you're probably wondering why I would even be taking a "Death and Dying" class.  It sounds like a morbid, depressing, maybe even scary, class to begin with.  I'm taking the class because it's suggested for future Child Life Specialists, because even though it's a sad thought, some kids in hospitals do die.  And part of the Child Life Specialists job is to help kids get through the dying process and to help siblings of children who have died.

This class has given me a chance to reflect on death.  It's given me a chance to notice how prevelant it is in our pop culture.  I've got a "death playlist" with 28 songs that were already on my iPod that have to do with death.  And there are songs that I really like that I don't even own that are about death as well like Tim McGraw's "Live Like You Were Dying" and "If I Die Young" by The Band Perry.  Not to mention how much it's on TV.  And the news.  Oh goodness hearing about the tragic deaths of the Powell boys made me sick to my stomach.

But I've really enjoyed this class on death because it's taught me how to live.  It's reminded me that relationships are the most important thing in life.  Caring about people is the most important thing you can do.  That's what matters when you face death.

"I Don't Care For Your Fairy tales"

Honestly, 90% of the time, I love fairy tales.  I'm a sucker for any good Disney movie with a princess and prince and a good old fashioned happy ending (I mean, how cute is Tangled?! Seriously!)  And I love Taylor Swift fairy tale songs with happy endings as well (Is it possible to find a better song than "Love Story" or "Enchanted" or "Mine" or "Fearless" or any happy T. Swift song?)  I love Jane Austen novels which don't get much more fairy tale.  And I'm probably the biggest romantic day dreamer that I know.  But sometimes I get to the point where I'm like "Forget this!  It's overrated anyway. Boys are dumb. Guys are gay.  And real men don't exist anymore.( Go here for a refresher on the difference between boys, guys, and men.)  At times like that I listen to Carry Underwood's "The More Boys I Meet" and Sara Bareilles "Fairytale".  And occasionally I'll go for Broadway tunes like "You Can't Get A Man With A Gun" and the ever classic "I Hate Men".

"I'm Not Crazy, I'm Just Sensitive"

So you remember when I told you all that I had found a new obsession in Alex Goot.  Yeah it's a true story.         As a matter of fact I'm going to share another one of his music videos with you all.  Because I'm just kind like that and want to introduce you to amazing music.  I've had his song "Sensitivity" on replay today.  I don't know what it is about a gorgeous, nerdy guy who has a beautiful voice and sings sensitive, melancholy songs, but he absolutely melts my heart.  And the lyrics to this song are how I would describe my life this past week or two and how I hope it will go in the future.

"I don't even know the real me anymore
I can't even show how I feel
I hit the floor
I'm talking rock bottom
My feelings I fought 'em
I can't believe it's come to this
Cause I need a grip on reality

Now I wanna feel some sensitivity

I've been doing fine in my misery
Not crazy
I told them not to worry about me"

The Days of Singer/Song Writer Melancholy

Lately I've been listening to a lot of melancholy music by singer/song writers like Dia Frampton (my pick to win The Voice), Alex Goot (swoon),  Sara Bareilles, and Ingrid Michaelson, just to name a few.  Dia recently came out with a new CD and her single "The Broken Ones" is one of my new favorites.  I'm not going to lie, the music video is a little weird and I'm not a huge fan of her extensions, but the song is great and her voice is amazing, like always.

"I can't help it,
I love the broken ones,
The ones who need the most patching up.
The one's who've,
 Never been loved

Maybe I see a part of me in them.

No your not alone
I love the broken ones."

Sticks and Stones

(I actually wrote this post a couple of months ago and never posted it.  I think there's been enough time that I can post it now.) 

"Words can break someone into a million pieces." - Taylor Swift

I've never taken criticism very well.  Even if it's constructive criticism and I know that logically, I have always had a tendency to take criticism very personally.  It's a weakness I've been trying to work on.  When I was younger I would never let anyone read anything I had written that meant anything to me, because even if they were just correcting grammar or spelling I felt like they were ripping my work apart and in essence ripping me apart.  I hold the things that I do, the things I believe in, the things I have experienced, the things I dream about, the things that make up who I am very close to my heart.  It takes a lot for me to open up my heart, my mind, my thoughts, and my words.  And when I do finally open that deepest part of me one thoughtless word, one small line on a paper, can cause me to close them off to others forever.

I've had people the past few weeks tell me what they really think of me.  It has all been with the best intentions.  And I know that.  None of them were trying to be mean.  Some were just absent mindedly commenting.  Some were trying to help me improve.  Some think they know me well.  Others know that they don't know me at all.  But they all still felt that it was appropriate to tell me exactly what my problem(s) is(are).  And I took all their words to heart.  Every. Single. Word.    Some I tried to apply and improve on.  Some I wondered at.  Some I ranted at.  These people with their words have no idea how they tore me apart.  They have no idea that I have been torn apart from every angle the past few weeks.  They don't know how many other people have also felt like it was their place to comment on my life.  They don't know how every word makes me want to crawl under a rock, never speak again, never try again.

I wonder why I give off such a terrible first impression?  It's not intentional.

I wonder when it's appropriate to take someone's criticism to heart and to use it to make you become a better person?  And when is it appropriate to scream in their face "Screw you!  You don't know my life!  How dare you?"  When is it ok to tell someone who is a consistently negative force in you life to get out? When is it ok to tell someone who will never think you're good enough to back off and get on with their own life?

"You, with your words like knives 

And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again

Got me feeling like a nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I'm wounded

You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow

But you don't know, what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

....

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down

Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again

...

And I can see you years from now in a bar

Talking over a football game

With that same big loud opinion

But nobody's listening

Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things

Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't do [anything]"

***

"I don't need you to worry about me cause I'm alright

I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life

Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance

I never said I was a victim of circumstance

I still belong, don't get me wrong

You can speak your mind

But not on my time

Keep it to yourself, it's my life."

(I don't own the rights to either song)

Too harsh?  Yeah probably.  I meant every word of it. I'm sick of hearing everybody's opinion of me while I am nice and don't say what I'm really thinking.  Trust me, you don't want to know what I'm really thinking.  And it is my life and I really don't give a damn what anybody else thinks.  Especially people who don't even know me.  I try not to pass judgement on others.  Please give me the same courtesy.  Even if I'm not living my life exactly the way you think I should be.  Even if I'm not perfect.  I'm trying.  And believe it or not, I really do try to make everybody happy.  And I'm shooting for perfection.  So I'd rather not have my flaws pointed out to me.  Because I'm probably my worst critic.  So yes, I actually am aware of my flaws.  I am aware of what is not perfect in my life.  In all aspects of my life.  Nothing that anyone has told me the past week or two has surprised me.  But having it pointed out and elaborated on hasn't helped me at all.  

Epic failure at note taking

Doodling and then falling asleep. Can you read my handwriting? Because I don't think I can...

Not paying attention in class!  Bad Kelsi!

Those little squiggly lines are where I may or not have been drifting off...

I can't even read that.

At least I picked good songs to doodle?

Yeah, can't read this one either...

I Hate To Be Negative But November Is By Far The Worst Month For College Students

It's the truth.  It's the worst month of the entire year if you're a college student.  It's when the semester starts to wrap up with papers and projects coming out the wazoo!  It's also when college students start cramming in last minute extra credit and start studying for finals (or at least start thinking and stressing about finals).  Then if you're me, or crazy like me, you start a new job, volunteering, and new weekly medical treatments during this last month of the semester.  Because you know that November is supposed to be the craziest/hardest month of the semester, so you should probably try to make it crazier/harder in any way possible.  Because you're just smart like that. Not to mention that Novemember is when it starts to get super dark and cold and wintry.  Which means walking in the cold, windy, and snowy wetness of winter.  And if you're anything like me, all you can think about is how you probably won't see the sun again until April.  If you're lucky.

That's why I am so glad that Thanksgiving is in November.  Because if it wasn't, I would just continue on with all of my crazy negativity and stressing.  It gives me a chance to look at life and be like "Yes it's crappy, but it could be worse.  It could be raining." (I had to throw a Young Frankenstein quote in.  Just for fun).  It gives me a chance to look for the silver lining in the clouds of November that life really is good, and even all of my challenges have good things about them.  And it gives you an excuse to take a break for a couple of days and stuff your face with food and chill with family.

Yay for Thanksgiving!  I can't wait!

Poem In Progress

The moment she stepped foot on campus
She knew that she belonged.
She had the confidence people envy
And she had big dreams for life.
"Someday" she told herself "I'll leave this town.
I'll live in Boston, Washington D.C.,
Maybe even New York.
I'll be the new girl there,
Just like I'm the new girl here
And I'll rock that place
Just like I'm rocking this place."

What happens when dreams change?
When the dreams she has
And the dreams she wants
No longer match.
She changes slowly but steadily
The new dreams seem more out of reach
 Than her old dreams.
She feels a sense of helplessness.
But she wants her new dreams
To come true so badly.
It's an uphill battle, all the way.
Her heart is broken
She's rejected in every way possible.
She begins to wonder about
Abandoning this new dream
 For her old dream.
But something in her heart reminds her of the princess
She always wanted to be.
She wonders how long she'll play the sad part.

Years pass
A new city, she's the new girl again,
The confidence she knew so well dimmed
Unsure, unsteady,
Where will her path lead now?
The incline steepens
New mountains to climb
Angels come to help along the way
She recognizes some but others go unnoticed
Each come in the nick of time.
She tries not to look to far back or to far forward
Choosing to concentrate one step at a time,
Knowing time has changed her and those she loved;
Knowing time will change her and those she loves.
Learning to rely on herself
And her angels as they come and go
And no one else.

Home

I have been listening to this song all week.




I feel like Dorthy from the Wizard of Oz, clicking her heals "There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

I guess I'm ready to come home for a little while.  :)

Forget Me Not

At the most recent General Relief Society meeting there was a talk given by Dieter F. Uchtdorf about the forget-me-not flower. It was a beautiful talk, if you'd like to watch it you can find it at lds.org.  It was the perfect talk for me because moving up to this big city, attending a big university, which has a big institute, and being part of a big ward I've been feeling a little bit like the little forget-me-not; small and insignificant. 

I've been trying to look at this experience positively though.  It's a chance for me to overcome my shyness.  And it's not like I'm the only one who has ever felt like I am just one of the ninety and nine and I'm sure that there are other people at my school in a similar situation who are feeling just as lonely as me.  This is a chance for me to reach out to them.  This talk helped me feel better about that.

Besides forget-me-not's are pretty.  What would the world be like without forget-me-not's?

I think I've found a new favorite flower.  What ever happens, just don't forget to remember me.

Maybe Someday I'll Write A Short Blog Post. Today Is Not That Day.

I'm a very introspective learner.  I love it when things apply directly to me and my life.

I loved my biology classes in high school because when they would talk about things like cells and genetics it would apply directly to my life.  I have loved my human anatomy classes because when they get to things like blood, livers, gall bladders, spleens, and medical procedures I'm like "Oh my gosh.  That's my life."  It also made me feel smart because my teachers didn't dumb it down for me like doctors and nurses usually do for patients.

My favorite part of my child development classes are things that apply directly to my childhood.  I liked my parenthood and marriage classes because I could see how they will be applied to my life in the future.

 If I learn something that I've had previous experience with or can apply to my current situation, I'm a happy girl and I learn it much faster and it sticks with me longer. I think that there's almost a sense of validation that I get from all these classes and things I'm learning, a sense that I'm not the only one who experiences things the things I do. I get a certain sense of normalcy.  I also get a chance often to show off my abnormal side and get validation for the fact that I've been through hard things.  I try not to do that too often because if I do I start to just feel sorry for myself, but sometimes it's good to feel like I'm accomplishing the normal while being abnormal.

I'm quickly realizing that the Adolescent Development class that I'm currently taking is going to be one of those classes where I get really introspective and relate everything I'm learning to my life, more than I was expecting it to be.

The past two class periods we were talking about adolescent health, and I wasn't really expecting it to apply to me too much.  I was fairly healthy as a teenager, never hospitalized once.  I was surprised how much of what I was learning I could really relate to.

We watched a movie about teens in hospitals and they talked about the constant poking and beeping machines and losing control and privacy and people coming into your room during the middle of the night and asking you the same questions over and over again.  One of the parts that made me laugh the most was when they talked about the medical students and residents coming in a big group and just like listening and staring at you and taking notes. I can relate to that one.

Then we watched another movie that a kid made to explain to his peers about the accident that put him in a wheel chair so that they would better understand how to react to him.  I thought it was a brilliant idea.

After that we talked about teenagers self image and how that is impacted by chronic illness and all the restrictions that adolescents have when they live with a chronic illness. We also talked about the dual need to feel normal but also to have people understand all the things you have been through and how they can be conflicting.

The whole time we were talking about this I felt validated.  I felt like "Ok, I'm not the only who has felt this way." I remember always feeling somewhat like I was the only one experiencing everything, especially when it came to those nasty little rare blood disorder experiences, even though I logically understood that I wasn't the only one.  I don't know, it's like sometimes it's cool to be the oddity - the unique one - like when you attend your Stats class and you talk about the normal distribution of hemoglobin and your hemoglobin is literally off the charts (like no joke, not even on there in the abnormal area). But sometimes I wanted someone to understand exactly.  I mean people can empathize, and they do and it does/has made me feel better.  My parents have always tried to understand and I think they do better then anyone else I know.  But it's like unless you've actually been through it, you don't really understand.

Some days I feel completely normal and don't even think about my blood disorder.  Sometimes I look at myself and think "Oh my gosh I am yellow! I'm a freak! I'm like a neon sign! I'm pretty sure I should be glowing in the dark at this point!", not as much as I used to though.  Sometimes I would lay awake at night freaking out about what would happen the next time I got sick enough to go to the hospital and thinking that for sure I was going to die the next time it happened.  Sometimes I'd freak out about what I would do the next time I had to get my blood drawn or get a shot or get an IV or have a surgery.  I wouldn't even be feeling sick and I'd worry about these things.  Sometimes I'd even think about what I'd do if I ever got cured or how life would be without the blood disorder.  How different would I be then?

I remember sitting on my floor in the middle of the night and thinking "You know my doctors are pretty good at treating my physical symptoms.  Everyone is always so concerned about how healthy I am.  Everyone can see my yellow skin.  Everyone knows somethings wrong with me and they are very concerned about the physical effects of my disorder.  But what about the emotional effects?  What about the social effects?  What about how freaked out I am over needles and getting sick?  What about how no guy likes me or will ever like me because I'm like a freaking neon sign?  What about how I'll never get married because who wants to marry a bag of medical bills and that's all I am?  What about how I'll never be pretty again because of the whole neon sign thing?  What about how terrified I am of the whole world because what if it causes pain like the pain I used to feel when I was little and sick? What about how upset I am because I'll always be the slowest and the worst at sports and I always get so tired?" (Yeah I was a little dramatic back then.)  Honestly that's what I used to think, not all the time, but some of the time.  Luckily as I've gotten older I've been able to work through a lot of these issues on my own. But I used to think I was kind of weird and that I was probably overreacting a lot in those emotional moments.  I still think maybe I was a little bit but attending class today I realized that they are actually pretty normal things for an teenager with chronic illness to feel and think - even if they weren't actually in the hospital.  I feel validated and I don't feel so weird for feeling like my disorder affected me more than just physically.  I think my family probably realized this to a certain extent (my parents are super observant like that), but I know I at least tried to keep from them and everyone else just how much I felt that way and I'd like to think succeeded.  I just can't even describe how much better I feel knowing that I'm not weird or overreacting about how my disorder affected me.  This just added another level of understanding in my life.

I'm going to a new doctor, trying new treatments, and in some ways I'm excited. I feel so grown up going to the doctor all by myself, even though I also feel a little nervous.  I can get poked with out screaming, yelling, crying, kicking, and throwing a fit.  I'm twenty but there's still a part of me that wants to act like the terrified two year old every time I go in.  But I don't.  And that's a big improvement for me. I feel more in control this time around.  I don't know, there is something about the knowledge of knowing that I could say no, at any point in this process, and there is nothing my doctors, nurses, parents, or anyone else can do about it. It's a powerful feeling, this feeling of control.  And just knowing that I have that option, that control, makes saying yes easier.  What can I say, agency like that is amazing.  At the same time I'm nervous.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I'm just feeding my hypochondriac-ism?  What if it's more painful than helpful?  What if there are no new answers? What if I've just got to keep putting up with this for the rest of my life?  What if I've healed enough that I don't need to seek healing anymore?  What if this is all just bringing up old emotions that I had already worked through and making me work through them all over again?

I don't feel like I'm looking for a "cure" for the jaundice anymore.  I found that "cure" and it didn't fix everything like I thought it would.  Now I'm looking for a "cure" for the anemia, for the tiredness.  But what if it doesn't fix everything like I think it will?

If I do find a "cure" I'll probably just be handed a whole new set of problems to work out.  That's life isn't it. Do I want to switch these problems I've had forever, that I know like the back of my hand, for a new set of problems?  These problems, these issues, are comfortable and predictable. I can handle these problems.  I don't know if I can handle new problems.

The thing is that I wouldn't trade this whole experience for the world.  If you want a succinct way of how I feel about my blood disorder and everything I've learned from this you can watch this  Stacey Kramer: The best gift I ever survived | Video on TED.com.  Sadly, I obviously can't put how I feel into three minutes or less.  But I have learned so much.  I have learned compassion and empathy.  I've learned I'm stronger than I think I am and that I can do hard things.  I've learned that normal is overrated.  I've learned to ask for help when I need it.  I've learned that I'm loved and that when I can't make it on my own, there is always someone there to help lift me.  I've learned that life is complicated but it's supposed to be that way.  I've learned that as crappy as your life may be, there is always someone that has it worse off. I've found my course for life because of this challenge.  I've learned that challenges are very personal and unique and situated exactly how they are needed for each individual person.  I've learned to rely on the Lord, on the scriptures, and on prayer when I cannot go any further on my own.  I've learned that I have a very personal Father in Heaven who know's exactly what I need and knows that I am a very introspective learner and so He gave me a challenge that would teach me things I couldn't learn any other way and would set me in a course that I wouldn't have chosen for myself. I have learned that with the right perspective, challenges can be blessings in disguise.

Playlist:
"Yellow" by Coldplay
"The Wizard and I" from Wicked
Skin (Sarabeth) by Rascal Flatts
"Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood

I am a Human Development and Family Studies Major

There.

I said it.

And I didn't qualify it.

Every single time someone asks me the inevitable college get to know you question I get a little nervous.  The second I say "Human Development" I get "the look".  I know that look, because I used to give that look.  It's the look that says "What in the world do you expect to do with that major?  Get your MRS degree and then start popping out babies and be a stay at home mom?  What if something happens and you have to provide for your family?  You can't provide for a family with that degree!" And like I said, I used to give "that look" too.  I remember going on a campus tour at BYU and passing the building that they said is where all the family and consumer sciences classes are.  I scoffed and thought to myself "Yeah, all the girls who are counting on getting married, dropping out of college, and being taken care of the rest of their lives. Ha."  Yeah, I was a little judgmental when I was seventeen.  Just a little bit. But I could be because I knew everything back then. I digress.  A few years, a little experience, and a lot of prayers later here I am trying to come to terms with my major.  I always feel like I have to defend what I am studying and why I am studying it.  My answer is almost always "My major is Human Development it's the program that will help me become a Child Life Specialist which is kind of like a play therapist at a hospital." It's a long and awkward explanation. But after that long explanation everyone is pretty much like "Ok, so you actually have a plan for your life." But at the same time I get tired of explaining myself and my life plans in the first five minutes of meeting someone.  And there is a part of me that thinks that I shouldn't have to explain myself and my choice of major to the world.

I was thinking about this today.  I was also thinking about the classes I'm taking and how they relate to families.   I was listening to the Mormon Channel program about families. I realized that this is my way to help families.  It is something that I have control over that will be helping families.  The family is under attack. This is how I can help the family. I realized that I don't have to explain or defend myself and my major and I don't have to feel like I'm pursuing a major that isn't really a good major.  It is an excellent major.  I am glad to be a Human Development and Family Studies Major.