"Republican" vs "Democrat" a.k.a. "Romney" vs "Obama" aka "Us" vs "Them" aka "Good" vs "Evil" aka "Right" vs "Wrong" aka "The Nastiest Divorce I've Ever Seen"

I'm kind of/sort of a huge news junkie.  I'm constantly checking ksl and reading the free newspapers provided by my school.  As a news junkie, I feel like I'm constantly getting flooded with political "stuff". And with the upcoming election I'm getting flooded with even more political "stuff" from "friends" statuses.  I know "stuff" is such a vague term but I feel like vague is a good description of our current politics. It's not specific political arguments about how the city, county, state, or nation should be run.  It's vague finger pointing blame.

Election year 2012 is the nastiest divorce I've ever seen. (Except with most marriages the couple starts out liking each other, I don't think either political party ever liked the other political party.)  You know the ones where when the Mom and the Dad are just arguing because that's all that they do, it's not about whatever the argument was originally about.  They start arguing and they just throw every little grievance over the years and they throw the kitchen sink into the argument and they get so off topic from the original argument.  Those divorces where the couple is fighting years after the divorce is granted.  Those divorces where the parties involved believe that nothing is "their fault" it's all the other person's fault.  Yes the divorce is ugly but if the "other person" would just stop fighting, they would stop fighting, but heaven forbid they should be the one to stop the fighting first.  Those divorces where there is absolutely no possibility of the couple agreeing or compromising about anything.  Those divorces where everyone who knows someone involved in the divorce has to "pick a side".  Those divorces where both sides thinks "I'm right and they are wrong" or "I'm a good person but the other person I'm pretty sure is the devil in a thinly veiled disguise".  And everyone involved in the divorce, but especially children, which is in this case the country, gets hurt.

What makes me even sadder is when politics spills into everyday life and even relationships between friends.  For some reason people seem to think that if they post an angry Facebook post about how whatever political party/politician that they disagree with is the devil himself sent to destroy the country will convince their friends/family/acquaintances that support that devil  politician that the politician they support is actually evil.  Because of their angry and contentious Facebook post everyone is going to vote for the politician/party that they think will save the country.    But what really happens is that they just tick off their friends and start arguments.  And all the while the country becomes more and more polarized and incapable of compromising.  Compromise is exactly what this country needs.

I'm just going to say it.

Democrats aren't evil.
Republicans aren't evil.
Mitt Romney isn't evil.
Barack Obama isn't evil.

Honestly, we need Democrats, Republicans, and Independents.  We need people who think differently and who value different things.  But we also need people who able to work with people they don't agree with and who are able to compromise.  Even if they could just pretend to get along the country would be taking a step in the right direction.  Extremism causes problems.

Please research the candidates, national, state, and local, and vote for whoever you think will be the best for the country.  But don't hate people who vote differently then you.  Honestly, the world isn't going to end because of who is elected.  (The world is going to end because the Mayan calendar ends, duh.)

It's just like Miranda Lambert says in "Only Prettier"

"If you wanna pick a fight, I'm gonna have to say goodnight.

I don't have to be hateful I can just say "bless your heart"

We don't have to like each other but it's sure fun to pretend.

If you just smile and behave you can always get your way

It's a universal plan that'll get you where you can in all societies.

So let's shake hands and reach across those party lines

You got your friends just like I got mine

We might think a little differently but we got a lot in common you will see

We're just like you, only prettier.

I'm just like you, only prettier."

That's all I have to say about that.

Rapunzel and I

One of the great things about EFY is that it gave me cause to look at myself in a different light.  I wanted to let my kids know why I'm jaundice, but I wanted a fun and positive way to explain it.  So I thought of something brilliant.  I would tell my kids that my skin glows like Rapunzel's hair in Tangled.  It worked for them, for my fellow counselors, and even for me.  The past four weeks when I've told people they've been like "It's so true, you glow."  It's so much better to be told that you glow rather than looking at yourself like an ugly neon light.  And as we discussed the theme Arise and Shine and how these kids can get the glow of the Spirit by living the gospel I realized that "glowing" is a good thing.  I'm glad to "glow".

The Woman With An Issue Of Blood

I've always loved the scripture story about the woman with an issue of blood.  I could always relate.  She had an issue of blood for 12 years.  I've had an issue of blood for 20 years.  And I'm starting to think that I've had every issue of blood possible.  I've had to have blood put in me, blood taken out of me, they can't get me to start bleeding, then they can't get me to stop bleeding.  I've got to few red blood cells and clotting factor, too many white blood cells and platelets, my hemoglobin is too low but my iron is too high.
It's never a good sign when the nurse trying to place your IV keeps saying over and over again "Oh shoot.  Shoot!  Shoot!" Or when the picc team requires three tries to get a good vein to take your blood, and thats with an ultra sound assisting them in the search for the vein.  Or when your nurse leaves and you start bleeding like crazy and the nurse call button doesn't work.  Or the appointment that was supposed to take two hours taking five and drugs you weren't expecting to have to take.  And bruised arms for a week that would probably scare little children are no fun (thank goodness for long sleeve shirts!)  Neither is having no energy - even if you see it coming from a mile away.  Or being told a week later "yeah you probably should've had stitches..."

I'm not gonna lie, I was wondering where my miraculous instantaneous healing like the woman with an issue of blood got was last week.  But if I got the miraculous blessing of healing than I wouldn't get lots of other miraculous blessings.  Like the miracle of perspective.  Or the miracle of compassion.  Or the miracle of understanding. Or the miracle of humility.  Or the miracle of being the one served and allowing others the chance to serve. 

I wonder what the woman with an issue of blood did after she was healed?  Did she just go on her merry way, quickly forgetting the hand of God in her life?  Did she go on to serve others who were suffering, understanding in an intimate way what it means to suffer with no relief for so long?  Did she continue to follow Christ?  Did she bring others to Him to be healed as she had?

I don't know the answer to those questions.  But I know that I'm really grateful for the miracles in my life, especially the miracle of perspective.

Playlist:
"Only the Brokenhearted" - Cherie Call
"If You're Going Through Hell" Rodney Atkins

Reading List:
"Waiting Upon The Lord" Elder Robert D. Hales
"It Is Better To Look Up" - Elder Carl B. Cook

That's All I Have To Say About That

Quotes

For reasons usually unknown, some people are born with physical limitations. Specific parts of the body may be abnormal. Regulatory systems may be out of balance. And all of our bodies are subject to disease and death. Nevertheless, the gift of a physical body is priceless. Without it, we cannot attain a fulness of joy. ¹⁸

A perfect body is not required to achieve a divine destiny. In fact, some of the sweetest spirits are housed in frail frames. Great spiritual strength is often developed by those with physical challenges precisely because they are challenged. Such individuals are entitled to all the blessings that God has in store for His faithful and obedient children. ^{19 _ Elder Russel M. Nelson}

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.

Hippocrates 

Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself.  And no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dream.

-- Paulo Coelho

To Put It Bluntly - Your Liver Isn't Going To Kill You - Your Heart Is Going To Kill You

Part of my parents smooth talking to get me out of the hospital last week was that I had to agree to go to the doctors office to prove to them that - you know - I hadn't died yet.

So I did.

I went to the doctor's office, hoping there wouldn't be another crazy adventure like the week before.  My doctor, Dr. P. came into my room and he looked at me incredulously "What happened?"

I didn't know what to say.  "Well, I came for my regular doctors appointment and they drew my blood and an hour later they were freaking out and wanting to admit me to the hospital."

Dr. P. sat down in the chair next to mine and said in his awesome heavy czech accent "Kelsi I want you to understand something.  I'm not worried about your liver.  Your liver could kill you, but it won't.  To put it bluntly - your liver isn't going to kill you - your heart will."

"Oh.  Ok."

Dr. P. then continued on to explain to me about how he wrote the reference sheet about PKD that all the other doctors read to find out about PKD when someone weird like me comes in.  So all the other doctors don't know what they're talking about.

Basically, my Dr. P. is the Dr. House of hematology. (You know minus the drug addiction, the limp, the getting the diagnosis wrong the first three times of diagnosising and the patient almost dying and the amazing good looks. And he also has more than one patient per week, which is sad for me because it would be awesome if I was my doctors only patient.)

Dr. House is so attractive!

Actually I really do believe him that most other doctors don't know what they're talking about when it comes to someone weird like me.  I'm a rarity.  That's why I get to play fun games like "Stump The Medical Student" or "Stump the Nurse" or "Stump The Nurse Practitioner/Physicians Assistant" or "Stump The Doctor".  I'm confusing.  I make them panic.  I shouldn't be functioning like I function.  I really should be dead.  I actually didn't have to explain to Dr. P. about what my blood disorder is and what my normal treatment is and such.  He already knew it all.  Plus some more. Which is great for me.

Dr. P. continued to tell me about the necessity of getting rid of my iron - so that my heart doesn't kill me.  The good news is that I'm not going to die anytime soon - contrary to what I heard on Thursday.

Just a refresher my liver isn't going to kill me

I have one of the two organs pictured here and that organ isn't going to kill me.

 But my heart will kill me (if we don't do something about it.  So we're doing something about it.)

The organ that might actually kill me.

When I Feel Fine I'm Dying And When I Feel Like I'm Dying I'm Fine

At least, that's what some doctors (who were treating me at the time) told me the other day.

I went to my routine doctors appointment.  My blood was drawn like normal and then I waited for a shot of medication and to hear if I was going to be bled today.

I waited for an hour.

Then a lady in a white doctors coat called my name.  I walked over to her thinking that she was just going to take me to get my shot like she was supposed to. Her words stopped me cold "We're admitting you to the hospital right now."

"What? Why?  I don't even feel sick." You know, except for the strange sinking sensation in my stomach, but I think that was just from the information I was hearing.

"Yeah your billirubin doubled and we think your kidneys are going to fail."

"Oh.  Ok."  I know, great response. She walked away to arrange me going up to the hospital while I walked, dazed, over to the window while reaching for my phone. I called my parents, still confused. "Hey I'm getting admitted to the hospital.  Just thought you might want to know."

"What?  Why?" (My response exactly!)

"Um, apparently my billirubin doubled in the past two weeks and my organs are going to be failing or something. I don't know, something dumb like that.  Honestly, I'm kind of confuzzled about the whole situation."

"Ok well let us know what's going on and we'll get there when we can."

"Alright."  A few minutes later I was ushered into a patient room and told to wait.  You see they had already filled out all the paper work to get me admitted to the hospital there just weren't any available beds.  I was ok with this because I felt fine so I wasn't really in any sort of rush to get up to the hospital.  The way I saw it, they should probably save those beds for someone who was actually feeling sick.  But apparently I would be feeling sick soon.  At least I assumed that I'd feel sick if my organs started failing.  But what do I know?  Apparently my organs have failed before, but I don't really remember those moments, but I assume I felt sick before said organ failure.  But we all know what assuming does.

So I waited some more in the patient room.  I texted my parents, my roommates, surfed the internet on my iPod, and I even took pictures on my iPod. This nice skinny little brunette nurse practitioner came into the room and introduced herself to me.  She said I was being admitted to the hospital, which I already knew.  I could tell she was super nervous, like hyperventilating nervous. She asked me how I was feeling.

"Fine.  I don't feel sick at all."

Yeah.  She didn't believe me.

She listed off symptom after symptom.

"Nope I don't have that symptom."

"Haven't noticed that symptom."

"I feel good.  No complaints."

 She asked me "So when did you first notice you were jaundice?"  Well that's a tough question for me to answer, you know, considering I've always been yellow.  So I told her that.  "Well when did you first notice you were getting more yellow than usual?"

"Umm, I didn't."

"Well had anyone mentioned it to you?"

"Well my mom did tell me I should ask what my billirubin is today..."  Ms. Nurse Practitioner laughed so hard.

I asked her "So exactly what are you guys going to do to get rid of the billirubin?  And how long am I going to be hospitalized?"

"I don't know on either count.  They (the doctors upstairs in the actual hospital portion of the building)are looking on the internet to try and figure out what they're going to do with you. And I don't know how long you'll be in the hospital. Oh and your doctor is out of the country . . . actually I don't know where he is or when he'll get back or how to get a hold of him . . . so you'll have a different doctor."

(Why are my doctors always out of the country whenever anything exciting happens to me?)


"Oh.  Ok." (Don't I have just the best responses?) Ms. Nurse Practitioner continued on to see if she could feel my spleen.  That was actually my bad.  I always forget to tell people that I'm missing a spleen.  And they always freak out when they find out.  And Ms. Nurse Practitioner was no exception.

"Oh ok.  I did see these scars over here (pointing to my gall bladder surgery scars) so I wondered."

"Haha actually those scars are from when my gall bladder was removed."

"What?!?!  No spleen or gall bladder?!?!  You've had a lovely life haven't you?" She continued to comment on just how jaundice I was looking - even the inside of my mouth was yellow.  "The good thing about being yellow is that you already have your Halloween costume." She laughed and then continued on to tell me about the time she had to put leeches on a guy who had his big toe surgeically removed to replace his toe. Yeah.

Then she asked my favorite question "Why are you in such a good mood?"

Hmm well let's think about that for a second.  Maybe, just maybe, it could be because I don't feel sick. Maybe.

Maybe it's because this is kind of a funny situation to be in - feeling fine and being admitted to the hospital.  I mean, it's a little bit of a weird situation.  Maybe it's because I was either because I was going to cry because I was nervous about being in this odd situation, or I was going to laugh about it.  I'd prefer to laugh.  Or maybe it's because every time I go to the doctor with my dad and he's nervous he makes jokes and laughs about it.  It's his coping mechanism.  I think it's mine too now. I'm used to laughing in weird situations like being at the emergency room from midnight until 3 am.  The only way I know how to deal with it is to laugh through it. Maybe it's because I was kind of bored and again, I'm like my dad in the fact that when I get bored I start making jokes and laughing.

I always find myself nervously smiling/laughing at my new doctors office.

Soon I found myself going upstairs to the hospital and to my room.  The room was completely dark and the nurse who took me there just left me in the dark room.  So I set down my purse and started looking for light switches. You wouldn't think it would be that hard.  It was.  I swear they were all hidden.  The one light switch I could find was painted bright red.  If there is one thing I've learned in my life it is that you NEVER flip the RED light switch.  It's just the rule.  Any TV show or movie you watch nothing good comes from touching/flipping the red light switch.  It's just common sense. If you flip the red switch something bad has to happen.  It's like inviting armageddon to begin, right there in your hospital room.  Or there is going to be a drop door that will appear the second you flip the red switch and you're going to fall to your certain death.  Or a pack of wild dogs will be released and start attacking you if you flip the red switch. Or (probably more likely) there will be a loud alarm that will sound and I'll be surrounded by security or maybe doctors and nurses in a panic who think that I'm dying right that second, if you flip the red switch.  So because I knew nothing good could come from flipping the red switch I decided to search the room for another switch.  I didn't find one before the nurse came in saying "You must be so bored you're wandering around here."

Don't Flip It!

Light Switch Of Death!

"No, actually I just can't figure out how to get the lights on."

Yeah, all I had to do was flip the red light switch.

Eventually, my hosptital doctors came in. They reiterated the fact that my doctor was in some undisclosed/unreachable/unknown location and then they asked me what was up. I explained the whole situation, they listened. After deliberating why I had been taken off some medication last month, deliberating about my cold the previous week, and asking me about my (practically non-existent) "glucose-diet" ("You mean the one where I'm supposed to drink soda - which I hate - and eat candy bars - which I love?") They determined that I probably wasn't going to die (whew!) but that they wanted to keep me over night - you know - so that they could watch if I did die (but they weren't going to do anything to prevent me from dying).  Thanks to some smooth talking from my parents, I was able to break out of there and not stay over night.  (YAY!) My parents are way better at talking to doctors than I am.  I think I'm going to have to work on that.

Maybe Someday I'll Write A Short Blog Post. Today Is Not That Day.

I'm a very introspective learner.  I love it when things apply directly to me and my life.

I loved my biology classes in high school because when they would talk about things like cells and genetics it would apply directly to my life.  I have loved my human anatomy classes because when they get to things like blood, livers, gall bladders, spleens, and medical procedures I'm like "Oh my gosh.  That's my life."  It also made me feel smart because my teachers didn't dumb it down for me like doctors and nurses usually do for patients.

My favorite part of my child development classes are things that apply directly to my childhood.  I liked my parenthood and marriage classes because I could see how they will be applied to my life in the future.

 If I learn something that I've had previous experience with or can apply to my current situation, I'm a happy girl and I learn it much faster and it sticks with me longer. I think that there's almost a sense of validation that I get from all these classes and things I'm learning, a sense that I'm not the only one who experiences things the things I do. I get a certain sense of normalcy.  I also get a chance often to show off my abnormal side and get validation for the fact that I've been through hard things.  I try not to do that too often because if I do I start to just feel sorry for myself, but sometimes it's good to feel like I'm accomplishing the normal while being abnormal.

I'm quickly realizing that the Adolescent Development class that I'm currently taking is going to be one of those classes where I get really introspective and relate everything I'm learning to my life, more than I was expecting it to be.

The past two class periods we were talking about adolescent health, and I wasn't really expecting it to apply to me too much.  I was fairly healthy as a teenager, never hospitalized once.  I was surprised how much of what I was learning I could really relate to.

We watched a movie about teens in hospitals and they talked about the constant poking and beeping machines and losing control and privacy and people coming into your room during the middle of the night and asking you the same questions over and over again.  One of the parts that made me laugh the most was when they talked about the medical students and residents coming in a big group and just like listening and staring at you and taking notes. I can relate to that one.

Then we watched another movie that a kid made to explain to his peers about the accident that put him in a wheel chair so that they would better understand how to react to him.  I thought it was a brilliant idea.

After that we talked about teenagers self image and how that is impacted by chronic illness and all the restrictions that adolescents have when they live with a chronic illness. We also talked about the dual need to feel normal but also to have people understand all the things you have been through and how they can be conflicting.

The whole time we were talking about this I felt validated.  I felt like "Ok, I'm not the only who has felt this way." I remember always feeling somewhat like I was the only one experiencing everything, especially when it came to those nasty little rare blood disorder experiences, even though I logically understood that I wasn't the only one.  I don't know, it's like sometimes it's cool to be the oddity - the unique one - like when you attend your Stats class and you talk about the normal distribution of hemoglobin and your hemoglobin is literally off the charts (like no joke, not even on there in the abnormal area). But sometimes I wanted someone to understand exactly.  I mean people can empathize, and they do and it does/has made me feel better.  My parents have always tried to understand and I think they do better then anyone else I know.  But it's like unless you've actually been through it, you don't really understand.

Some days I feel completely normal and don't even think about my blood disorder.  Sometimes I look at myself and think "Oh my gosh I am yellow! I'm a freak! I'm like a neon sign! I'm pretty sure I should be glowing in the dark at this point!", not as much as I used to though.  Sometimes I would lay awake at night freaking out about what would happen the next time I got sick enough to go to the hospital and thinking that for sure I was going to die the next time it happened.  Sometimes I'd freak out about what I would do the next time I had to get my blood drawn or get a shot or get an IV or have a surgery.  I wouldn't even be feeling sick and I'd worry about these things.  Sometimes I'd even think about what I'd do if I ever got cured or how life would be without the blood disorder.  How different would I be then?

I remember sitting on my floor in the middle of the night and thinking "You know my doctors are pretty good at treating my physical symptoms.  Everyone is always so concerned about how healthy I am.  Everyone can see my yellow skin.  Everyone knows somethings wrong with me and they are very concerned about the physical effects of my disorder.  But what about the emotional effects?  What about the social effects?  What about how freaked out I am over needles and getting sick?  What about how no guy likes me or will ever like me because I'm like a freaking neon sign?  What about how I'll never get married because who wants to marry a bag of medical bills and that's all I am?  What about how I'll never be pretty again because of the whole neon sign thing?  What about how terrified I am of the whole world because what if it causes pain like the pain I used to feel when I was little and sick? What about how upset I am because I'll always be the slowest and the worst at sports and I always get so tired?" (Yeah I was a little dramatic back then.)  Honestly that's what I used to think, not all the time, but some of the time.  Luckily as I've gotten older I've been able to work through a lot of these issues on my own. But I used to think I was kind of weird and that I was probably overreacting a lot in those emotional moments.  I still think maybe I was a little bit but attending class today I realized that they are actually pretty normal things for an teenager with chronic illness to feel and think - even if they weren't actually in the hospital.  I feel validated and I don't feel so weird for feeling like my disorder affected me more than just physically.  I think my family probably realized this to a certain extent (my parents are super observant like that), but I know I at least tried to keep from them and everyone else just how much I felt that way and I'd like to think succeeded.  I just can't even describe how much better I feel knowing that I'm not weird or overreacting about how my disorder affected me.  This just added another level of understanding in my life.

I'm going to a new doctor, trying new treatments, and in some ways I'm excited. I feel so grown up going to the doctor all by myself, even though I also feel a little nervous.  I can get poked with out screaming, yelling, crying, kicking, and throwing a fit.  I'm twenty but there's still a part of me that wants to act like the terrified two year old every time I go in.  But I don't.  And that's a big improvement for me. I feel more in control this time around.  I don't know, there is something about the knowledge of knowing that I could say no, at any point in this process, and there is nothing my doctors, nurses, parents, or anyone else can do about it. It's a powerful feeling, this feeling of control.  And just knowing that I have that option, that control, makes saying yes easier.  What can I say, agency like that is amazing.  At the same time I'm nervous.  What if it doesn't work?  What if I'm just feeding my hypochondriac-ism?  What if it's more painful than helpful?  What if there are no new answers? What if I've just got to keep putting up with this for the rest of my life?  What if I've healed enough that I don't need to seek healing anymore?  What if this is all just bringing up old emotions that I had already worked through and making me work through them all over again?

I don't feel like I'm looking for a "cure" for the jaundice anymore.  I found that "cure" and it didn't fix everything like I thought it would.  Now I'm looking for a "cure" for the anemia, for the tiredness.  But what if it doesn't fix everything like I think it will?

If I do find a "cure" I'll probably just be handed a whole new set of problems to work out.  That's life isn't it. Do I want to switch these problems I've had forever, that I know like the back of my hand, for a new set of problems?  These problems, these issues, are comfortable and predictable. I can handle these problems.  I don't know if I can handle new problems.

The thing is that I wouldn't trade this whole experience for the world.  If you want a succinct way of how I feel about my blood disorder and everything I've learned from this you can watch this  Stacey Kramer: The best gift I ever survived | Video on TED.com.  Sadly, I obviously can't put how I feel into three minutes or less.  But I have learned so much.  I have learned compassion and empathy.  I've learned I'm stronger than I think I am and that I can do hard things.  I've learned that normal is overrated.  I've learned to ask for help when I need it.  I've learned that I'm loved and that when I can't make it on my own, there is always someone there to help lift me.  I've learned that life is complicated but it's supposed to be that way.  I've learned that as crappy as your life may be, there is always someone that has it worse off. I've found my course for life because of this challenge.  I've learned that challenges are very personal and unique and situated exactly how they are needed for each individual person.  I've learned to rely on the Lord, on the scriptures, and on prayer when I cannot go any further on my own.  I've learned that I have a very personal Father in Heaven who know's exactly what I need and knows that I am a very introspective learner and so He gave me a challenge that would teach me things I couldn't learn any other way and would set me in a course that I wouldn't have chosen for myself. I have learned that with the right perspective, challenges can be blessings in disguise.

Playlist:
"Yellow" by Coldplay
"The Wizard and I" from Wicked
Skin (Sarabeth) by Rascal Flatts
"Lessons Learned" by Carrie Underwood

The Gift

I have always been told that one of the greatest gifts I have been given is my body.  Sometimes its been hard for me to believe when I look at my broken body and all of the issues it's caused me.  But today in my parenting class I saw this adorable video and I found this cute blog and this other inspirational blog.  And then I went to Relief Society and we talked in on of our "classes" about how special our bodies are no matter what.  So I realized that I need to stop concentrating on my yellow skin and eyes, my less then perfect teeth, my lackluster hair, the few extra pounds I need to lose and how often I have been sick and how often I might get sick in the future.  My body really is amazing, if I had been born a hundred or even fifty years earlier than I was I wouldn't be alive.  In many ways I shouldn't be alive.  But I am and I need to take more time to appreciate my body for how amazing it is.  And I really feel like it was created and made extremely...unique...just for me and God's plan for me.  So I should stop wishing to look different, to look "normal", and just be happy the way that I am and appreciate the beauty that comes from within me from the good choices I make.

Fun Times With Colds

Oh the lovely feeling that is the beginning of the common cold.

So much fun.




Me with my miserable cold.

I become quite the big baby when I start to feel the dreaded first symptoms of the common cold.

Homework must be put on hold.

I must complain because "those who do not complain are never pitied" and when could I use more pity than when I have a cold?

And I become sure that I'm probably going to be dying of pneumonia or bronchitis by the end of the week.

Have I ever mentioned I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac?

Webmd is one of my best friends, especially when I start to get sick.

I had been so good this week about not getting my friends, roommates, and family's colds that have been going around for the past two weeks.

And look where it got me.

So I've been on Webmd today looking for the latest cure for the common cold, and I realize I kind of have a dilemma.  They have many suggestions to boost your immune system to fight a cold.

But what do you do when your immune system has this nasty habit of attacking your body? Which then has a tendancy to lead to worse things than a little cold.

Boosting that immune system doesn't seem like a great idea, but maybe that's just me.

I'm sad to break the news to you guys, but there are no new cures to the common cold.

Sorry.

I know my hopes were shattered by that fact.

So here's to a week of cold misery.

Pass the Tylenol Cold please.  :)

Hypochondriac

I was born with Pyruvate Kinase Deficiency, a rare blood disorder which causes me to be anemic. Simply, my red blood cells are missing a part of them so they are abnormally shaped and my immune system thinks they are a virus and attacks them.  My red blood cells are destroyed quickly leaving me with little blood.  This causes me to not have as much oxygen and as much energy as other people.  This also hurts my liver making my skin and eyes to look yellow - which is why I prefer black and white photos or photos without me in them.  When I get sick even more of my blood gets destroyed so I become even more tired.  I spent much of my time as a child in and out of the hospital, making sure I had enough blood.  This has caused me to become a little bit of a hypochondriac.

If I get even the slightest cold, I freak out and assume I'm dying.  My doctor pretty much just rolls his eyes at me now.  And it's gotten worse since I've gone away to college.  My theory is that I get so stressed out that I'm more likely to catch a cold and I freak out even more because my parents aren't there and they were always there and making all the decisions when I was a kid.  It also doesn't help that I've developed an interest in almost everything medically related at all and so I read about all of these weird diseases and assume that I have them. 

I spend some of my time researching about my blood disorder.  I think I pretty much know all that there is to know, but there is just some sort of hope in me that maybe I'm missing something, I just don't know what.  I have had pretty much all of the symptoms from my blood disorder, all the worst it has to throw at me.  And yet I'm terrified that there is something more.  And all the articles I've read talk about the physical symptoms, but not the emotional one's.  My mom talked to the mother of someone else who has my blood disorder who went to some doctor in California and was treated.  They have some new treatments that won't make me look so yellow and might help my liver.  I have to decide if I want the treatments or not, but first I need to talk to my doctor about them. 

But what I really want is to get the anemia treated.  I get so tired.  I can't run, I can only walk.  But I guess I should be counting my blessings that I can even walk.  With where my blood levels are at I shouldn't be able to even do that.

I also really want to talk to someone who has my blood disorder.  I want to know that I'm not alone.  Yet at the same time I don't because while I try not to let my blood disorder define me, it does make me unique, which I like.