Sticks and Stones

(I actually wrote this post a couple of months ago and never posted it.  I think there's been enough time that I can post it now.) 

"Words can break someone into a million pieces." - Taylor Swift

I've never taken criticism very well.  Even if it's constructive criticism and I know that logically, I have always had a tendency to take criticism very personally.  It's a weakness I've been trying to work on.  When I was younger I would never let anyone read anything I had written that meant anything to me, because even if they were just correcting grammar or spelling I felt like they were ripping my work apart and in essence ripping me apart.  I hold the things that I do, the things I believe in, the things I have experienced, the things I dream about, the things that make up who I am very close to my heart.  It takes a lot for me to open up my heart, my mind, my thoughts, and my words.  And when I do finally open that deepest part of me one thoughtless word, one small line on a paper, can cause me to close them off to others forever.

I've had people the past few weeks tell me what they really think of me.  It has all been with the best intentions.  And I know that.  None of them were trying to be mean.  Some were just absent mindedly commenting.  Some were trying to help me improve.  Some think they know me well.  Others know that they don't know me at all.  But they all still felt that it was appropriate to tell me exactly what my problem(s) is(are).  And I took all their words to heart.  Every. Single. Word.    Some I tried to apply and improve on.  Some I wondered at.  Some I ranted at.  These people with their words have no idea how they tore me apart.  They have no idea that I have been torn apart from every angle the past few weeks.  They don't know how many other people have also felt like it was their place to comment on my life.  They don't know how every word makes me want to crawl under a rock, never speak again, never try again.

I wonder why I give off such a terrible first impression?  It's not intentional.

I wonder when it's appropriate to take someone's criticism to heart and to use it to make you become a better person?  And when is it appropriate to scream in their face "Screw you!  You don't know my life!  How dare you?"  When is it ok to tell someone who is a consistently negative force in you life to get out? When is it ok to tell someone who will never think you're good enough to back off and get on with their own life?

"You, with your words like knives 

And swords and weapons that you use against me

You have knocked me off my feet again

Got me feeling like a nothing

You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard

Calling me out when I'm wounded

You picking on the weaker man

Well you can take me down with just one single blow

But you don't know, what you don't know

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me

And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

....

You have pointed out my flaws again

As if I don't already see them

I walk with my head down

Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you

I just wanna feel okay again

...

And I can see you years from now in a bar

Talking over a football game

With that same big loud opinion

But nobody's listening

Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things

Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't do [anything]"

***

"I don't need you to worry about me cause I'm alright

I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home

I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life

Go ahead with your own life, leave me alone

I never said you had to offer me a second chance

I never said I was a victim of circumstance

I still belong, don't get me wrong

You can speak your mind

But not on my time

Keep it to yourself, it's my life."

(I don't own the rights to either song)

Too harsh?  Yeah probably.  I meant every word of it. I'm sick of hearing everybody's opinion of me while I am nice and don't say what I'm really thinking.  Trust me, you don't want to know what I'm really thinking.  And it is my life and I really don't give a damn what anybody else thinks.  Especially people who don't even know me.  I try not to pass judgement on others.  Please give me the same courtesy.  Even if I'm not living my life exactly the way you think I should be.  Even if I'm not perfect.  I'm trying.  And believe it or not, I really do try to make everybody happy.  And I'm shooting for perfection.  So I'd rather not have my flaws pointed out to me.  Because I'm probably my worst critic.  So yes, I actually am aware of my flaws.  I am aware of what is not perfect in my life.  In all aspects of my life.  Nothing that anyone has told me the past week or two has surprised me.  But having it pointed out and elaborated on hasn't helped me at all.