That Awkward Moment When You Realize That You're Holding Yourself Back

(This is another post I wrote a few months ago and never posted.)


The other day I was watching this TED talk about this girl who's leg's got amputated. And she was talking about how that was a good experience for her and how she learned to use her limits (not having legs) to propel her and make her into a better person.  I thought it was a nice heartwarming talk and then went to bed without thinking much about it.

And then I woke up the next morning and I had an epiphany.  I had a thought that hit me with so much force and made me want to jump for joy and caused me to hold back tears.  I thought "Why are you holding yourself back?  You say that you don't use your blood disorder as an excuse but let's be honest, you do.  You tell yourself 'I'm a slow runner because of my blood disorder.'  You tell yourself that you can't get fit because of your blood disorder.  You tell yourself that you don't get asked out on dates because of your blood disorder.  You say you're shy and introverted because of your blood disorder.  You tell yourself that you're a control freak and you get anxious because of your blood disorder.  And sometimes it's not even that you're using the blood disorder as an excuse, you just look at the world negatively and it's holding you back.  You tell yourself you can't.  You tell yourself it's too late to change.  It's not to late to change.  You're still young.  Tell yourself that you can.  Stop using excuses.  Think positively.  You're holding yourself back."

All those thoughts raced through my mind in an instant and I knew they were true.
And I knew that I needed to change.
No more excuses.

In the title of this blog post I used the word awkward.  But awkward could easily be replace with the words liberating, terrifying, or "no-duh!".  Because it's a freeing moment.  It's a moment when you know that you're accountable for your agency.  And it's a moment when you know that you knew all of this information all along.  Now the problem is motivating, disciplining, and controlling myself to reach those goals.  It's going to be an uphill battle.  I'm going to fall sometimes.  I'm going to have to learn to forgive myself when I make mistakes.  But I can do this.